Is the reason I hear crickets chirping on my thread that everyone knows this is a lost cause? Someone please let me know you are out there
Had a horrible mess this morning, H came to fetch S, got a very serious look on his face and said, ahve to talk to you about something, I got excited because serious talk is something foreign and I thought maybe it would be R talk.....ssooooo wrong was I
A few weeks ago I phoned his aunt on her Bday to wish her, and she asked me how my work was going, I said it was fine, and that I was thinking of going permanent - as opposed to contract, cause its a fixed figure and more reliable, somehow she managed to get it twisted and thought I was implying that H wasnt supporting me financially! Which he so totally is!! He's a good man at heart and would NEVER leave me and S dry in a million years!!
So the minute after I put the phone down (only 10 mins of conversation) she phoned his mom, and said H isnt supporting me!!! AAAHHHHHHHH!! So M freaked out, but didnt believe her, and decided to rather find out what going on, which of course is nothing, everything is hunky dory money wise, but OH THE DRAMA!!!
And poor H he now starts looking like a bad guy (and oh my word he's sooo not), and I FEEL AWFUL for not being careful with words, because people are now looking for drama and skinner and stories
So he said to just be careful with what I say to people, knowing that they can twist stuff. I felt really bad He was being so considerate and understanding, after I had unknowingly put him in a spot
I appologised profusely, and ofcourse the waterworks went on for me, I'm just such a ninny emotionally, cant hold back tears when things like this happen I straightened myself up, and calmed down, but still felt awful and said he didnt deserve that and I'd be more careful in the future, or just not say anythign at all
WHY UNIVERSE!!! WHY!!!???
So I'm a bit winded today Why do people always look for the worst?!!
Just saw your post - thanks Pinhead I'm trying, I'm just rubbish at the patience thing!! Although I've astounded myself with how far I've been able to hold it together. Just somedays are worse than others!!
He also mentioned that his mom seems to have changed her attitude towards me (we've never gotten along wonderfully, she used to be quite dominating and manipulative, but she changed when her dad, H's grandad died recently), We sort of started getting along better because I confided in her about the situation (h speech), and she was nice to me, so it started us on a different foot, he sees it as me 'putting in effort with her' to please him - its was one of the things he asked me to do just before the speech.
I do want to please him obviously, but I would have gotten along well with her now that shes changed a bit regardless, but I'm glad he sees it and appreciates it. I think ? but then again it may seem like I'm 'trying'? Pressure? Although he doesnt seem pressured by it, he seems neatral, oh dear, maybe he doesnt really care if we get along or not anymore cause he's done with us
Also forgot to say he phoned a little after he left saying (in a sort of hardish voice, not the soft kind voice I sp badly miss), he said that he didnt want me to worry about it all day and be upset by it, he just wanted me to be more careful what i say cause he doesnt want to look like the bad guy here, which ofcourse made me feel even worse!!! And I appologised again, and said I'm cross that people twist things
But the main message was that he didnt want me to sit and fret about it. More caring stuff from him, which is good I guess? Or is it just a friends thing ARGH
Just want to jump the gun , skip friends part, and go straight to romance ands reconnection!!!
Easy tiger.
But I feel AWFUL! I just want to send him a mail saying sorry again, just one more time, but I think it would be seen as too much appologising? What do you think he'd think about another appology casually, just a quick 'Still feeling awful about the whole mixup, just wanted to say sorry again Really didnt expect things to get twisted, but will be very careful from now on' - which is basically what i said on the phone, so maybe its overkill - what yall think? my mind is mush!
Pinhead, phew just as well I didnt, he called just now to say that he had been wrong about an assumption he had made about a friend of his (which he was appauled by and told me about it), and with new information that came to light, turns out that HE got stuff twisted and messed up, and the whole point of the conversation is that people can be made to be seen in a bad light and its nobodys fault really, people just jump to conclusions, and he was JUST guilty of doing it, so it was even MORE reason for me to not feel bad about it. He REALLY WAS VERY CONCERNED about my worrying and fretting about it all day!!
He also said that he was at his flat working for the day, the flat is being worked on so someone has to be there. (letting me know his whereabouts again...another good sign?)
He also spoke about his business, and things that are going on there...
And that he would be coming to bath S because an old friend of is is about to divorce and needs someone to talk to...eeek. Whats going on in the world? This couple I have known for a long time too, and they seem so right together! Anyway, nice that he was sharing all this stuff with me, its come so far since he was shut down to me completely.
So yay!
And yes detachment, mmmmm, I'm actually a pro at it, but whenever positive stuff happens I just completely lose the plot!!!
He is such a wonderful man, I miss him so much, we both had smallish issues, but nothing that couldnt be worked on,it was just things were left for so long they ate away at our foundation, until one day it crumbled
I'm detached in a sense that I dont get upset by his independence from me, I dont mind anymore that he is seperate from me, which is a good base to be at to control all the other emotions that sprout up during this situation.
The difference now is that I'd like him to be next to me, and not one with me. Thats an improvement right?
I felt like we were so intertwinded we were one person, which apparently one should NOT do, its unhealthy, but it just naturally happens through the course of a marriage where two people are close. We were so close that he didnt want to hurt me, and I didnt want to hurt him, and we both put our own individual needs on the backburner, and if you do that for too long, you lode yourself, which both of us were guilty of doing I think
Hindsight is not your friend! It'll make you feel horrible for all the things you didn't do.
And detachment isn't just for when you're hurting, but when you're happy too. It means that you're not letting other people control your happiness. Otherwise this rollercoaster ride gets very painful.
Mmmmmm yes, hindsight, grrrrr, should stop beating myself up over the past... and yes you are absolutley right pinhead (I feel like I'm insulting you everytime I address you by your handle LOL!). I need to remember to stay focused with detachment all the time, not just when things are bad.
Just get a little excited you know? I know tho I'm just setting myself up for another little fall tho. Grrrrr....
Time for another choc cookie, trying to stay at a healthy weight!! Tend to lose a bit of weight when stressed!! But then I go overboard and blow up like a balloon which looks mighty weird on my small frame! Cant win!!! Come here choc cookie.....
I'm trying, I'm just rubbish at the patience thing!! Although I've astounded myself with how far I've been able to hold it together. Just somedays are worse than others!!