I read many of your posts and I am so sorry you are going through this "hell on Earth". We all need the support we can provide each other-I am here for you.
Thank you! Sorry I missed this- I usually don't look for messages to me on other people's threads and clearly forgot to put a notify tag on your thread so I lost track of it!
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Thank you for the support. The timetable for my move out of the house, ( H owns house), per H is November, after Thanksgiving.I am having surgery end of Sept and H says I should be healed and ready to leave by November.My usual reaction would have been "I'll leave when I'm darn well ready". Now, since using the DB methods, I am agreeable with everything. I make my case when I need to in our bi-weekly "meetings", but I am calm, pleasant, SAFE to talk to. The way I see it, alot can happen between now and November. Time is our ally.
Interesting, we have a similarity in that I need to move out by around then, too. I certainly hope you'll be able to be on your own by then physically- is there anyone you can stay with if you need to at that point?
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With that said, I agree with you- it is hard to be in limbo, but it gives us time to become wiser, stronger and healthier emotionally before we separate or D. In the event we all do get to the D stage, we will be able to know we really really tried to save our marriages. Time allows us to discover who we really are underneath all the anger, fear, neediness, etc. We will be better people because of DB techniques. While in limboland, I feel we just need to do the DB every day, pat ourselves on the back for staying calm and focused, and move forward, wherever that takes us. It is scary, and I feel scared and afraid several times each day of what the future holds for me. BUT at least since I have been doing DB, I do feel more in control of MY destiny and that is so powerful! One not so great thing is that I was laid off from my job in April this year!! I am just taking it one step at a time.
I'm sorry about the job but that's wonderful to hear that DB is empowering you! So are you financially dependant on H now? How's the job outlook? I agree with you that in a way, the limbo time can be useful- to gather records, take steps towards being on our own, consult the Ls as needed, etc. I'm both benefitting from and dying a little each day with it as my hope fades. Not even sure I'm DBing anymore, more like moving towards acceptance and trying to face my fears.
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Please just remember not to focus on what you did "wrong", but rather focus on what you are doing "right".
Take care and be good to yourself every day, you deserve it.
Thank you again. You too. One thing I can definitively say is that, while I've always known I was tough, I had NO IDEA how strong I really am until this thing hit me. I have discovered I can weather a lot, take a LOT, withstand torrants of ranting and anger and calmly walk away and (mostly) shake it off. At first that sounds "weak", but it's not- I have the power over him when I just sit there and observe and let the stuff deflect off of me. It makes me feel stronger to be able to say I didn't sink to his level. Keeping my goals in sight helps me immensely in this- to protect and help DD thrive and feel loved, to not let him beat me down, to come out of this with my integrity intact and hold my head high, doing what's best for me and D. If an action doesn't involve doing one of those things then I try not to do it. I've learned to compartmentalize- something I've never been able to do before but which is now essential to survival.
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Hi NB,
How are you?
Hanging in there. Had a nasty week last week and am frustrated I can't post as many details as I want here. Are you on the alt? If you feel comfortable, please post what your name is there so I can find you. I post MUCH more there in the way of details!
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I wanted to add a few more things about myself since you kindly asked me to when you responded to my first posting.
Second marriage for both H and I. 14 years M. No kids for me, H has a 38 year old daughter, one 4 year old granddaughter. Daughter and granddaughter are apples of H's eye.
Problems with stepdaughter, has H wrapped around finger.Bone of contention for me. I made matters worse last time she visited (July 2010) and spilled hot cereal on my new leather recliner I paid for. I told her how she needed to act in my house, calmly.H didn't approve and didn't support me in this. H told me years ago if I get between he and his daughter or family I'd lose..then a few days after SD visit he dropped the bomb.
Wow. I have no experience with blended families, but I imagine it's tough. It seems like in our our 1st M's we transfer our allegiance from our family of origin to our spouses, then kids, if we have them. But in a 2nd M can you ever choose/be loyal to your spouse over your previous family? That's a tough one and I'm sorry there was even an issue over it.
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We live in his home, I have no financial claim on his home. So I will be moving out in November if all goes according to H timetable. I do feel the spouse who stays in the home has it easier in a split, as they are around comforting and usual surroundings. I guess those of us who will be moving out to a new place will just have to find comfort in knowing we finally arrived at the end of the guessing and waiting. Being in Limboland is not easy, but as I said in previous reply, it does give us time to use DB and see where that takes us.
Very similar to me. At first I was resentful about the house (we have a bizarre and seemingly unfair situation I won't go into - logically it should be half mine...), but I decided to try to let it go. D will still get to live there some of the time. I will get to choose how I decorate, not clean up after anyone but D and myself in my new place, etc. The end of the guessing and waiting will be a relief almost at this point.
I've got no advice on the engineer- it's probably less an engineer thing and more of his is the type of personality that is attracted to things like engineering, but that's not very helpful either, is it?
I still don't have a good grasp of the details- but maybe there aren't many more- I mean, did he ever try to work through any of the issues with you? Go to MC?
You can always visit me over on my thread too - linked below.
- linked below. 
