First of all, (((hugs))) to you. Sounds like you've both had a lot of upheaval in the past couple of years.
The first thing I sense is this is not just about you. Or maybe at all about you. It's about him. I have an H who's similar in some ways. The blame, the blowups, the terrible anger directed at us- it's not all about us. They have old issues they've never dealt with, they're hitting a point in their lives where - because of their age or these major life events, etc- they think they deserve more and look around for a scapegoat for why they're not totally happy. Us. Some of the issues he has with you may be valid (although honestly, I haven't seen anything specific from what you've posted) and would be good for you to work on, but it helps to keep this in mind, that it's not all about you. So what does that mean?
1) until they get help and decide they want to work on themselves, we can't fix them. 2) we can work on ourselves and should- that will teach us a lot about ourselves and help in all areas of our lives. But it still doesn't fix them, especially if they won't even admit their own issues. A lot of people told me when I started this journey that DB is not about saving your marriage. It's more about saving yourself and leaving the *possibility* of reconciliation open while getting on with your life and happiness. It took me a long time to take that in. 3) we have to decide how long we want to live like this in this limbo, with all the blowups, etc. when, if they'd been like this when we met them we wouldn't have given them a second look- right? It's worth keeping in mind. I'm not saying just throw your M away, but when we're being treated poorly for long stretches of time we eventually have to decide if this is what we want to put up with while they figure out their stuff. You feel like I do (though I'm pulling out of it)- sitting around waiting for him to figure out what he wants. What about what YOU want? You can work on that in the meantime and/or you can take steps to move things along out of limbo, whatever that means for you.
Are you in IC? If not, and if you can afford it, I would look into it. If I didn't have my IC over the past 6 months I don't know where I'd be. I'm way off the grid now with DBing and just winging it, but thank god I have her. I'm concerned that you're far away from family and friends. That makes this very challenging- have you made any friends? I'm not sure how long you've been in the new location? Are you involved in a church and is there any support there, or social activities?
Do you have respite from your kids- a babysitter, someone who can give you a break? Have you identified your goals for 180s, your bottom lines (not part of DBing but important for us LBS's to know- how much of this indecision and spewing will we take?)? GAL goals? Please post some of them here.
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But sometimes I'm not sure where to set boundaries and where to DB. Today when he was spewing I was operating on validating him and it shut him up pretty quickly. The spewing stopped and later he sent me a text apologizing. I've learned not to respond to his anger and that seems to stop his outbursts cold.
Well, you have some answers there. Validating, when appropriate, is a DB technique (I myself don't validate anymore, b/c everything is blaming me and about how angry and victimized he is and I'm not going to validate that anymore), and not reacting is a wonderful tool if you can do it. I'm getting a LOT of practice on this myself. There's only so much steam they can run on when we don't respond and it peters out eventually. You can also use a very calm (if it's in person): "I'd really like to hear what you have to say about this but it needs to be in a respectful tone or I'm not participating." If it's in texts or email, just don't respond. I know you said you are blunt and have a hard time holding your tongue- and that's one more reason why you need a support system now, people you can say the truth to when saying it to him won't help. It may make you feel better for a minute, but it will just make things worse if you react to his anger and spewing- instead, post what you'd like to say to him here and we will all heartily agree with you
We will await more info from you....
PS, you probably already know this, but it helps in getting people to respond to your thread if you post on theirs, even if you don't feel you have advice to offer, just stopping in and saying "hi" can make a connection.
