I have an 8 and 5 year old. And I'm scared to death how much this will hurt them. I'm meeting with their pediatrician on Friday for some advice. I'll let you know what I find.
NB, I can only tell you from my experience and that is even at 6 she's too little to understand what a divorce is etc. So for us she's starting to get used to the idea of two houses (mom's house and dad's house). The first day stbxw moved out she told DD they'll be staying there 'because daddy and mommy fight a lot' - ugh! aside from the fact that it's not true it's not something you want to say to a kid but I guess she had to say something.
With your kid she's too little so you probably don't have to tell her anything and in a few weeks she'll adjust to being in two places. It might be harder for her to not see you since you've been the primary care giver to her but if the idiot steps up and does a good job as a father then she should be OK. See if you can even go with a 60/40 custody arrangement.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Your h owns his choice to leave and it is his responsibility to tell your 3yo. It is your responsibility to be present, listen and not tolerate any lies, mind reading, etc and answer questions.
It is your responsibility to set boundaries with H before the meeting. We can help script it out if you would like.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
So, I put down a deposit on an apartment. I was not planning to do it right now, but I did (which is very unusual for me- it takes me a long time to make big decisions). I have been looking since May, but am very reluctant to take this final step. For reasons too complicated to go into here, even though I didn't want a D, I am the one who has to move out - but that feels like I'm the one giving up on the M. I see no signs he's willing to accept responsibility for his part, forgive me anytime soon (b/c I'm blamed for everything), or be nicer to me, willing to work on things, etc. So I'm reluctantly having to move forward as I don't want to be in limbo forever.
The Apt isn't avail for 6 more weeks so I have that time to still live with him (which is what I'm afraid of missing- I know we'll never live together again once I leave). But I'm freaking out a bit. I mean, it was getting exhausting to look at one place after another and it was becoming just an endless job to check out EVERY possible apt in the area. This one even takes my pets if I want to bring them. It's fairly close to school and H and in an area I'm familiar with, though not as nice as our regular neighborhood. I'm not feeling excited. I am wondering if I should've kept looking for a couple months (this is typical of my agonizing over decisions, btw). I hadn't meant to commit to anything this soon, but this place was one of the few at the top of my list- not my #1 choice, but my #1 had NO guest parking at all- I mean, not any within blocks. And one thing (there aren't many) I'm looking forward to is having people over, dinner parties, etc. w/out H there. So it seemed good to have a place w/parking... But I usually move very slowly on decisions and this was sudden b/c I wasn't planning on doing it right now. But then again, another apt may not come up- they didn't have any they knew of opening after Sept and even if they did, it might not be one I could afford, etc. anyway.
I have to sign the lease soon and I'm scared. I'm scared of how we tell our young daughter, of making the final step in moving out when it wasn't what I wanted... OTOH, had a convo w/H yesterday and was reminded AGAIN that I will, sadly, always be blamed for everything, I "did this" to him, etc. I just sat there and took it b/c there's no point in arguing. And it was exhausting. And still, I'm reluctant to go... esp since I don't HAVE to right now- I have 3-4 more months before our hard stop where I have to find another place.
I really think we need to get custody and other stuff lined up before I move. I want to consult someone about co-parenting, etc. but H says he does not want to see anyone to help us do a co-parenting agreement and thinks we can "figure it all out" on our own- schedules, how to tell D, etc, which worries me. I want professional advice on this and don't trust him to not say something totally wrong or inappropriate to her.
I don't know how far in advance to prepare her either. She's preschool age and doesn't have a good concept of time. I don't know what to say or anything. I can go see someone myself, but H may not take that advice if he doesn't hear it directly. I've got some books about it, but he never reads anything. I'm willing to put in the work and do it all just to get things right for her, though. That's more important to me than who does what.
Anyone with little kids out there want to share how they told them, or if you got professional advice, what they said you should do??
Anyone else stuck in this "I need to move on, but this wasn't what I wanted and now *I'm* the one leaving b/c I can't stand the limbo anymore"??
NB, good job on taking that first step in removing yourself from the negative environment. I know this is hard and I know you feel like he will blame you but that's not true. Has he even once since all of this started come to you and said 'how can we fix our marriage? our committment to eachother?', what steps did he take to fix his issues? going out and getting drunk with a buddy doesn't count as fixing nor is playing video games and not spending time with DD or helping you with the chores consistently.
As I worte elsewhere recently, there are two types of people in this world the WAS and the LBS. LBS are better off with the LBS type of people and WAS...well they're better off alone.
Anyway, it's pretty normal to feel uneasy about a big decision like this but you made the best decision possible based on your best knowledge and intentions. Your other option was really just to prolong the status quo- not very attractive. You're now getting out of the 'reactive' mode. From now on you will do things that are important to you and DD. This is a turning point in your life.
How long is the lease? one year goes by fast and next year you can get a different place if you find something better...point is you can't let your life go by waiting for that perfect 'something' you have to act and cease the opportunity. Doing 80% is better than doing 0% in my book.
(((hugs))) PS. If he blames you for one more thing you tell him "Yes I've heard you, that everything is my fault. Well I have been doing some thinking about that and I have decided I don't want to reconcile or be with someone who isn't 100% sure they want me and I don't think it is a good idea for me to be with someone who says something is missing. It isn't going to work for me. I didn't force you to marry me and I will NOT force you to stay with me or love me. I think this is for the best. Anyway, I need to go."
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
NB, good job on taking that first step in removing yourself from the negative environment. I know this is hard and I know you feel like he will blame you but that's not true. Has he even once since all of this started come to you and said 'how can we fix our marriage? our committment to eachother?', what steps did he take to fix his issues?
No, he hasn't. It's not only the blame, but guess it's more sadness/fear of giving up the "idea" of the good times we could have (and the good, happy times I know we've had in the past) living together, if I move out. Granted, the last few months or so haven't been so fun, but we have our moments. I also haven't heard him invite me to move with him when we need to move out of here, so I guess it's a question of when, not if I move. I don't think I'll be ready for it no matter how long I wait. But I hate being the one who makes the decision on when to leave, even if I didn't decide the whether to live separately part. It seems like I'm giving up when I said I wouldn't, and I don't know how to deal with that.
Quote:
Anyway, it's pretty normal to feel uneasy about a big decision like this but you made the best decision possible based on your best knowledge and intentions. Your other option was really just to prolong the status quo- not very attractive. You're now getting out of the 'reactive' mode. From now on you will do things that are important to you and DD. This is a turning point in your life.
Yeah, I guess I'm reluctant to give up the status quo, esp since I don't have to move for several months. I have ALWAYS been the kind of person who'd stay in a not so great situation- or even a bad one- because it's a known quantity and I don't like change. I've done this with jobs, e.g. It seems safer and it's hard to know whether I'll be happier in a new setting until I get there.
Quote:
How long is the lease? one year goes by fast and next year you can get a different place if you find something better...point is you can't let your life go by waiting for that perfect 'something' you have to act and cease the opportunity. Doing 80% is better than doing 0% in my book.
I could do 7-12 months but 7 months probably goes by fast and they could raise my rent after that, so I'm considering 12. Heh, well you're talking to someone who does make sure I have done ALL the research possible and for whom it's hard to make big decisions. And since I wasn't planning on deciding this the day I did, I think I've scared myself- it feels impulsive to me, which usually in my mind = bad and not thought out properly = scary and unsafe.
Quote:
PS. If he blames you for one more thing you tell him "Yes I've heard you, that everything is my fault. Well I have been doing some thinking about that and I have decided I don't want to reconcile or be with someone who isn't 100% sure they want me and I don't think it is a good idea for me to be with someone who says something is missing. It isn't going to work for me. I didn't force you to marry me and I will NOT force you to stay with me or love me. I think this is for the best. Anyway, I need to go."
I don't know if anyone else is feeling like this, but I have a problem with the "you're right, we're not meant to be together" line and mentality as an LBS. To me that goes against my wish to have done everything I could to keep us together so I don't have any regrets later. It may not make sense, but I want to be the one who goes down fighting and never gives up, even though I kind of am starting to already and I know to hope for something that's really unlikely won't help me either. Admitting he's "right" goes against that, even though part of me is starting to agree with him. But I kind of like the attitude in your suggestion :-).
The other dangerous thing is that his beliefs about me are slowly starting to be absorbed by me. Part of me knows it is NOT all my fault and that I could bust my butt and it would never be enough to keep us together and happy; that I HAVE done a tremendous amount of work on myself and our R and he has not. I am not a quitter- sometimes to the detriment of my emotional well-being. The other part is questioning- what if I didn't do enough? What if there was still something I could do to turn this around? What if he's right and all my R's will be screwed up b/c of the way I am? Dangerous b/c I know in my brain these things aren't true, this fantasy he's concocted... and yet, part of me is starting to believe it the more I hear. So living apart could help (not sure- still have to see/interact with him) with that.
You're not giving up on your M by moving out. You're letting it go for now, dropping the rope, finding yourself and making you and your DD a priority.
It is hard to know whether you'll be happier in the new setting but the new setting is not a life sentence. You adapt, you change, you change the setting if you want to. You are in control and with your cautious and good decision making personality you'll be just fine.
Well I don't think it's impulsive, you've been thinking about this for a while but it's the taking of your first step in that direction that's making you uneasy which is understandable but I bet you took greater 'risks' in life than finding an apt to move to and you survived- perhaps backpacking in the backcountry or bungee jumping etc?
I didn't see the: "you're right, we're not meant to be together" that's the beauty of that sentence from Robx/Gucci (i forget) it's open to interpretation but has a powerful message about you not becoming a doormat. But of course you have to see when and if you should use it.
I can understand all your thoughts and emotions about wanting to keep trying or give it one more try and I'll never tell you not to do it because ultimately we all have to live with our decisions. However, look at the history and decide if it'll make a difference and if he's even anyone you want to have for the rest of your life? You're still young! and about the concerns over your future R and marriage etc don't let one person define your whole life. And you know what NB? Who the heck cares if you can't find the right guy anyway? (hypothetical worse case scenario)? you're whole, you're complete, you don't need anyone else to be happy. Find yourself, enjoy yourself and treat yourself well.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
You're not giving up on your M by moving out. You're letting it go for now, dropping the rope, finding yourself and making you and your DD a priority.
How is everything you say so perfect? Thank you for re-framing this for me. I don't know if I believe it totally but I'll work on it.
Quote:
It is hard to know whether you'll be happier in the new setting but the new setting is not a life sentence. You adapt, you change, you change the setting if you want to. You are in control and with your cautious and good decision making personality you'll be just fine.
Well I don't think it's impulsive, you've been thinking about this for a while but it's the taking of your first step in that direction that's making you uneasy which is understandable but I bet you took greater 'risks' in life than finding an apt to move to and you survived- perhaps backpacking in the backcountry or bungee jumping etc?
never done the latter, but yes, backpacking many times, including alone. In fact, I'll be going again soon, need to get away. I see that as fun though, not a risk! The only thing I've been through that compares to the fear I feel now was making the decision to have a child and then living with that fear for 10 months while pregnant. I was very very unsure, and it's turned into the best thing I've ever done.
Quote:
I didn't see the: "you're right, we're not meant to be together" that's the beauty of that sentence from Robx/Gucci (i forget) it's open to interpretation but has a powerful message about you not becoming a doormat. But of course you have to see when and if you should use it.
I can understand all your thoughts and emotions about wanting to keep trying or give it one more try and I'll never tell you not to do it because ultimately we all have to live with our decisions. However, look at the history and decide if it'll make a difference and if he's even anyone you want to have for the rest of your life? You're still young! and about the concerns over your future R and marriage etc don't let one person define your whole life. And you know what NB? Who the heck cares if you can't find the right guy anyway? (hypothetical worse case scenario)? you're whole, you're complete, you don't need anyone else to be happy. Find yourself, enjoy yourself and treat yourself well.
Well, I don't want to be alone forever, but I'll deal with that later. You're right, the history is telling. Telling me there's not much chance of change. I almost wish I felt more hope b/c this "starting to accept" thing is really ugly and I'm fighting it. OTOH, I'm exhausted and I haven't even been "working on things" the past few months, just DBing and trying to avoid the baiting and arguing while staying sane. I'm just plain tired.
but I'll work on it.