Wow. Time flies. ...I hadn't realized it has been just over a month since I last posted on my own thread.
I'm still taking things a little at a time. Living one day at a time. Been extremely busy with work. The boys just tracked back into school yesterday. S9 started the 4th grade (wow, again) and S5 just started Kindergarten (triple wow.)
The boys are good, but there are little issues we're dealing with, still. S5 had frequent behavioral issues in day camp at the Y -- a new kid kept picking on him relentlessly. S5 is a bit sensitive and is not accustomed to restraining himself when threatened. He ended up having to sit out camp several days (somewhat voluntarily) because he tends to push or shove when verbal conflicts start (it's how he deals with an older brother, unfortunately.)
I am quite proud of S5 however for getting it all under control in the remaining days of camp last week, reporting a very good time. He finally followed my advice for once, keeping his hands to himself and sticking close to one of the counsellors when the other boy starts to aggravate him -- this time the other boy was caught red-handed trying to instigate trouble, resulting in HIS suspension.
I think S5 is catching on. But I have him scheduled for counseling next week, the next step in the path started back in March at the request of his Pre-K teachers. He has gotten better since then, but it is obvious he could use a little help. The incidents at the Y this last month reflect that.
S9 is also gearing up for Webelos. I've got to get him a new uniform, and he's such a big kid for his age. He seems to be doing very well. But I still find it a struggle sometimes to have him keep his hands to himself, particularly around his little brother. That Asperger's thing.
xW is still moving out, said to be out by next weekend from these apartments and fully entrenched over at the OM's place. I can bet he will some day rue that decision -- she's going take his property away from him before its over.
That's none of my concern regardless, except where my S"s are concerned. I am dead certain she will now begin the slow steady move towards getting our S's moved out that way and to transfer them to other schools. All more than an hour away from here. It's like seeing a major storm front approaching from many miles away, a dark foreboding cloud cover promising thunder, lighting and hail. She wants her way and to force me out of the picture, but I will stand my ground and fight her every step of the way, God willing.
I am continuing onward with my day to day life, working myself silly, raising my boys, sharing a little fellowship with friends, and writing part of a new novel, but all the while knowing the storm is a'brewing.
I've been thinking a lot lately about things, mostly out of summoning emotions and thoughts in putting word to paper (electronically anyways). I've revisited some of the thoughts and feelings I've had over the years, particularly in the M and in the separation. I find in my current reaction quite a bit of regret for much of my own words and deeds from back then, especially in the days following the bomb. I see the foolishness and the folly, though I can't find fault in keeping hope alive. I wish I could take back some of the words, changed my tone.
In many ways I wish I had thrown in the towel sooner. Not that I am disagreeing with DB principles, but that they were just not going to work in their unvarnished form in my sort of situation. I think, paradoxically, that had I recognized xW for just exactly who she really was and agreed to the divorce sooner then tough love might have shaken her to more rational regard for me and my position. Perhaps. I think resisting her through trying to "save" the M merely gave her something to fight against and a means to demonize me. I do not think it would have changed the final outcome, we likely still would have divorced, but it might have taken the wind out of her sails for her next phase, which was to try to also take my children away.
It was this latter that pains me more than anything. She has her own free will to which I have no domain, so she can go if that's how she really feels, but to try to alienate my own children from me is too much.
So maybe the acrimony was inevitable.
But of course one should not be dwelling too long in the past other than to learn from it. The apostles tell us, "But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." [Phillipians 3:13-14]
We have to keep moving forward, at whatever pace we are able.
