Thanks to everyone for stopping by. I really appreciate your words even if you are new here.
I honestly don't believe my husband is still having an affair. I made it pretty clear to him that if he ever had contact with that girl again that this marriage was over. Even though we were 500 miles apart, I could pretty much tell you the exact day he crossed the line in our marriage. It was pretty obvious he was having an affair by his behavior and he felt so guilty he confessed immediately. His odd behaviors related to the affair have stopped. However, my husband does not understand what an EA is and it would not surprise me if he is talking with someone but we don't live together currently so I can't honestly answer that question. I've checked on him a few times and he has been where he has said he would be...
LRT I agree with you regarding boundaries. My H has not had any boundaries from me during our marriage or from his parents. As a result, he plays the victim. He has a "woe is me" attitude and regularly blames everyone and anything for his lot in life and his life is pretty darn good. I have issues with abandonment and sometimes walk on eggshells afraid he will leave me. I know I need to work setting boundaries and stop operating out of fear and do what's right. But sometimes I'm not sure where to set boundaries and where to DB. Today when he was spewing I was operating on validating him and it shut him up pretty quickly. The spewing stopped and later he sent me a text apologizing. I've learned not to respond to his anger and that seems to stop his outbursts cold.
He tells me all the time he loves me and that he is just angry at the world right now. He also says he knows he is being a jerk to me and doesn't know why. He says all the time he doesn't know what is wrong with him or why he is feeling so bad. He has said he wasn't unhappy in our marriage and then he has said he doesn't know if he's ever been happy in our marriage. It's frustrating as heck. His behavior seems to have been triggered by the death of his mom, a job change and a move across 500 miles without his family. I believe he was totally depressed, met that young thing who gave him lots of attention and pulled him out of his depression for a bit. He didn't have to face reality when he was seeing her and it felt good. Now he is having to deal with all the guilt. He also has pretty low self esteem related to his childhood and those issues have surfaced over the past year. He beats himself up a lot and lives with regret instead of in the moment. He is an eeyore of sorts.
Sometimes I think he is intentionally trying to destroy his life. It's almost as though he doesn't feel he deserves to have a good life. He has a good job but hasn't been doing his work which isn't like him. He also has been drinking and he has been driving which could result in losing his job, also not like him. And then he is destroying our family, something that used to mean the world to him. I just don't get it.
I've been through a lot in my life but I'm a pretty happy person and this has really been dragging me down. I've moved away from my family, friends, home and job and I'm in a new city where I don't know a soul. I'm going to try to focus on my kids, GAL and making some friends, as well as a few 180's. Thanks all for listening.
