New here but learning slowly. Advice appreciated

[LanceSijan]

I've read the "required readings" and think I'm pretty well on my way

There is a list in the resources of books to read. If you have read all of the above linked threads that "cadet" has given you, I would suggest that you start on some books. You can never have enough knowledge about MLC.

Do you have any questions on the reading? Any comments.

As far as leaving the book for your husband to read. What was the name of the book? Do you think that by giving him the book to read you are going to make him go thru this process faster?
That would be erroneous thinking on your part.
Controlling behavior on your part can actually invoke a penalty of extra time in the tunnel for your husband. So I would suggest that you not continue to do that.

Listen to TG he has given you good advice.

[punkin]

Alb,

The only think my husband would read would be a tool sale paper in the toilet. I've read all the books. If I as much as suggested that he might be the one with the problem and reading a book might help - God Bless. Southern Men. You, on the other hand, need to learn as much as you can as fast as you can in order to detach and protect yourself. You can't fix him or control him in any way. All you can do is take the best care of you that you can take, and that includes holding your head up high when and if he does something humiliating to you.

Going Dark was the best approach for me. Right now, it's progressed to PITCH BLACK, but that's another story.

Stay strong for yourself and keep in mind the lessons you've learned in these resources. We are always here for you if you need to vent or blubber or whatever.

[Albuquerque]

I would love to hear any reading suggestions. The book I left was Awakening at Midlife. I've also read Listening to Midlife and Finding Meaning in the second half of life (didn't like that one).

I don't hold any fantasies about this making him leave the OW or going through MLC any faster. My only purpose was to "perhaps" let him realize that what he's going through is not unique and that he's NOT crazy. He actually has referred to himself recently as crazy and is on Xanax for anxiety attacks which started at the beginnings of the full blown MLC. It appears to me (and obviously I'm biased) that unlike many men, he has been quite introspective about himself and his decisions. Doesn't mean he's been making good ones, but there ya go. I gained great comfort in knowing my situation was not unique and I was not alone. That was my only intention for him. I know it will still be a long, painful process for the both of us.

I'm working hard on detachment but it's tough at times. We recently went out to eat at a Chinese place with my D. When the fortune cookies were opened, it's always been our tradition (like most folks) to secretly add the words "in bed" to the end of your fortune. He opened his but didn't read it aloud and I didn't ask. But I saw it as he put it down and it said "Great pleasures await you in the near future" Much to my chagrin, he blatantly takes a picture of it with his phone while my D and I are chatting. No doubt to send to OW which he's gonna be seeing in about a week. That was tough to deal with and still be chatty and upbeat. But I did it.
I guess a question I would have for many of you is how to remain detached when still seeing H often. Like I said, he still comes over often to be with D when I work and/or takes her to his place. But then we often go out to eat. I want the situation to be as normal as possible for my D so I'm still cheerful and chatty. But I've stopped TALKING about myself to him. He doesn't seem interested in my day or my hobbies other than on a very superficial level, so I've stopped discussing that. So we end up discussing TV shows, internet sites, politics etc. And that works OK, but it's hard to detach from someone when I'm also supposed to make everything more normal for D. Am I doing this right? I go NC when I don't need him to help me with D and I've stopped texting/emailing/calling for anything except D or house issues. He'll still occasionally IM or text me chatty things. What's the right response in those cases. Respond normally? Respond vaguely? Delayed response? No response?

[punkin]

I can't give any advice in this case, as my H lives 80 miles away, and I have cut off all contact; e-mail, blocked the phone and cell. Just want you to know there are people out here who can help you and will, just wait and they will find you.

Be Strong.

[TimeHeals]

My only purpose was to "perhaps" let him realize that what he's going through is not unique and that he's NOT crazy

Stop trying to fix him if he doesn't want to be fixed. That's unhealthy thinking.

If he wanted help, he'd ask for it, or he'd be the one buying those books.

I'm working hard on detachment but it's tough at times

Not if you're trying to fix him, you're not.

As for reading suggestions: mix in something funny. Get out of the house with friends or family too. Make some adult time also. Rest, excercise, nutrion.

Until you can detach, I'd suggest you only respond when he asks a question, and then only answer the question. And give yourself time to get over any initial emotional reaction before you respond to anything.

Keep this up until you understand and FEEL he has to find his own way and there is nothing you can or want to do to change that.

Then you can be more moderate.

[Andabelle]

His introspection isn't necessarily positive-- he may just be digging deep for justifications.

[TimeHeals]

His introspection isn't necessarily positive-- he may just be digging deep for justifications.

Maybe so. If if that is accurate, it's not YOUR problem. Boundaries: you cannot fix somebody who doesn't want to be fixed. It's not healthy to even try.

[Albuquerque]

This situation is definitely weighing heavily on my mind recently. He's mentioned a few times that we need to "formalize" the financial arrangments. So far, he deposits most of his money in our joint account. The few times he's said we need to discuss formalizing stuff, I've said, OK let me know when. But he hasn't done anything. More recently he's discussed needing to separate finances. I don't really have a problem with that since he IS spending a lot of his money on trips to/with OW. But that's not an easy endeavor if we're going to do it officially and I once again told him to "let me know". But of course, no movement. However, although he got paid on Monday, he still hasn't deposited any money. I've delayed asking since I'm OK for the short term and didn't want to contact for no reason or seem needy. But it's getting important now. I had a nightmare last night that woke me up. He was telling me he wasn't going to give me any of his money any longer, I was on my own. And then he said "bet you wish you'd gotten your degree in Computer Science". It was a weird dream and it made it hard to back to sleep. Also ironic since I'M the one with advanced degrees and he's self taught. But he's correct that since he's in the computer science field, he DOES make significantly more than I ever will.
It bothers me that I'm so dependent on him financially. I can see him pulling away more and more and I know that finances are going to be problematic. I DO have the ability to make more, but it requires working some crappy hours that would result in my having child care issues. My daughter is 13 so doesn't really need to be "watched" necessarily, but I'd have trouble taking her to and from school etc. I have tried to stop asking H to watch D when I need to work unless absolutely necessary. But unfortunately, it still happens quite often. Not having any family around is definitely problematic. Nothing is easy....

[Albuquerque]

Here's a question for some of you. I know that H has OW. He had an affair almost 10 years ago so I recognized the signs, but there's also been a LOT of other obvious things I've noticed. It's almost like he's not working that hard to try to hide it. I have no plans to tell anyone nor to necessarily "confront him" about it. However, I dislike NOT being honest. He's leaving next week to go to her city and although he may have some real reason, I know that's not the main reason. I've thus far feigned ignorance but I can't help feeling like I'm being dishonest with myself. I know the truth. I'm dealing with the truth as best as possible and with patience I never thought imaginable. But I feel as though I'M lying to HIM by not revealing what I know. I'm trying to think rationally about this and can't quite get my thoughts straight.
Should I let him know I know? I wouldn't do so in a blaming, confrontational way. Just the next time I see him tell him that I don't feel it's right for me to keep secrets and I know about OW. His life is his to live and mine is as well. I choose to keep mine free from secrets.
But then on the other hand, I don't know what the benefit of that would be other than making me feel better. Although that is a benefit that is worth something. What is the general recommendations for this issue?

[Twink]

Albuquerue,

I don't believe I've posted to you before, but I do read nearly all of the MLC threads.

Like you, I recognized many signs of an OW for some time. I questioned H about them, he always had an explanation, and I let it go. There eventually came a time, though, that living a lie became more painful for me than living the truth, whatever that turned out to be. I was losing respect for myself. I was beginning to question why I would put up with the obvious lying and cheating, the disrespect of me and our marriage, and the periodic abusive spewage. So when I had the chance, I verified and confronted. My H left the next day, and has not returned. I do not regret it. I had to stand up for myself. For me, the pain of living a lie was greater than the pain of living alone.

Only you can decide what to do here. Just be certain that you are prepared to accept whatever the outcome might be.