My New LBS Reality

[irishblessings]

Thanks Seeking and Punkin - your support means the world to me.

Rough day / BIL emailed me to check in and said that it looks like my H is definitely pursuing a divorce and that it IS (caps) the path he is choosing. I about lost my lunch. I guess I'm still in shock and denial.

I feel so pathetic - I feel devastated still - like EVERYTHING I've believed in for 28 years was a lie. I know that these feelings are me allowing myself to be sucked into his craziness but feeling this unwanted and unworthy is heavy on my heart.

I know that I am still a mother - and I am very BLESSED by these kids in my life. But I've also always wanted to be a wife - to share my life with a man who would be my best friend, companion, lover, supporter / all these things I thought I had with H. To have lost all of these aspects is overwhelming.

Many of the supporters on this board talk about giving in to the sadness, grief - letting yourself really "feel" it. My question is then what? How do you pull yourself out? Will peace, acceptance come in its own time?

[PEI]

Will peace, acceptance come in its own time?

In a word... YES. And althought I agree with the posters who advise not supressing your feelings, I also think it's important to be conscious of the fact that it is very easy to start to feel sorry for yourself and wallow in it a bit. You can't move throught the grief process without feeling everything you're supposed to feel so cut yourself some slack and let it out every once in a while. Then go do something that makes you happy. Even, no make that especially, if you don't feel like it. Browse a bookstore, a glass of wine with a trusted girlfriend, dancing, exercise class, hugging your kids ... whatever works for irish.

Peace
PEI

[punkin]

I've posted this before, my friends think I'm the strongest person they know. That God doesn't give you more than you can take, but I wish he didn't trust me so much.

There have been days I can't even get out of bed. And if he seeks a divorce . . so what? Those things can drag on for years. They can be dismissed. They are just a piece of paper and have nothing to do with what is in two people's hearts.

So far, I seem to be the only one who has a lunatic for an OW to deal with. Count your blessings for that one!

You are doing great Irish. The down days will come, but they will become farther and farther in between.

[irishblessings]

Made it through another day at work. The last couple of nights I have been really low. Sobbing in fact. BIL dropped a note to let me know he was thinking about us - but that H was definitely pursuing a D and that it IS the path he is choosing. Tough info. Then this morning SIL contacted family distribution list (of which I am still on) because yesterday apparently my H emailed some of the family to let them know that the Asst. Principal of his school was at the grocery and saw that FIL had fallen and the store had called the squad. H emailed to let family know this and said "hopefully he's ok"!! FIL is 80!! H works .5 miles from this place. SIL emails the family and kind of calls H out. H then sends a response that was very detached and said that he had called his dad and he was fine. Another example of the "alien" - where did the man I knew go?

I have had no contact with him and am working to get emotionally stronger. Oldest D moved home for a couple of months so it helps to have another person at home. S and I could use the distraction.

I need healing!

[punkin]

Whatever you do, don't badmouth H to his family, even when they are doing it. It will come back to bite you in the a$$. You stay on as good of terms as you are allowed to be. Don't go overboard, but do what you've always done.

What I'm trying to say is, this all hurts like hell because you aren't just in danger of losing your R with H, but an entire family that has become important to you. Now, blood will tell, but you don't have to be the enemy. Let him burn his own bridges with them no matter what. My H & I are on the verge of a legal battle, but I still email my in-laws every week, and sent them baseball pics of the grands. I never mention H to them at all.

Hang in there, tomorrow will be brighter, I promise.

Having low days are the pits, but sunny days usually follow right behind, in unexpected ways.

[warriorshadow]

Irish,
I know it is hard. As each day passes through this stuff it is like we have to start over building a strong wall back up again. Take some comfort in knowing the man you knew is not present right now. I keep seeing that in my wife and at least I know I am not nuts. When their behavior is so much not like them it is like a reassurance that they are not who they were. Then this nightmare starts making sense. Pay attention to the little things in life that bring a smile to your face. You can always come here and vent and you should.
Do you ever wonder what is in their head that is so painful to them? I wonder that quite a bit.
I guess we should not wish pain on anybody but when we are in pain it's got to make you think, what could possibly be more painful than what we are going through? I hope my wife shares some of what was in her head someday so I can make some sense of
this after the fact. I have a lot of book reading to do on MLC and some here have some insight to this. Your time frame and age of this is so very similar to mine. I have seen changes
from the beginning of this up to now. Things are a little better
now but I keep reading that things got to get worse before they get better. Not very reassuring I know. I do see that the more
you GAL, the better it is to get through this.
You are making it though. I see strength in you that is going
to get you through this!!

[irishblessings]

Today was a milestone for me. I actually slept from 12am-6am and did not wake up AND when I woke up H was NOT the first thing I thought of. OK - he did come to mind a minute or so later ~ but there was a brief time when I didn't think about it!

Work went well (thank goodness) ~ made several presentations over the last few days that impressed the boss so I'm making some movement forward there.

I took S to register for school ~ REALLY didn't want to go but S asked if I would and I didn't let him know I didn't want to be in front of the people that H works with. Luckily did not see H. Just paid the bills ~ supported S ~ and left.

H emails me AND texts me "hey are you available to talk about S's schedule? he may want to make some changes"... Used my filter "Is this an EMERGENCY? - do I need to respond" Answered myself "No" so I texted S and asked him to let his dad know if he wanted his schedule changed and that he has his physical set up. I need some self-preservation ~ and someone on this board advised a while ago about NC unless urgent. It felt good - although I worried that it would probably agitate H. But here's the deal ~ we are not currently co-parenting. I am not responsible for H's relationship with the kids (thanks Brooklyn, Grace, Cat, Gritt, Eric, etc....). I also talked to S and told him that I never want to put him in between his dad and me and if he ever feels like that is happening to please let me know.

So today I feel better - thanks for sticking by me!!

[irishblessings]

I've been reading a lot of the threads this evening and I have a question...

So many posters here share their thoughts that the MLCr is in a tunnel and once or if they make it out then they will recognize all that they had. How often does this really happen? I know that some smart people here have indicated that you should believe none of what an MLCr says and half of what they do - but if while in the tunnel the MLCr finds another and marries them - are they typically happy and do they tend to stay?

My H is so arrogant and full of pride that even if he came out of the tunnel I'm not sure that he would ever admit his losses. Of course this begs the question if he is so arrogant - why would I want him back?:)

I wish I could figure out when he went in the tunnel ~ but I guess it really doesn't matter.

[courageous wife]

Hi IB

Just from what I have read and what I've been told, IF I understood correctly...IF they go on to marry OW, they did not come out of the tunnel and will more than likely repeat the same mistakes as they have not faced their issues.

Have you read HeartsBlessings Stages of a MLC??? She explains about her H having changed after they come out of the tunnel...IF MLCer have faced everything they need to face and come into acceptance...then I believe that they will be a little humbled so pride shouldn't be an issue.

Again, not sure if I understood it all correctly so if anyone has a different interpretation, would be happy to read it!

[glamgirl]

IB I think they do know deep inside the destruction and damage and hurt they are causing. I just think they are hurting themselves or soul searching and need to go through it before they can come out.

What I have read is that if they marry ow that it is a very small percentage that actually survive that marriage. I am sure they will go on and repeat history with the ow too.

They are searching, but don't know for what and then they come to realize gee it was all in front of me all this time. Ha Ha!

Don't worry about the timeline, each situation is different anyway. Keep focused on you and kids. It is the only way to stay sane.