Haven't had computer access for a while. Most of the journey across the country is done. Yesterday, dropped W off at hotel for her to catch flight. I continued driving with kids to my parents. The drive was good at times, stressful at others. Nothing changed in sitch...her mind made up to separate, me continuing to detach.
Then it was time to drop her off and sort of start the separation, though more symbolic at this point. Emotional day for all. Kids emotional just cause their mom not continuing on with them, though they haven't been told yet. W and I emotional cause this is the beginning of our new lives as I told her. She was and is still a wreck. I didn't do as well as I should have dumping her and moving on, but I'm trying with lots of encouragement from a couple DB friends on the alt (only thing I had access too). Three times she told me that she was "pretty sure" this separation/D is what she wanted but now is not sure. She was texting me like crazy as I drove. "Feeling guilty", feeling like she should be with us, not doing ok, just sitting in room not doing anything. I worry a little about the depression, but she promised me she wouldn't do anything and if she got too down she'd call.
I finally reached the point of relief. I was relieved to be on my own with the girls and not with a WAS 24 hours a day in a car and trailer. I am detaching, but I do miss her. It is tough travelling across the country on my own. But for me and any chance of an us, I need to detach and she needs to feel the consequences of the decisions she is about to act upon. She called once the first night and talked to the girls and then me for a little bit. Still a mess and still in tears and admitting she isn't doing well at all. That is a big one for her...she likes to be the tough/strong one and not admit she isn't doing well. I replied that some time apart would probably do us both some good.
In a few days, we will be back together. One vehicle for now plus the fact that our household was shipped together, we cannot completely start separate lives yet. If she caves quickly, I have my boundaries in place on what it would take for me to be willing to try again.
I am getting support from my family who I have finally told that separation is right around the corner. I am lining up financial things with business decisions in mind. The tables have turned. I am the strong one and handling things well, she is a mess and scared.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
In last two days, she may have finally been hitting rock bottom. She asked me for another chance at working on M. I said I would have to think about it but IF I were to agree, then here are the boundaries: transparency on contact with OM, transparency on her getting help she needs for her issues, Retrouville or possibly MC, commitment to work on things over long term, not a week.
Now I am being pursued. She has made herself physically sick. Lots of new phrases being used on our one phone call and multiple texts. Things like I want to fix this. I can't eat, I don't feel like it. I made the wrong decision. I shouldn't be here on my own, I should be with my family. I want to be happy again like we were 18 months ago (finally some non WAS talk...she admits things were good), I don't feel like I've been myself, I deserve to be punished, I have done so much damage, I want my family back. To the family comment, I mentioned the kids would love her to here too, and she replied you too, you are my family too, I want you back.
And I continue to let her stew and wonder. Said I am still thinking about things and I am. I need to see she really means it and that she wants me, not just the kids.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Well you know my perspective on this GW... and how amazingly strong I think you have been! I am so glad to read about your strength and how you are now in control of your own sitch. Bravo!
Do NOT waver on your boundaries, no matter what. You know you cannot go back to her waffling and leaning on you as a friend then going back to contact with OM.
You are strong, you are in control, and you can do this. Although you care about her and her emotional state, you are not responsible for her. She is a big girl and is experiencing the consequences of her own choices and actions.
Will be starting a new thread in piecing soon. Short version - from the second our true S started, before either of us had ever even found a place to live - she started to doubt her decision and reality finally hit. I took the advice of Gucci and Steve McQueen and made sure she knew I was letting her go...and things changed quickly.
In her words - the reality of what I was doing finally hit me and I didn't like it. I didn't like who I had become. I didn't like what OM had turned me into. I wanted my H, my M, my family back. And then you were distancing yourself quickly, you wouldn't even answer my texts for hours, and I didn't like it. My gut was telling me I was doing the wrong thing. Combine that with pressure from OM and OM starting to act "like an @shole#$" and I got the "I wish I had never met him. He almost ruined my life. I thought it was what I wanted, it took the reality of you driving away with the kids to make me realize I was wrong and had to break it off immediately, for good, for real this time"
Lots of other talks/boundaries/debates between this and now that I won't spell out. I have transparency now, she ended EA with OM, and we are working on rebuilding things. We are currently at our new location and looking for one place for our entire family without any hesitancy. Both committed to rebuilding a new M that is stronger and better than before.
In the end, it was a combo of all the great advice from a bunch of great people and friends and vets that got us to this point. Combo of letting go, being the better option, crisis of the move, reality of being on her own, and getting some medication for depression...that led us to this point.
A little over 8 months after the bomb was dropped, there is true hope now
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Couldnt have happened to a nicer man in my opinion! Im so proud of you hun, you stuck it out big time and one day hopefully W will really appreciate the amount of fight you put in to save your M!
It took real spherical objects at times, and having done the let them go scenario myself I know how hard that really is, but it has to be said it works so well!
Well onwards and upwards now, it will still be uphill for a while but you have real hope now and the chance to make your M what it truely should be! BTW perhaps you should adapt your screen name now to NOT SO GW LOL!
Last edited by Lost Rabbit; 08/14/1010:30 AM.
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
In my opinion, how you handled things 8/1 - 8/3, in particular (not jumping thru the very first reconciliation hoop she held up) were KEY. Too many people make that mistake and quickly go all "melty man!"
