How about.. tell him you love him, you are so pleased he is back in your life, yes you would love to continue to build an R with him, but that if he decides he cant do that full-time/in your house right now and wants to move away then you will support him and always be his friend, no matter what.
He's been a mess for the past 3 (?) years hasnt he, so it shouldnt be a surprise to you. He flipped, got stressed, depressed, lost his job, shacked up with a horrendous woman etc etc. He's still finding his way out of the tunnel Mish, I vote for loving compassion toward him.. as always. But then thats because I am a sappy push-over Piscean But hey, it worked for me, I forgave H the day we got back together.
xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Oh how I would love to tell him just that Ali. It's just not that simple.
Case in point.......This morning Gabe went for his walk and I jumped on the eliptical (I would have walked with him but I have Plantar Fascitis in my right foot and walking nearly cripples me). When he came back I told him I was so proud of him for keeping with his exercise plan. He thanked me and headed off for the shower. I finished my workout and I walked into the bedroom as he was walking out. I leaned in to kiss him and he just stood there. No hugging, no response. Like kissing a dead fish. I have told him in the past that when he does that I feel repulsive and it hurts my heart. He said he was sorry but there was no expansion on it. Today when he did it I said, "You know it upsets me when you give no response at all. It screams "GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU'RE ANNOYING!"." He said that's not true and walked off to go shave. I was upset. Being dismissed like that hurt just as much as the non-response. It is history repeated and sent me into a spin. He came back in and immediately told me that he was sorry, he likes it when I kiss him but not all the time. He feels smothered. I teared up but just said, "Ok." He then launched into the whole what's wrong? What did I do? Etc.. This led into me telling him that I am a very affectionate person and that is how I express my feelings.
It went downhill after that. He kept going on and on about how he does nothing right and he is always to blame for upsetting me. I kept insisting that was not the case but that we needed to talk about these things. His only response.....I can't. There's nothing to talk about. The end.
I got in the shower. He left without a goodbye. Period.
So really, there isn't anything left to do is there? Kick him out? Why? Because he has no ability to be open with me? What kind of reason is that to kick out the father of your child?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
He sounds like a broken man that does not know what he wants in life. You, on the other hand, are trying to make the choice of loving him. But it sounds like you are reaching a point of frustration of not getting your love tank and needs filled.
When he said that he would like to move to CA, but was conflicted because he did not want to move away from Marc, did he not mention that he wants to remain with YOU also?
So, why does that mean you can't tell him that? Email works.
"Gabe,
I love you, I have enjoyed having you back in our lives. I'd love to continue to build an R with you, and if we continue as we are living now, to me that means taking the step to a committed, monogomous R, it means working together to get past the affair, it means creating an R that works for both of us, it means open and honest communication, deep emotional intimacy, mutual concern, compassion and respect. That's where I am. I'm not being fair to myself if I continue to live with you if we aren't together in this.
If we are in this together, that is wonderful. Let's get on the same page. We can try. There are some things that I'll need to take care of myself. Perhaps the same is true of you. Things may work and they may not. If they don't, that doesn't make us bad people.
If we aren't in this together, if you are someplace else, that's fine too. If you don't want to commit to trying to reconcile, to being together in a full-time relationship, and to living together right now, that's fine. We just need to change things. We'll need to back off the romantic R side of things back to a platonic R and you'll need to find new digs. If you want to move away then I'll support that decision. These changes won't mean that you are a bad guy, it just means we are in different places. We will always be parents together to Marc and I'll always wish you the very best, including a wonderful life, whatever that looks like for you."
Today when he did it I said, "You know it upsets me when you give no response at all. It screams "GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU'RE ANNOYING!"." He said that's not true and walked off to go shave. I was upset. Being dismissed like that hurt just as much as the non-response. It is history repeated and sent me into a spin. He came back in and immediately told me that he was sorry, he likes it when I kiss him but not all the time. He feels smothered. I teared up but just said, "Ok." He then launched into the whole what's wrong? What did I do? Etc.. This led into me telling him that I am a very affectionate person and that is how I express my feelings.
You are reading rejection into what is merely a difference in love languages. It's okay to be a physical touch person, I am. But he obviously feels smothered by it, rather than the message of affection you are trying to convey. You are speaking different languages is all.
Then you go and get teary on him. Which always freaks guys out. So then he feels like he can't tell you things because you'll get upset no matter how he says it, thus the "what did I do wrong" issues. Which always leads to guys just not wanting to say what's on their mind because they don't feel there is a safe time and place to have these conversations.
Also, him walking away is not a rejection. Michele and a lot of other therapists talk about men "caving". Michele even says a problem with her and her husband is that when they fight, she wants to be hugged and he wants space. She says that the hardest thing for her to do is let him walk away and come back in his own time. But they both understand each other. So sometimes he makes himself give her a quick hug before he disappears, and she forces herself not to follow him and give him space. Then they work thru the issue when they have both had time to think and calm down.
And, as OT pointed out, you can still say those things.
You just need to find the right mode of communication. For something big, maybe e-mails and texts are better so you both have some time and space to read and think about what has been said without immediate pressure.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Good points Michelle! Gabe is the distancer (as many men are) while Mish is more of the pursuer in the relationship. It can still work by finding the right timing and means of communication.
There really doesn't seem much point in the communication at this point. I called to ask him exactly where the DDS is (Division of Driver Services) and after he gave me the info, joked with me about Marc drooling out the side of his mouth while we wait there (he'd just had dental work), and asked me what my plans for the day were he laid this on me (over the danged phone!):
"You know, I've been thinking and I really need to get out of here. I need to go to California. Find me a cheap ticket please. I just can't take it anymore."
Ummm....ok. Where in the sam heck did that come from so suddenly? What a thing to drop on me over the phone! You couldn't have waited until you came back tonight from work to tell me that you are going to leave? I just got really quiet on the phone, told him that I would take a look and hung up. He just texted me about 30 minutes ago "Are you mad?" I was honest. No, I'm not mad. Sad, yes. It will be ok.
Left it at that. Really, I know my heart can't take any more of this pain. I think I'm really done this time.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
The man is the champion of bad decision making. And at a cost - your emotional anquish. I sympathize with your frustration at being in continual limbo and being worked like a yo yo.
Mish, just remember you gave it your best. He deciced he couldn't deal with it. Better now then months or years down the road. That's not much solice, I know. Sorry this is the way it went. Btw, let him get his own damn ticket!
But hey, it worked for me, I forgave H the day we got back together.