You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[NoCodeBlues]

In all fairness to CTH, I've gotta' ask, how on Earth does one enter an online forum centered around failing marriages and not end up talking about the spouse, former or otherwise? And why is it that one cannot even mention the wayward without someone accusing you of dwelling too much on them, even in the context of discussing your children?

There's a fine line, I know, but some folks draw it a bit more stringently than I think it warrants.

Sorry, Awest, I'm not singling you out in particular; it's that I see this response quite a lot. In fact, I get the impression some (again not you in particular) would rather we got to where we never mention a former spouse at all. If that's what you want, then I say that's all fine, but then I can't find much reason to comment about trivial stuff like playing the back nine on some course or b-s'ing about team sports in a venue that wasn't meant for that. One can do that in plenty of other places of course.

Sorry for the rant, CTH. For the record, mentioning the ex or STBX is a given, at least some of the time, especially if you have kids. I can tell you it often takes a long time to get to where you feel sufficiently insulated from the damage caused by an ex's wanton actions. I'm not quite there myself, but I will, and I know you will make it there too, CTH.

[BobbiJo]

I concur...my life is not all about my ex but this forum is one place where I feel free to share whatever I am feeling because you guys have been there and get it.

I think the healing process is different for everyone. Maybe some never mention their spouses bc they have moved 'above and beyond'...but maybe others don't mention them because they are avoiding talking about it. Who knows, not my place to say.

Anyway just a long way of saying it's your thread, talk about whatever crosses your mind. I fit a lot of that profile for codependency. It can be hard for me to really identify what I am feeling and even more difficult to identify what I want! Sometimes I struggle over things as simple as which movie I want to watch or which food I want to eat...ack!

[ClingingToHope]

BBJ, I just like the fact you started the post with "I concur."

Conquering codependency and the fear of abandonment is going to be crucial for me to every really have a healthy relationship.

There is lots of work for me to do, although I'm feeling better overall about things. Perhaps that's finances. Now that the summer is over I can get back to really focusing on cutting down debt.

I pulled out the diary from a year ago to review things. July 30, 2009, I wrote this, "I just have a sense of peace, a feeling that she will realize I was the one for her. As things mount, pressures, she'll realize I helped and am still helping."

Boy, was I in denial.

[soleil]

It's always interesting to go back and read what we've journalled. And I agree with the others who said it's normal to talk about stbx/ex. It's all a part of the grieving process.

[ClingingToHope]

Text form STBXW. D8 did not have a good day at camp and is not having a good time at daycare. Can I pick her up early.

This is a funny week in a way. Whenever D8 and D11 did horse camp in this town I was the pickup person since it's on my side of town.

I did not offer to pick D8 up this week but was prepared to say yes if STBXW asked. She has not asked. She's driving 20 minutes across town, picking her up and driving 20 minutes back.

In the past, she always whined when she had to miss ANY time from her job.

So she's stepping up and I guess it's part of the consequences.

Still, when it comes to special things like leaving early or if they are sick -- then it's me.

For D8, I'll do it. I will have to figure out something for her to do at 5:15 p.m. though. I have a 5:30 hot wings challenge for the newspaper.

[ClingingToHope]

D11 had an OK time here and seemed excited to go to a coworker's apartment until STBXW could pick her up. The coworker has watched her before and has a dog and D11 looooovvvveeessss dogs.

I had to go to a local bar to shoot a video for the newspaper. I did a "Man vs. Food" thing on hot wings and this is easily one of the 10 dumbest things I've ever done.

My insides were seriously on fire. My face was on fire. I can't explain the pain. Snot was running down my face. I did not look good.

I'm just now feeling better.

The video will be up next week. If anyone wants to see it, I'll give you a way to find it on youtube.

[ClingingToHope]

Forgot to report I got an email from my L. No court hearing tomorrow. Basically, he says the last thing left is for me to sign whatever documents I can so she's on the second mortgage.

That's no problem. I've washed my hands of it. She won't be able to sell it for two or three years at least.

He thinks we're nearing the end. Today -- with my insides on fire -- I'm not too worried about it.

[Reincarnated]

Is it evil of me that I am grinning at the picture you painted? I'm sorry....

[ClingingToHope]

Donna. One last thing to add. It burned going in and ... it's burning coming out.

[Reincarnated]

OK, now that picture I could have done without-serves me right.

Sorry you are sore....