"I have a hunch however that K puts a negative spin on things regarding hubby here (and in her real life) for self preservation purposes and honestly who could blame her." Very perceptive John.
K, your expectations of him are yours alone; at least not his. And I think that's probably true in any R. You can say things a million times and the other person does not get it. MWD says couples continue to fight about the same old things all their life. If the quality time means so much to you communicate that in the best way possible (please, not with negative emotions of anger) and get a solution in place soon or it will continue to eat into you; infidelity of course cannot be tolerated; live with (forgive?) the rest. PMS is understandable but how is a man to know what to take seriously during these volcanic emotional eruptions?
I think we have turmed a corner. After him asnwering nearly all of my 37 questions (didnt remember them all to ask), I got upset and mad. PMSing and THAT was not a good combination. But, very quickly, overnight, I felt better. I wasnt mad at him, I felt closer to him. Funny huh? Anyway, the truth is that what I did learn just confirmed the "vanity" of his affair but also the intensity and the craziness. According to him which is also what I had read, the affair started in August 2006 and by summer 2008 he wanted out. A little less of 2 years but less than a year after he left our home and M. So, secrecy did fuel the damn affair in my case as well.
He also said that although he knew he wanted me and our family and felt he loved me deeply, the fact that I found out actually made the final detachement from her faster and more drastic. He said when he told her I knew details but was pretty calm about it (ONLY the first night, LOL) she replied that "of course I were, I knew it all along". I cant explain it but she put me down a bit and from what he sounded he didnt like it that she questioned my "pain"? Hard to explain.
Anyway, still ways to go but he seemed to be shocked by my honest explanation about how humiliated I feel, how hurt and how sometimes I feel I am discounting my values by staying with him: I was taught to NOT allow others to mistreat me or disrespect me. He kept on about how HE feels humiliated, HE is the laughing stock of all our friends and family, HE feels he f@cked up royally etc. And I agreed ( ). Only, that, that doesnt mean I dont feel the same way also but for different reasons.
I really need to go on vacation and I am struggling to come to work every day. 2 weeks wont be enough... K
Only for friends... My daily life is so full right now, trying to entertain the kids etc in the afternoons-evenings that I really cant be staying up till 3-4 in the morning to manage to be productive.
Sorry about your dad, hope he heals fast. Good luck with surgery... K
Glad you had a turning point. I know he doesn't want to keep "picking at the wound" but you have to get the "poison" out so to speak. When my ex had his first affair he didn't want to talk about it and things in our lives were moving so quickly, I let it go or so I thought.
The betrayal came up in little ways over the years. I was so busy with the kids, it still never was discussed much. So it came back and bit us in the rear. So even though it is painful , get to the bottom of it. Just don't keep at it once you have your answers or neither of you will be able to heal.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hey K, seems you got something positive out of this latest crisis? Well done for demanding that he answer.. I thought it interesting that he did answer all your questions whereas he wouldnt before, but more time has gone by, you have been reconciled for longer, it may be easier/safer for him to answer now?
I liked this bit.."although he knew he wanted me and our family and felt he loved me deeply, the fact that I found out actually made the final detachement from her faster and more drastic." .. how lovely to hear that even during the A and before he detached from her he still knew that he loved you "deeply". I hope that was validating for you to hear that? Yes A's are crazy, they kidnap your brain, IMH experience!
The bit about discounting your values... I dont know, I guess thats where that phrase comes from "all's fair in love and war" - you accept in those situations people WILL hurt you, harm you and do dreadful things. Thats where the forgiveness comes in hey.
And when he said "He kept on about how HE feels humiliated, HE is the laughing stock of all our friends and family, HE feels he f@cked up royally etc." thats textbook hey for these WAS who make bad choices, have A's and then royally regret it. Again, I hope it was validating for you to hear that and for him to be so honest.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
"although he knew he wanted me and our family and felt he loved me deeply, the fact that I found out actually made the final detachement from her faster and more drastic."
"He kept on about how HE feels humiliated, HE is the laughing stock of all our friends and family, HE feels he f@cked up royally etc."
So why did he do it then? Thought he could lie and cheat and won't get caught with a mistress on the side? Is that why he feels humiliated now? You were fooled for the better part of a year thinking there's no OW!? It would be easier to hear from him that he deeply regrets the suffering he caused you and others around you and asks for forgiveness. Apart from the sad feeling that he supposedly "loved" the OW, restoring trust here seems to be the hardest battle! There will be that long lingering doubt somewhere at the back of your mind. That said you still have to wait for forgiveness to come to you.
). Only, that, that doesnt mean I dont feel the same way also but for different reasons.