New Game- Exposed

[Truegritter]

CD

There is a little too much W stuff up there^^^^^


For my taste.

What is it you don't like about YOU that you would change?

All this stuff that happened is the what.

WHY did it happen?

Where did you go off your track?

From your core.

Think of things you admire and aspire to be as well.

This is hard stuff my man. You gotta dig.

[CD Bear]

Thanks, Gritter.

I know there was a lot of W stuff. I was trying to contrast her perception with the reality. Admittedly, there was some "wasn't all my fault" in there, too.

I understand what you are saying. Inside the what's are the why's.

They are pretty clear to me.

I allowed myself-
-to be overcommitted
-to sacrifice too much of ME for US
-to be distracted from MY needs and wants
-to get caught up and made unhappy from her unhappiness/issues
-enforce no boundaries
-be distracted from seeing/hearing her hurt
-to become subjective and only see it from MY side
-let her make too many decisions

I know I have to guard against these conditions happening again.

[steady]

Who? Me?
Oh, I READ the exercises.
But "it's important to read the whole book in case there is important stuff later that makes the exercises more profound"

Oooh! Look at THIS book!! Gimme, gimme!

LMAO...who are you? Me?

[CD Bear]

Apparently.

[MHL]

They are pretty clear to me.

I allowed myself-
-to be overcommitted

Now ask yourself "why" on this one.


This is going to take a little courage and fortitude but ask yourself really....."What is it that she sees in a 24 year old loser who lives with his brother/sister (whoever) point is he can't afford a place of his own. What was the initial attraction? I am not talking about looks here either.

Start to answer these 2 questions and you will start to "UNDERSTAND" her.

[CD Bear]

I didn't set boundaries and appeased her. I let my excitement about my new wife and the optimism about the new job trap me into a house we really didn't NEED. We WANTED it.

The 23 year old? He appears to me as a soft-spoken flirt/nice guy; talks softly and listens more than I have in the last while; 6 years younger (his age strokes her ego about self-image-which I clearly failed to do) and they go camping and have romantic hotel weekends and probably cuddle. We hadn't done camping since before D was born; the cuddling slipped away over time with resentment/isolation from about the time of the pregnancy as well.

Kids (especially first) change things. Everything they are doing together is because "they" have a 2.5 year old; not a 6 month/ 1 yr old. They are quasi-single.

I know exactly how I got her. I was very affectionate; emailed/texted cute nothings all the time; spent lots of time doing nothing with her (TV, movies- quality time LL); and I was at a job 10 years and had a swagger cause I knew my stuff. Plus, the house; the Cobra; the drums; and not broke all the time.
But there is so much negativity towards me right now none of this stuff would affect her coming from me. IMO.

[CD Bear]

I thought a little more.

I allowed myself-
-to be overcommitted

See "NMMNG"
Appeasing (esp women)
Pleasing everyone but self
Looking for "Nice Guy" validation from her
Presumed "contract" (if I do x; you'll do Y)
Passive Aggressive bhvr
NOT asking for what I need/want
"Collapsed" on her. Made her "center of universe"
Sold my soul to keep her-surprised I got her (low self-image/esteem)

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I know exactly how I got her. I was very affectionate; emailed/texted cute nothings all the time; spent lots of time doing nothing with her (TV, movies- quality time LL); and I was at a job 10 years and had a swagger cause I knew my stuff. Plus, the house; the Cobra; the drums; and not broke all the time.
But there is so much negativity towards me right now none of this stuff would affect her coming from me. IMO.

I tend to agree. At least not right now. But the ATTITUDE behind this stuff is the "essence of CD Bear," and a core to which you need to return. YOU will be happier that you did, and at SOME point, I guarantee you that your wife WILL notice this stuff. It may be when OM dumps her ass, or it may be the day after your divorce is final. It may be three weeks from now or it may be two YEARS from now. But you DID attract her once, and there's a reason for that, and her brain will NOT always be closed to you chemically.

Puppy

[Truegritter]

But there is so much negativity towards me right now none of this stuff would affect her coming from me. IMO.

These "things" don't have longevity.

You are not your job are you?

You are not your car are you?

You are not the guy that can buy the nice house are you?

Your list up there is a good start.

It is funny you listed it just as I did when I was asked the same question...bullet point style ...funny, hmmmm.

You have to keep drilling down each one of these things until you get to the basic level...

Example: I was riddled with anxiety and self doubt I didn't want to do anything...why?

I realized I never healed from my first M and I doubted my own ability to make good choices.

The "what's" that happened were I took this out on my W and myself.

The why's were because I didn't deal with unresolved questions I had for myself. My choices and why I made them.

Action to kill this.

I forgave myself for my mistakes and I let go of resentments...

Laser shots CD.

You are on a seek and destroy mission.

Find your shortcomings and kill what you don't want in your life.

Then wake up each day and be the man you want to be

NOT

the man you think your W wants.

Or anyone else for that matter...

[CD Bear]

Thanks PDT.
That's who I was and that's who I liked being.
Sure, I wanted more of everything (who doesn't) but
I was OK where I was and working for more and better.
THAT guy (who W referred to as "green shirt guy"-from some pictures we had done)was "Catnip" as Coach says. And he couldn't keep his hands off his GF/W back then.

I just arranged our mediation meeting for Monday at 2.

Begin working on the Sep Agreement. Gonna calm down and cheer up.