So lets bring this back around, and somebody said it up thread....Women are attracted to strong, confident men who are moving in a direction and have a purpose in life, they want to hop on that train and go where you are going. Thing is sometimes when they jump on we start to focus on them and forget to keep the train going. This is what attracted CD's wife to CD.....guaranf@ckingtee it!!!
I know you want your wife back, I want mine back too. But you better get on with LIVING YOUR LIFE or she is not going to ever hop back on that train with you.
Pretty damn close.
I got jerked at my old job and changed it just after we were married. Had to learn a whole new thing. Time Distraction-Money Pressure
We also had a 25K debt from the wedding. Money Pressure
When we got pregnant, we looked at more "family houses'. Bigger, larger yard. Found one on a golf course. Twice the price of old but we loved the idea. DISTRACTION-FINANCIAL PRESSURE
To maximize the down pymt on NEW house, needed to completely (down to studs) reno the old one. MYSELF! While she was pregnant. DISTRACTION-TIME; Money Pressure!
She had quit smoking during pregnancy. She berates me for not following suit as promised DISTRACTION-GUILT
Her pregnancy-she gained 80 pounds. Uncomfortable; moody; hormonal; isolated (I'm job then reno every day) NEGATIVE EXPERIENCE.
And yes, they ARE regular things in life. But, and I've said this to her, if you exclude 'death in family', we were simultaneously doing allmost all of the most stressful experiences in life. Plus looking forward to childbirth; maternity leave (reduced income); new house; etc. And, since we have both admitted our courtship was almost issue free, we hadn't had to really learn any coping skills for conflict. Then when EVERYTHING hit at once, we both withdrew. Depression, resentment, unhappiness, etc. She went negative towrd me and the M. I'm even considering that since she was thinking "end of marriage" during pregnancy, that she "waited it out" til D was old enough and then dropped the bomb.
As you can see, I wasn't blaming these things on the R. I was attributing the slide of the R on all the things we were going through. And the condition of the R made all these things more difficult and less enjoyable.
When "things' had to drop out of the time and/or money budget, MY stuff went away. Drums, hockey, driving the car, family, outside activities, friends, etc. All I had was a miserable wife; a new job I was beginning to dislike (so was she); and so much pressure to DO EVERYTHING that I lost me.
By the time we got into the new house, (D was 3 months) then a whole new set of problems. I was responsible for dealing with the homebuilder deficiencies. She was doing "retail therapy" to counter her post-partum. (Doesn't like pills) 400/month in gas going in and out of town PLUS whatever she bought. (remember, we were double the old mortgage pymt and her income on mat leave was half.)
We just never came out of the slide. There were happy times and occasions but the negative tendency was already there. My mistake was I kept hoping things would get better over time as the pressures subsided.
Of course I had more dreams. I wanted to finish the basement; maintain our yearly Mexico trips; get a travel trailer for summer holiday; put in another patio with a hot tub; start spending "couple time" once D was more independent. Improve my job and build this new career.
I agree that I need to find my purpose and set some goals. But I can't really do that until I am free from her (Sep Agreement) so I know where I stand to begin again.
All I want to do is get back to where I was before. It was pretty good. Better than this.
