Hi Puppy You know what after the talk last night i even felt like there was less chance of her being in an affair. I think she wants to be out there playing the field like a 20 yr old but has nothing as yet.
Even if there was that crosses one of my personal boundaries and I would not take her back even if she wanted to come back.
Just to clarify she wasn't talking about abandoning her kid. It came up in the context or her talking about moving out and I asked her how she was going to take care of her S when she worked shifts. She said she would get friends and sitters to mind him and he would just have to deal with it. It was all calm and i said to her that that doesn't sound fair on either her Son or her friends. That was when she her "this is my life comment"
The way it was made was more indicative of a spoiled brat more than someone who had a plan.
There was no time over the last week or so that she wasn't either working or home. She just sits around for the most part in a bad mood.
The only thing I can think of is the A is in her head right now and she thinks if she separates she has a chance of making it real.
I agree i don't think it is anyone specific which is why I never found anything. I have no doubt that this is something she will regret when she leaves. She broke down and said I was her best friend and she wanted to keep things that way. I told her that was not something i can do. i hate to say it especially on this forum but if she puts our family and the kids through this and forces us to sell the house and start rebuilding our lives I dont think I could ever trust her that this wouldn't go down again sometime in the future if i let her back in.
When I told her this I could see in her eyes that she originally expected me to be there if she needed me or wanted back.
Even though i have always regarded her S as my own and love him ( She always acknowledges this ) i need to accept that he is no longer my responsibility and that hurts a lot. I do worry for his future as do her family and friends who have contacted me since this all began.
I need to just concentrate on my own S and make sure the impact on him is minimized. Although he may be better away from her right now
So I guess the next couple of weeks are crucial. i have no faith that she will come around before she does irreparable damage.
This whole thing is unbelievable especially when you don't have any real compelling reason for it. She asked me how we split the financial stuff as she has never handled any of this. When I laid it out she looked shocked when she saw the numbers. I am ok as my salary is quite a bit higher but she will really have to scale back.
Even though i have always regarded her S as my own and love him ( She always acknowledges this ) i need to accept that he is no longer my responsibility and that hurts a lot. I do worry for his future as do her family and friends who have contacted me since this all began.
I need to just concentrate on my own S and make sure the impact on him is minimized. Although he may be better away from her right now
I wouldn't abandon her S.It maybe be me, I couldn't put the kids in the middle of this. To me its wrong, they have nothing to do with the D.
In my sitch, I actually did the opposite. I spent more time with the kids. Infact, I spent alot of time with them. Sometimes when we would go out to places,(movies, resturant, etc)or even play around the house, W tried to see if she could join in. I always told her, "It was something I had planned with just the kids." She would get discouraged, and encourged at the same time. She wasn't involved, but saw that I care for the kids and we would have would have a good time.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
Just to clarify she wasn't talking about abandoning her kid. It came up in the context or her talking about moving out and I asked her how she was going to take care of her S when she worked shifts. She said she would get friends and sitters to mind him and he would just have to deal with it. It was all calm and i said to her that that doesn't sound fair on either her Son or her friends. That was when she her "this is my life comment"
The way it was made was more indicative of a spoiled brat more than someone who had a plan.
She is pushing your buttons and you let her. She is good at it and she knows it and she knows it will definitely get to you. It does. One thing you should get from Sandi's list, your "LRT," is avoid the quagmire.
One thing I get from your posts and you said it yourself, a couple times, "I feel we are just playing a game with each other." At some point it becomes no longer a matter of pride and being right but a need to not make matters worse or, more so, baffle yourself in pointless arguments and relationship riddles.
You are vague with your history and I could ask alot of interesting questions about the dynamics of your relationship, but the most important one, I think, for you to think about, is prior to 5 months ago, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, was she spending alot of time out of the house?
My wife too has never wanted to be involved in the finances. So now she's horrified about how she'll pay for stuff on her small salary.
I also think that if she goes through with a D down the road, it'll be hard to be friends or anything close to that; just co-parents. I'll never be able to trust someone willing to light a match to so many people's lives.
I will never be friends with my W. I will do what is best for the kids and that is it for me. She told me we could be good friends once, and I was WTH. I did not marry to be just good friend. It is just terrible to say that to the person you married. I told her it ain't going to happen.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
Even though my sitch is just moving into the phase a lot of people are at it certainly seems like its over.
We started having discussions on how to tell the kids. I wanted to tell them together so we could discuss it as a group and answer any questions they had. She would not agree to that and said she wanted to deal separately with our own kids.
She also remarked that she was going to tell her S that most of this was caused by my S. The boys are just turned 11 and are like brothers as they have been together most of their lives. They go to school together and play on the same teams. I told her this was wrong and they dont need to know any details just what is happening. She would not give that commitment.
I then told her I would not tolerate that and if she proceeded with it that I would let our joint friends know what she is doing ( they are all family people and would not be impressed ) and also that I would no longer take any responsibility for minding her son when she is on shift work which would put her in a bind.
Did not want to go down this path but want to discourage her on poisoning the boys. Her S will prob take this much worse than mine and she is just trying to deflect any blame off herself. i even said that I dont mind sharing the blame for the breakup equally with her if that helps ease things but that didn't change things. She is going to tell her S today so we'll see what happens.
She was pissed that i took such a rigid stance on this and actually moved into the spare room last night which I guess she thinks punishes me.
She counts my behavior in this matter as controlling and has said the same.Maybe but I think it is important to protect the kids from any blame here as it will be difficult enough on them.
She would not even look at me or say anything. When I said good morning the kids responded and started chatting and she just grunted.
Her maturity level is just incredible. I just wonder how i never noticed this over the last 8 yrs.
She also remarked that she was going to tell her S that most of this was caused by my S.
It's too bad she's involving the kids in this. That is really a shame. All you can do is handle your own matters as best as you can. Talk to your S in a mature manner. If she wants to act like a child, that's her issue.
Originally Posted By: Khudoo
She would not even look at me or say anything. When I said good morning the kids responded and started chatting and she just grunted.
Her maturity level is just incredible. I just wonder how i never noticed this over the last 8 yrs.
Sorry to hear that. Again, try to stay above the fray.
She was pissed that i took such a rigid stance on this and actually moved into the spare room last night which I guess she thinks punishes me.
She counts my behavior in this matter as controlling and has said the same. Maybe but I think it is important to protect the kids from any blame here as it will be difficult enough on them.
Kh, see what you did there? You went by "What is THE RIGHT THING TO DO" instead of by what your wife might see as "controlling" or whatever.
BINGO!!!
You ABSOLUTELY continue to stand up and do what's right by those kids. It is UNCONSCIONABLE what she's doing here! And do NOT let her inform them by herself; make sure you are there too, and correct anything that needs correcting. If she does it anyway, then make sure you circle back with each of them, answer any of their questions honestly, and reassure them both.
