I read an article that talked about FOO stuff, especially for families affected by alcoholism. The roles that each member takes on.
Made me think of my sister. I don't think too many here will remember our background... suffice to say that we grew up in dysfunction, 10 years apart. I was older, so she had to deal with an alcoholic who was 10 years deeper into their illness, while also dealing with me "abandoning" her when I went away to college, graduated and married a week later - she was only 8 when I moved out.
We are not in contact at present. She most-likely has untreated bi-polar. And I am just coming to understand how our roles, how what I did, came to influence her.
So, my conflict: After all I've learned, I'd like to apologize and make any amends that I could to her for my part in the dynamic. It was so much more than I could comprehend for a very long time.
But I'd also like to respect her choice to have no contact with me (or any of our family). I think one of her coping strategies is to cut off connections to everyone who might hurt her through abandonment, argument, judgement or death.
Might be another place to write a letter that never gets mailed.....
Anyway, my thoughts for tonight. I wonder if my life is just getting so settled right now that I am jonesin' for some drama.....?
WOW, Donna, I need to read your entire thread (#38 at least). So much of what you say resonates with me. I was the oldest sister leaving for college, 11 and 12 years older than my sisters, and we have an alcoholic mom.
I read the first page. Thank you for sharing what you have learned on your journey! It really helps people.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I guess the question is.. What is your goal in contacting her?
If it were me, I'd consider writing a very short note of what I felt and understood without defending going to college, etc. (And sometimes one additional reason young adults get married is to escape a bad home environment.)
In the end she was a helpless child, alone in a disturbing home. Write from the heart to her. Your realization and understanding of what she went through. Your remorse. And let her decide her next step.
I packed up the last of the memories of x and I and sent it over to his house in a box. The dream was of me packing it all, collecting it from the corners of my house.
Photos, from high school all the way through 2006 (when it really got bad and I stopped using a camera). Hundreds of pictures, from the time he was 15....my son's age, now. My wedding dress. The cake-topper I hand-made. Our toasting glasses. Christmas ornaments, collected as reminders of events in our lives, of things we each liked (mostly Hallmark, ones collected on trips, etc.) His old letterman jacket and wrestling sweatshirt. The wedding album and video tape. I kept a few pics for the kids when they get older and packed them away for them in their own keepsake boxes. The letters and cards I saved for 20+ years. The torn-out page of my high school yearbook that he wrote on, ending with one of his many marriage proposals.
I woke up wondering what he would do with all of this stuff, if he would look at any of it or just bring it to the dumpster at work. And realized that it doesn't matter. What the hell do I have it all here for? Time to go...
Donna, I wouldnt throw all of that away. Throwing them away doenst mean IMO that you are "free" of whatever held you stuck and made you suffer. Keeping things like that, in my eyes, shows strength and power. Because, no matter what happened, those years WERE real and meant so much to all of you. The dream was so symbolic though, like a closure dream. How are you doing? K
