Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[Lucky11too]

That's a good idea. I need to think about me and my goals again. While I would like to get out on my own (with S), I will need to save up enough money first for a downpayment on a place (I'm thinking condo or townhome which will be more managable for just S and me). So at least for the foreseeable future, I will still be living at my parents(this is a slow process as it is hard to save when I am the only one supporting S, but every little bit I can do will help). But in the meantime, I definitely want to make my current living area as nice as possible. I had never done much to S's room (besides some removable stickers that went with his classic pooh nursery theme), but I think this month I'm going to redo his room - paint it, make it a cars theme, and just make it a big boy room. Then later this fall, I want to try to get to my room. It has this awful wallpaper in there and the bedding set is just not me, so I I think those are smallish things I can change to make it feel more like my space. I had not done anything before b/c I honestly thought I would be back with H by now, but it's becoming more and more evident that this will probably not happen.

So newest events, H called me last night. Yesterday was the day they were going to see how likely getting the new bar was. It looks like it is moving forward, which is great news for H (and possibly us - he always said he would not work out things with me until he was making his own money to support us. I always said it didn't matter b/c as a couple we could work thru it together.) Anyways, he calls to say since we are still married, I'll have to sign off on the paperwork too. haha. This is great! I won't sabotage it b/c I love my FIL too much, but I did think it was interesting. Plus now if we D, I'll have 50% of H's share in the business too to take claim too. I love it when the law works in your favor. =P

I'm still feeling very frustrated with myself for letting H get to me tho. I felt like I was so strong last week, but now I'm feeling kind of like an emotional mess again. I just don't know how to get thru to him! Nothing seems to be working! I know he doesn't want to let me go but is it b/c he really does care about me or is it just a control issue? Part of me wants to just give a final ultimatim saying no OW or I'm filing b/c I'm sick and tired of dealing with this and the emotions that go with it, but another part of me doesn't feel like I'm done yet. There is still that potential, you know? H is going to the ENT dr today to get his sleep study set up. Tomorrow he is going back to his main dr, for I'm not exactly sure what (his mom told me he was going), but he keeps talking about just not feeling right and wanting to get fixed. He even said a few weeks ago how he would be willing to take meds just to feel better. These are all small steps for H and reasons for hope. But my biggest fallacy is that I'm assuming his actions are caused by his messed up brain (maybe or maybe not), so I'm still having to take a gamble that any of these steps matter anyway. Arrgg. I just want to be done with this. I want H to want to be a family. I want to just put this terrible phase of life behind us and know that we conquered this and can conquer anything. But then I still have other people in my ear saying "once a cheater, always a cheater". Makes me wonder if anything will ever truely change... =/