I feel like I went through pain/despair, then anger, then either acceptance or withdrawal about his actions with his coworker. But I did that all alone, and he didn't know about it. And now that he's here, I think he should see what he did! But when we're together, I forget about it all.
So, in therapy.
Well, WH came over last night, and on time! And guess what? This is especially for NM-- he grew a beard!! Since he didn't shave for 10 days, it grew out more than in the past. And maybe because he's almost 30, for some reason it grew in thick. Previously it grew in uneven with lots of bald patches. But this is full coverage!
He asked a couple of times if I liked it and I said YES! I also said that I was just telling a friend that I liked guys with facial hair. Ha ha!
It was a pretty good visit. I told him about little girl and he told me all about the trip. He said for the first time he felt 'happy' when he was there-- the first time since Christmas. (Apparently, he laughed really hard with some friends on this trip. And he said the last time he laughed that hard was with my brother at Christmastime.)
He said I would have liked the lodge and he could picture me and little girl there. He also kind of said he wanted to move there to be near mountains. Sure, but don't start the "where do I want to live? Mountains, city, ocean, plains..." stuff which is when he doesn't know who he is!
All right, enough detail.
Bottom line is that:
1) I may have come off as not wanting to be with him. I talked about myself in the singular (with little girl). I said that she and I wouldn't be living in this city forever. He was surprised by that. And then I said something else referring to myself individually.. . can't remember what. I didn't mean to exclude him, just that we haven't really dealt with anything yet, so I'm not ready to include him. But he may have gotten the wrong message. Because
2) At the end he said he wanted to give me a hug. His hug was restrained. I was a lot more giving, but then I withdrew when I felt his resistance. Not sure why he was like that. He was also crying.
We need to get into therapy so we can communicate fully.
The one bad part of the night is that I felt like he did all the talking and wasn't interested in listening to me. We can work on it, of course, but I felt it.
So... my friend is coming into town on Wednesday, so I might not see WH again until Friday. He'll probably be with little girl as my friend and I go out.
