Ominus Bonus

[steady]

I heard this at the end of a movie named Separation City last night. I thought it was fitting for here:

Love is a moving sea.
There are times when the tide goes out, leaving you stranded.
Then you have to be strong and patient,
And wait for the moon and the stars to work their magic again.

Brought a tear to my eye.

[steady]

My L set up a 4 way meeting with my W and her lawyer, me and my lawyer. It's to try to come up with some agreement before we go to court on Thursday - I'm contesting her grounds for D (NY is a grounds state, but they just passed a law to make it the last state to adopt a no-fault; just hasn't been signed by the Governor) It's Monday at 10am. This should be interesting. Not sure what his game plan is but I guess I'll find out on Mon.

[steady]

The four way meeting was a waste of time. My L is baffled as to why it even occurred. It turned out it was initiated by my W and her lawyer. I thought perhaps their positions had changed, but that wasn't the case.

Same old record of her wanting to take control of the kids and basically leave me with nothing except every other weekend and two after school till bedtime evenings. No way.

[steady]

Recap of everything:

lol citygirl. I can't believe he actually took that deal. But good for you. I never even thought about the cruel and inhumane angle with an A.

My W told me she wanted a D in Jan 09. We lived together in the house back then. She thought I would just roll over, give her the house, the kids, my money, and walk away from 65k that I walked into the house with. Before I saw a L I figured that's how it was going to go. After that L meeting... everything changed.

She caught me taping her (I was doing what my L advised) and tried to get restraining order. After the 3rd trip to court she withdrew it. It was weak and full of lies and my L and I were confident it would be dismissed.

Went into a Psychological Analysis for custody of our 2 kids (D4, S7). She thought she'd walk out of there with the kids. Sorry, didn't turn out that way. I got 50% of their awake time, full 50% summers and school holiday breaks. She didn't like this at all. The report really slammed her too - drinking dependency, she can do no wrong and I can do no right viewpoint, blames other people for her problems, will have a problem co-parenting, to name a few.

Came up with temp 50/50 custody with the psychologist. A week before we were going to start, we get into an argument, she's punching me in the back, I threaten to call the police, she calls them.

She refuses to implement the temp custody plan. I press the issue and basically force it. Told her I won't leave the house at all. We rotate in and out of the house while the kids stay put. This has been going on since Jan.

She closes our joint account where both our checks went and takes the money. I force her to put her name on all house utilities that had only my name - told her I would just cancel them...oil, phone, cable, garbage p/u, etc.

She tries to get me to pay 60/40 split on all bills. I set it up so she pays the diff in our income first, then when monthly $ are even I do 50/50. She is livid...and still is. I won't let her bankrupt me.

She gets fed up it's taking so long. In June she attempts another restraining order based on the Jan incident with the police. She lies in her affidavit. She shows up without counsel. My lawyer gets the OP changed to reflect us continuing to do our current schedule. Now it's on paper.

She serves me D papers. I counter with a motion to dismiss. My L told me her divorce papers (cruel and inhumane) are the weakest he's ever seen. She has stuff in there that has nothing to do with any grounds. Again more lies and fabrications that can be dis-proven with solid evidence and testimony from our MC.

She requested a 4 way conference, I thought maybe she had changed her stance on custody. L and I show up this morning and wasted our time. It was ridiculous. We left and my L said he doesn't have any idea what they're doing. The deadline for them to respond to his motions on the D and the OP have passed a few weeks ago.

I took the firm stance early. Took me a while to really dig in for the fight, but I've hardened up enough to really only think with my head. My heart's out of the pic.

She keeps pulling the trigger with short sighted moves and it's boxing her into a corner. Thu we go to court on the motion to dismiss the D action. I have my reasons I want it denied.

If we take it all the way through the courts I'm looking at another 9 to 18 months.

I have my kids..that's all that matters to me. Everything else is peripheral.

[CD Bear]

Hey, Steady.
Well, I'm gonna have to watch you more closely as my sitch will very likely follow yours.

Once W gets told in mediation that my proposal (all legally entitled) is that rather than clearing the debts and splitting the home assets, I take the top 94K and the remaining debts are split, I'm guessing reconciliation and her "friends act" will disappear.

So instead of being about 30K black, she'll "get the D she wants" plus 24K in the red.

I'm also thinking OM (who took 16K in debt out of guilt) is gonna see Sugar Momma" in a whole new light. A single mom, 6 years his senior AND a debt will take the shine off.

ANd I'm sure she'll try all sorts of crap and lies to make my position look weak. She'll attack on custody. "Mom's are best"
But there are WALLS of books showung that, for D's under 8, the absence of the FATHER is a greater disadvantage. PLus, I have ton's of witnesses to my parenting skills and stability.

But we're likely gonna have to go through the entire exercise in futility.

Wost thing she could attempt is to try to engage lawyers to eat my momey. the old "If I can't have it you can't either"

Ooh. Fun times ahead.

The irony is that the stuff posted on my thread in the last few days has really changed my attitude.

The thing about "Love without Expectation/Remove your needs from the Equation" actually required I sit for a minute. I'm officially FEELING like I'm getting somewhere now.

[steady]

Hey, Steady.
Well, I'm gonna have to watch you more closely as my sitch will very likely follow yours.

Once W gets told in mediation that my proposal (all legally entitled) is that rather than clearing the debts and splitting the home assets, I take the top 94K and the remaining debts are split, I'm guessing reconciliation and her "friends act" will disappear.

So instead of being about 30K black, she'll "get the D she wants" plus 24K in the red.

When my W and I moved up here we had around 130k from our last house. Her brother has money (works in finance) and so do her parents. They told my W they would help us buy a house up here and do it in a way that our mortgage would be around the same amount we had in Virginia.

They wrote gift checks out to my kids, me and my W. They ended up gifting 33k to me and the rest were gifted around to my kids and W. A year ago I was willing to just walk away from the gift money. I still cared what my W and her family thought of me. Thinking with my heart. After she pulled her stunt calling the police in January and sitting on the couch huddled up with my kids that really snuffed out a lot of the remaining embers I had to continue to be nice about these issues.

The lies and fabrications that were in the order of protection and the D papers completed the extinguish. When I told her that night "You're going to pay" I was referring to these issues. Up until that point I was playing soft-ball legally and was still willing to let go of things I was legally 'entitled' to.

The gift money came up in our meeting yesterday and my L said I would take the gift money credit and my W would take hers. She looked at my L and said, "Is he going to take the gift money? He told me he wasn't going to because he knew it was my brother's money and it was given so we can buy the house." She was pissed.

The really cool thing about yesterday is I could see her attacks and attempts at manipulation. Everything that came out of her mouth had an element of attacking me. She caught herself at one point saying, "My house" and quickly changed it to our. It's amazing what you can see when you don't get caught up in the emotions of the moment.

She thought she was going to get the kids. That didn't work out - we're doing a 50/50 split right now and she can't stand it. She thought she was going to take the gift money. That's not going to work out. She thought she was going to get a restraining order two times, so far that hasn't worked out. She actually thought I was going to walk away from my house, walk away from the time with my kids, giver her my money. She said at one point she thought I would be out by Easter of 2009.

One of my W's problems is she can't stand it when things are not done her way. She can't stand it when things don't go her way. She can't handle stress. She's had chronic anxiety since she was a kid. The pressure is mounting and I think at some point she's going to blow a gasket. All the moves she has made have been short-sighted and done from an emotional knee-jerk response.

We put a motion in to dismiss her D filing and I would love to see that happen.

I'm also thinking OM (who took 16K in debt out of guilt) is gonna see Sugar Momma" in a whole new light. A single mom, 6 years his senior AND a debt will take the shine off.

Yeah. The old collapse of the fantasy life. I once told my W she was chasing a rainbow.

And I'm sure she'll try all sorts of crap and lies to make my position look weak. She'll attack on custody. "Mom's are best"
But there are WALLS of books showing that, for D's under 8, the absence of the FATHER is a greater disadvantage. Plus, I have ton's of witnesses to my parenting skills and stability.

I can pretty much guarantee it. Just look at her past behavior. My W's actually keeps getting worse as time goes on and she doesn't get what she wants. In the psych report he said my W will not make a good co-parent because of her belief she can do no wrong and I can do no right. He wrote that I will make a good co-parent because I understand people will have different styles of parenting.

All I can tell you is take good notes. I wrote down every time I was with the kids and what we did. I basically covered a few items in my journal - my W's drinking, any out of the ordinary interactions, things that were said between us that might pertain to our sitch or the kids, when I was with the kids both with my W and alone. I detailed what we did when the four of us were together.

But we're likely gonna have to go through the entire exercise in futility.

Do you know where your W stands on physical custody?

Worst thing she could attempt is to try to engage lawyers to eat my money. the old "If I can't have it you can't either"

I asked my W on Sat if she was aware of the conference set for Mon. She said she initiated it. She told me she thought the lawyers were milking us monetarily. I told her I didn't agree. I said my L has actually been very good to me.

After I left I realized she's the one wasting our money. Just the two attempts at a restraining order has cost me close to $8,000. Plus an additional $2400 I had to pay for my percentage of the Psych analysis.

Ooh. Fun times ahead.

I've kind of gotten numb to the legal stuff now. I have been getting a lot better at separating that from my life with the kids and alone.

The irony is that the stuff posted on my thread in the last few days has really changed my attitude.

Believe me, it's helped me tremendously. I have a few threads I follow and I continue to learn new stuff and have some things I already learned brought back into the forefront. This place and the people in it are awesome. I have no idea where I'd be right now without it. Certainly no where near as well as I am.

The thing about "Love without Expectation/Remove your needs from the Equation" actually required I sit for a minute. I'm officially FEELING like I'm getting somewhere now.

I'll have to thin about that myself. I've worked very hard at keeping the expectations out by not trying to mind read and predict the future. When I just follow the bouncing ball life seems to lead me to really nice places.

[steady]

I went to the Rite Aid to pick up some nicotine gum. I've seen the woman behind the counter a number of times. I did the usual greeting and asked her how she was. She told me she's counting the days down to her last day. She said she was moving.

She told me she was moving back to her home town here in NY. She said she just got back together with her ex husband. I asked her how long she separated. She told me 23 years. I laughed.

She said she's stayed in touch with him over the years because of the kids and he's been sober for 19 years. She went into some more details. She never followed through with the D - I laughed and said, so you're still married. I suggested they get remarried because it's a whole new thing. She said they are planning on doing that.

I wished her luck and left. As soon as I came out the front door I started to think - did life just give me a piece of something? Of course I then had the thought - I can interpret anything in many different ways. Didn't give it much thought after that.

I love life. And I mean life in an over-compassing sense. Not just my life. Which I really do love too in spite of some of the circumstances I find myself in.

[Truegritter]

Steady

I'll catch up on your sitch and start posting to you.

[Truegritter]

Steady

Hey man read through your thread.

I really appreciated what you had to say over on CD's thread.

I very much agree with your points.

This is a painful process but

we do learn some amazing things along the way...

[steady]

Nothing much going on. I stayed up way late on Monday night typing a response up to my W's response to my motion to dismiss her Divorce complaint.

It's funny how this works. She files for D, we put a motion in to dismiss, the counter motion, then we get to respond. Then it's done - the judge takes it all and makes a ruling.

I had the kids all day yesterday and our plans kept getting changed up. We ended up going to a local restaurant for lunch and then took a ride over to a bridge that was restored and turned into a walking bridge. It used to be an old railroad bridge that's been out of commission - it spans the Hudson River. They fixed it up and now you can walk or bike across it now. It's a little over a mile long.

It was really hot and humid so we didn't walk much. After that I dropped the kids off at my brothers house. I had an appointment with a lawyer to draw up a will.

I went to my brothers and played with my kids for a little while then took them back to my house to hand them off to Kathy. As we were leaving my D said she wanted to stay with Aunt ---- (SIL). It was very cute. She's been in this groove where she always wants mommy so it's nice to see when she reaches out in a different direction.

Later on in the evening W sent me a text telling me D asked if she could sleep over my brother's house with my S and I tonight. We split the kids every Wed so one Wed I'm in my house with my S and the other Wed. I'm at my brother's with my S. So I sent a text back saying that would be good. So I'll have them both tonight.