Seperated But Living Together

[2gthrButApart]

I'm still resentful. I feel as though why the H**l should I try to wait out his MLC while he's off having a new life. What makes him better than me? What makes him think this is all in his control. He can't do whatever he wants 1,2,5 yrs and think it'll all be ok if he changes his mind.

I know he won't change his mind anyway bc he'd rather be right than to be happy!

[warriorshadow]

2g,
I know it is tough and if you are resentful that is understandable.
If you would not be, you probably would not be human.
I am so sorry that you are going through all of this.
Having a baby on the way must be very difficult.
The detach thing is very important for your own sanity.
You need to be the strong mom that is deep inside you.
You need to be there for your kids.
How your husband could be happy is beyond comprehension but
do not assist him in any way to sign papers or email or whatever.
His response says he is in confusion. Let him stay in confusion.
Are you happy when you are confused?
Seems like he is going to spin and spin for a while.
The more interaction you have with him, the more you are going to
get hurt with his venom. Keep reading. Hang in there.
You will get stronger the more you detach.
You will need this strength no matter which way your H goes.
There are lots of people on this board going through this with their spouses. Nobody is saying that this is an easy thing to
go through. Keep posting. Let us know how you are doing.
Don't worry about a running MLC'r. I keep reading that their new life they are chasing is not all that is cracked up to be. I see
that in my wife as well. You will see proof of that when you start to detach more.

[punkin]

Just a little story --
When my youngest was 6 months old, my XH took off with a bar fly and never looked back. It was the beginning of Winter, the economy was in a recession, I didn't have a job and 4 kids to feed. FOCUS ON YOUR BABY. That got me through. I got a job, and the rest just worked itself out.

Plus, focusing on the kids doesn't give you as much time to worry about MLC'r. They need you, he needs a therapist.

[Truegritter]

I feel as though why the H**l should I try to wait out his MLC while he's off having a new life.

No one is saying you have to. Your choice.

What makes him better than me?

Nothing only your own perception.

Would you feel better if you were having an affair and leaving your kids?

You need to find your core and what you believe in

and make decisions from that

Rather than reacting to H.

That is the work we do here.

What makes him think this is all in his control.

Becuase his choices are under his control and the sooner YOU realize that

You will stop feeling like you are a victim of them.

He can't do whatever he wants 1,2,5 yrs and think it'll all be ok if he changes his mind.

Yes he can.

First of all he is not even thinking he's coming back right now so don't think this all planned out

He is in a place you don't want to be

... beleive me.

You can't imagine the pain he is running from.

You control how long you wait and more importantly

WHAT you do with that time for YOU.

[seeking answers]

2,

The sooner you understand and accept what Grit is saying to you, the clearer your own path becomes.

[ericmsant2]

2G

I am sorry to say that your H cannot wait out the MLC. Right now YOU need to begin to understand that he is totally f'up in the head. He is acting selfishly and this may continue for a long time so YOU really need to begin to think about YOU and YOUR children.

He is confused, yes BUT do not push him just go about and do what you want to do. He should be a part of the childrens live's but you need to separate YOU from the R he has between him and your children.

The sooner you begin to understand this the sooner your healing will come.

You have been DB'ing for 2 years now and I know you want to quit. You can. Just not on yourself. If quiting means that you let your H go by all means quit. If quiting means that you will give up on finding and owning YOUR happiness then do not quit. Or better yet..don't quit today. We can talk about you quiting tomorrow just not today.

Okay?

Eric

[2gthrButApart]

I haven't been the best DBer I have a terrible temper which always sets back my DB efforts A LOT. I don't know if there's any hope to DB. Before I had slight hope with ILYBNILWY, now it's " I don't want you, or anything to do with you at all!"

I found out today this baby is another girl. and I feel stupid b/c I was sad when I found out. I wanted a boy, this is my last chance. I don't want different dads for my kids, so this was my last shot. I was also hoping I could give my H his boy, b/c I just KNOW he'll meet someone and get his little boy, and that's a bond no one can ever come between. I wanted that for US. But now even that hope is gone. We swore this was a boy b/c the pregnancy is so different from both girls. But we were wrong. And my last little chance of hope is out the window. I thought perhaps it could possibly bring us a little closer. But I guess God has other plans.

I've prayed so much in 2 years and everything gets worse.

Should I "believe" in hope, should I DB from scratch 100%?? I just don't know what the possibility is. Before he said we had about a 1% chance, that's when he was still home. Now he's 2 hrs away. How do you know when there's absolutely no shot at reconciling?

I know I need to control my temper, and my outbursts, not just for the "M", But how much can it really help now, 2 years of messing it all up.

[seeking answers]

2,

You're messing it up because you won't take the focus off of your H and put it where it belongs, on you. That is where it has to start. If all you're doing is thinking about your H and what he thinks or how he'll react, then where's the time for you?

This is your choice. You can work on you and possibly have a chance of saving your M or you can continue as you have been and destroy all possibility, because the only thing you're doing is pushing him further away at this point.

Honey, please don't get me wrong. I'm not saying your H's MLC is your fault, it is not, and it's not about you. You didn't break him and you can't fix him. Just let him go and let God watch out for him.

However, you recognize your role in the breakdown of your M. You see the things you must change. Change them for yourself. These changes aren't a trick or ruse to bring your H back, they're for you. Be the change you want to see.

Please realize there is still joy and happiness to be had in your life, with or without your H.

Only way to get to it is through it.

You can do this 2, for yourself, and your precious children.

(((Hugs)))

[2gthrButApart]

In regards to DB.....I set goals, and have reached some at some point, but then eventually H says "I don't want to be with you, you think just b/c I'm being nice everything is ok, and we'll fix things. I don't want to fix anything with you, we will never be together, I'm filing the papers whether you like it or not, to prove to you I'm done, and I'm not leading you on when I'm nice"

He says he doesn't compliment me b/c then I think he wants to be with me and we are ok, and will work things out.

So are the goals even worth setting, since they end up hurting me when I'm rejected all over again?

[Truegritter]

I would suggest changing your definition of success...

Start with:

Success is making myself healthy so I can create a loving and healthy environment for my girls...

ALL of them.

Just a suggestion...

Drop any defination that has H in it AT ALL.

You can't control him like you can't control the sex of your baby.

Set your sites on the things you can control ...

YOU.

Let go of EVERYTHING else.

And

Keep hope for what you want to hope for.