I completely agree that marital drift happens. It's especially prevelant when a child comes along. You stop doing the things that made you a couple and you begin to lose the spouse/lover roll. CD it sounds like a lot of your issues and the gasoline and fire effect of yours and your W's issues colliding is very similar to my situation.
I think most people bail on the 'for worse' part. I was one who did see it possibly coming at some point. I had been through enough R and also watched those around me to realistically know that problems, sometimes big problems, often arise (I got M when I was 36). I remember before I got married I told my W that one of the things I really liked about us getting M is that we can work through any problems that arise. We were like that and I believed in it.
Of all the people I've talked to who initiated a D (mostly women) they pretty much went through the same pattern. Marital drift that slowly eroded the bonds that hold a couple together as a couple. How many people actually keep their eye on the ball?
I certainly didn't. But there was a whole string of intertwining things that eroded my R with my W. Many of them were issues we each brought into the M and not things that were created by our R.
The saddest part for me is I used to be very awake. I lost my center and the path I was on not long after I got M.
The even saddest part is when you hit a really low bottom in an R and you work your way back out, the height of how high you can bring it is often way past either persons expectations. I've heard this from many people who reconciled their M after some major obstacles - including affairs, alcoholism, abuse, etc...
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Hey CD, I see your on now so lets do a little Q and A if we can. I went back and reread some of your thread. But I have been following since you came to infidelity mid June so I know the story.
I picked out of your post earlier with the email from your W.
"You don't talk normally to each other"
What would be normal to her?
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
The even saddest part is when you hit a really low bottom in an R and you work your way back out, the height of how high you can bring it is often way past either persons expectations. I've heard this from many people who reconciled their M after some major obstacles - including affairs..
This bothers me most of all. Knowing that, with what I have read and now understand, my M could be rebuild unbelievably better than it was. In fact, even better than it was when it began....if only SHE could see that. But you have to stop running first.
...there was a whole string of intertwining things that eroded my R with my W. Many of them were issues we each brought into the M and not things that were created by our R.
Amen, brother! Again, now that I know how to find them, WE could find them and rebuild better and stronger and happier. But......
You have to rebuild you stronger and independent of her. You have to find what makes you happy again.
Do you remember yourself before your first marriage. What dreams did you have for yourself......jump out of airplanes, make a million dollars, lay on the beach and do nothing all day (oops thats one of mine) What are CD's dreams?
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
My situation was a bit different... in NY, a sexual R outside of marriage *is* considered cruel and inhumane. But yes, you are correct, to file under adultery you need to have tangible proof or a 3rd party witness say they observed the spouse and OP having sex.
I asked my H for a separation, he said no and hired a snake of an attny. Our litigation went on for 18 months. Once my H figured out I was not going to back down or roll over and I would not accept the BS settlement things changed. I countered his suit w/cruel and inhumane treatment and in my supporting statement (which you have to include when you file or counter) I spelled out EXACTY what was cruel and inhumane.
The judge set the trial date and the night before the trial, it was requested by my H and his counsel we legally separated. I said no, sorry, too little too late. They knew what would come out and then my H had *little* chance to get even a fraction of what he thought he would get.
I agreed to the separation THREE hours before the trial if my H granted me 80% of our liquid assets, had to pay me the cash value of our vehicle at the time of purchase, pay off all the debt (which was his from OW anyhow), pay my health insurance and spousal maintenance, remain the sole beneficiary of all his insurance/retirement/investment accounts, I kept the marriage residence and all our furniture and he had to pay ALL my legal fees. The fool agreed so I took it and ran. I guess he had to decide what was more important... lost money or a trial that spelled out exactly what had been going on for 2.5 years in his bedroom. That wasn't my doing, it was what the judge said when he dicked around with a settlement for nearly two years.
My offer was so ridiculous my attny said if I somehow got my H to agree I was nothing short of a genius. No, I am not a genius I just played my cards in the best way I knew how. He had the option to separate "easily" in 2008 and to please his GF he said no. Funny how 18 months later he couldn't separate fast enough.
He narrowed his options, not me. I just used his lack of good judgement in my favor.
I had my little affordable house. My "toy" car and a garage to put it in A decent job that I didn't mind doing. I had time for my family and friends Played hockey all winter Pilot's Licence I had a studio in the basement for my drums.
And I'd all but 'written off' the idea of a wife and kids.
8 months after my 40th B'day, there she was....
So "seeing the target" is pretty easy. I am aiming to get back to "there"
Just going to be smarter and stronger....and far more self-aware.
All I was missing was THE Lotto ticket and I was there
Ha! Yes, I made out okay but I can honestly say the mental anguish I had to experience during 18 months of litigation can never be compensated. I honestly thought about killing myself because it was very bad. I know NY designed the laws to make dissolving a marriage difficult but really, I would not wish it on anybody.
I know everybody thinks I am sort of crazy hardass (I am totally crazy, btw but that is why I say with great passion do not allow yourself to get tangled up in so much litigation like I did. Take a firm stance early. I was scared, sick, confused and overwhelmed and I handled it ALL wrong for a long time. Had I put all that fear away and listened to the people that I should have been listening to early on, well, maybe I could have avoided all that. But I kept taking all the BS because I didn't know how else to deal with it. Then one day something inside of me just *happened* and I knew I had enough.
Like Chris Rock says... I am not going to live with my Mama just because you aren't in love! I worked damn hard for our decade long marriage and wasn't about to take an [censored] deal just to end the hard stuff.
but that is why I say with great passion do not allow yourself to get tangled up in so much litigation like I did. Take a firm stance early. I was scared, sick, confused and overwhelmed and I handled it ALL wrong for a long time. Had I put all that fear away and listened to the people that I should have been listening to early on, well, maybe I could have avoided all that. But I kept taking all the BS because I didn't know how else to deal with it. Then one day something inside of me just *happened* and I knew I had enough.