NB, good job on taking that first step in removing yourself from the negative environment. I know this is hard and I know you feel like he will blame you but that's not true. Has he even once since all of this started come to you and said 'how can we fix our marriage? our committment to eachother?', what steps did he take to fix his issues?
No, he hasn't. It's not only the blame, but guess it's more sadness/fear of giving up the "idea" of the good times we could have (and the good, happy times I know we've had in the past) living together, if I move out. Granted, the last few months or so haven't been so fun, but we have our moments. I also haven't heard him invite me to move with him when we need to move out of here, so I guess it's a question of when, not if I move. I don't think I'll be ready for it no matter how long I wait. But I hate being the one who makes the decision on when to leave, even if I didn't decide the whether to live separately part. It seems like I'm giving up when I said I wouldn't, and I don't know how to deal with that.
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Anyway, it's pretty normal to feel uneasy about a big decision like this but you made the best decision possible based on your best knowledge and intentions. Your other option was really just to prolong the status quo- not very attractive. You're now getting out of the 'reactive' mode. From now on you will do things that are important to you and DD. This is a turning point in your life.
Yeah, I guess I'm reluctant to give up the status quo, esp since I don't have to move for several months. I have ALWAYS been the kind of person who'd stay in a not so great situation- or even a bad one- because it's a known quantity and I don't like change. I've done this with jobs, e.g. It seems safer and it's hard to know whether I'll be happier in a new setting until I get there.
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How long is the lease? one year goes by fast and next year you can get a different place if you find something better...point is you can't let your life go by waiting for that perfect 'something' you have to act and cease the opportunity. Doing 80% is better than doing 0% in my book.
I could do 7-12 months but 7 months probably goes by fast and they could raise my rent after that, so I'm considering 12. Heh, well you're talking to someone who does make sure I have done ALL the research possible and for whom it's hard to make big decisions. And since I wasn't planning on deciding this the day I did, I think I've scared myself- it feels impulsive to me, which usually in my mind = bad and not thought out properly = scary and unsafe.
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PS. If he blames you for one more thing you tell him "Yes I've heard you, that everything is my fault. Well I have been doing some thinking about that and I have decided I don't want to reconcile or be with someone who isn't 100% sure they want me and I don't think it is a good idea for me to be with someone who says something is missing. It isn't going to work for me. I didn't force you to marry me and I will NOT force you to stay with me or love me. I think this is for the best. Anyway, I need to go."
I don't know if anyone else is feeling like this, but I have a problem with the "you're right, we're not meant to be together" line and mentality as an LBS. To me that goes against my wish to have done everything I could to keep us together so I don't have any regrets later. It may not make sense, but I want to be the one who goes down fighting and never gives up, even though I kind of am starting to already and I know to hope for something that's really unlikely won't help me either. Admitting he's "right" goes against that, even though part of me is starting to agree with him. But I kind of like the attitude in your suggestion :-).
The other dangerous thing is that his beliefs about me are slowly starting to be absorbed by me. Part of me knows it is NOT all my fault and that I could bust my butt and it would never be enough to keep us together and happy; that I HAVE done a tremendous amount of work on myself and our R and he has not. I am not a quitter- sometimes to the detriment of my emotional well-being. The other part is questioning- what if I didn't do enough? What if there was still something I could do to turn this around? What if he's right and all my R's will be screwed up b/c of the way I am? Dangerous b/c I know in my brain these things aren't true, this fantasy he's concocted... and yet, part of me is starting to believe it the more I hear. So living apart could help (not sure- still have to see/interact with him) with that.
