Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[Lucky11too]

Interest/weird text last night from H. This was after I had gone to sleep so I didn't see it until this morning, but it said "this sucks, I'm sexually frustrated. And you hate my life and my old phone is dead" (phone reference to pics that I had sent him back in the day that were on his old phone). Two things. 1) Since we were intimate up until this finally blow out, I think that loss is finally setting in. No me in his life means no me in his life in every way! 2) What does "you hate my life" mean? I hate the R and the stupid decisions he's making with OW3. I'm not sure if he gets that and is just saying it funny or is he totally missing the point??? I don't know. Any insight? But still no response from me of course...

[awest1217]

He could just be trying to get you to respond so I would just keep not saying anything. I guess it is good that he is sexually frustrated because at least you know OW3 is not a PA. Do what you feel is best.

[Lucky11too]

Yeah, I don't see H being the PA type, but I've been completely naive about him before, so you never know. But at least in this case, that is a good sign. I'm still trying to figure out if I should even respond some time today. If he's just trying to get a response out of me, then I definitely want to remain silent, but if he really doesn't get it, then I want to make sure I'm completely clear about what my boundary (aka ultimatum) is. It has nothing to do with the life he has chosen - it's not ideal obviously working at a bar, but we can work with it - but when he's using his job as an excuse to get away with inappropriate actions, that's the problem. Grr. I don't know where his brain is at, but I think I've been clear, so I guess I'll just remain silent. If the opportunity comes up again to clarify, then I will. I even have a great response text set up just in case. haha. Even if I respond on this point, I am completely still holding to my no OW or no me boundary! No ifs, ands, or buts - I'm strong on this point! (but if we ever get to that point, that will be a whole other hurdle - attempting to build trust again! Blah. What a long road! =/)

[Lucky11too]

H texted me tonight to say "plan on me picking up S after church on Sunday". It broke my heart b/c this is what it is coming down to and what I have to get used to. I don't want to ever miss a minute with S and already miss so much b/c I work full time. And now, to have to share him with H too, just makes me so sad. But I sucked it up as this is the reality now, and just said ok and to text me when he's on his way that day (this is my first text to him all week since it was finally about S. I'm very proud of myself for sticking with it!). Given H's track record tho, I may not even have to worry about it since he always seems to "oversleep", but we'll see. I'm glad he's taking him after church too, but really, it's not like he even gets up before we get home anyways. It's all still a bit lonely, but I'm dealing with it. It's definitely better than the alternative of being in a R that's a lie with H cheating on me.

[awest1217]

I agree it is better than living a lie. One positive is that H will have to work on Sunday night right? So he won't have S for very long and during the time he has S, S will have to take his nap so how much time are you actually missing with him? Not much. That is how I get over S being with H.

Also remember you have every right to tell H no even about S. He isn't paying child support and hasn't really been around so if you don't want S to go you don't have to let him go if you already have something planned.

Lastly, think of this as not time away from S, but time for you to relax. Take a long bath or do something you normally can't do with S around. Today I was going to trim the bushes, but it looks like rain all day so maybe cleaning the windows, then going to go shopping, and then the concert. The concert S would love, but when I am cleaning or trimming I can't really spend time with S anyway so it helps me out, and shopping sometimes is nice to do without S because he is getting to that age.

I guess I am trying to brighten your day and to help you see the silver lining. This completely stinks, but H could be using time away from S to get to you too so just take it in stride. It is just one afternoon, not a whole weekend, just some good daddy/son bonding time, which every S needs. Let S decide one day if he doesn't want anything to do with H, but like I said about my dad who died, he abused my mom physically, sexually, and emotionally. I would yell at him and make him stop at a very young age (5 and 6), but I still love him very much although he was a monster because he loved me and treated me like a princess so although H is a horrible H, maybe he can treat S better.

Have a good weekend and I hope you take the time to relax and not worry because the time flies by before you know it S will be back with you.

[Lucky11too]

So I definitely called it. H "overslept" on Sunday, but still came down briefly to see S before he took his nap. I'm thinking that when he said that he'll be picking him up, I think he really meant just oome over and see him b/c honestly, he has no idea what to do with S at this stage. So no time to myself, but no having to give up S either.

So I failed miserably yesterday, but I just have to pick myself up and keep going again. When H first came over, it was definitely a little ackward. I was feeding S lunch, so I opened the door for H, he said hi and walked right past me to S. He was all lovey and happy with S, but it was just kind of weird with us. S was supposed to go down for his nap right after lunch, but he was happy to see H, so I let him stay up for a bit. S started playing with his toys and H and I are just talking for a bit and then things just started to heat up. H comes over and just starts kissing me passionately. Given my current strategy, I should have just pulled back, but i didn't, and honestly, I didn't want to. We finally got S down and then things started to heat up more. I'm obviously a little mad at myself for not being stronger against him, but it's definitely hard when I'm as attracted to him as he is to me. On the other hand, it's also good for H to remember what he has so he can realize what he's going to lose. We also talked alot. It's hard to know what is real and what is fluff, but he once again talked as if everything would work out. He talked too about how much he just likes being with me, but then everything else (aka - life!) just gets in the way (hmm, really?). Finally, he talked about how he can't make a committment yet, b/c he needs to figure out what's going on with himself first (he said everything has been on overdrive from his internal anger, ADD, depression). He made an appointment this week to see the ENT dr so that he can get his follow up sleep study done and hopefully get some answers. It's going EXTREMELY slow, but at least he's still moving in a positive direction to try to get help. But my only issue is that you don't have to fully commit to our M again in order to stay faithful now. We still have an inimate R and just like you would in any dating R, you don't have R's with OW too! I think the one thing playing in my benefit tho is that he is so attracted to me and needs me in a lot of ways, so that may be our saving grace to get thru this. Having something to work with is better than having nothing to work with.

I didn't do a lot of talking when H was here, but I was doing a lot of thinking after, and I figured since I already blew it for the day, I might as well send him the text I've been wanting to send him. He mentioned again yesterday how I "don't like his life", so I wanted to set the record straight once and for all. So basically the text went like this. First saying what I liked about his life (his love for his job, his drive to succeed, etc) but then went on to say the one thing I don't like - how he uses his job as an excuse for inappropriate actions. I reminded him again of the pain it causes and why I must stand up so strongly against it. Finally I sandwiched that negative in by referencing the first part of it again as to say the positive, when so often we only talked about the negatives. I was very proud of the text - I thought it was really well written, addressed all the points in a way that I thought wouldn't make him defensive and possibly even make him more sympathetic to my point of view. Unfortunately, I don't know what H thinks still b/c he never responded back to it. Hopefully that's a good thing meaning he took in without having to be defensive and not feeling like he had to lash back out at me.

Overall, I need to get past what happened yesterday and get back on track. I haven't had any desire to look at the phone logs, but I'm sure that I know what's there, given that H hasn't said anything differently. I just want him to understand, but since it's not reversed, he has no idea how it feels, and at some point here, I need to give up trying to convince him. I'll try to be supportive as he continues to get help, but I also need to continue to protect myself as well.

Well, it's a new week and a new start. Let's see what this week holds...

[Lucky11too]

Ok, just got the encouragement I need. I am soooo angry right now! I was feeling weak about H, so I went on to check the phone records to give me the strength to be strong against him...and guess what, he put a password lock on the account!!! Oh, no he didn't! I am fuming now! How dare he?! That just proves more and more that he has something to hide. I just want to go to the L office right now and D this stupid idiot! Ok, I won't, but I just need to vent. I wonder when he did that - I haven't checked since earlier last week. Grr. I don't even know what I'm going to do now, but I am so pissed! What I really want to do is text him and tell him off, but I know I need to cool down b/c I'm very angry. Grr, now I'm even more mad about yesterday and that I sent that text last night...he does not deserve any respect whatsoever! Arrrrgggg!

[awest1217]

I can't respond much right now because S has woken up twice with nightmares, I think, and is drenched in sweat, but i want you to know. Don't sweat it. Now you don't have to worry about looking into it. He doesn't want you to see because he is guilty. Plain and simple. Also don't kick yourself for giving in to him. You just started this new boundary, and how many times have I wavered? Many. I said no contact, but then contacted him or no seeing him and then did. It is so hard to break that tie and you can't do it until you are ready so don't worry about it.

Now really try to just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start again. Make some goals for you. Where would you like to see yourself next year? Not with H or your R, but about just you like will you still be living with your parents? Will you go for your masters? Will you have a new hair style or new dress style? Maybe you will paint your room where you are living? Just focus on you and make goals for you so if H decides to stop being a butt he can join those goals with you or you are already on your way.

Stay strong you are doing everything you can!

[Lucky11too]

That's a good idea. I need to think about me and my goals again. While I would like to get out on my own (with S), I will need to save up enough money first for a downpayment on a place (I'm thinking condo or townhome which will be more managable for just S and me). So at least for the foreseeable future, I will still be living at my parents(this is a slow process as it is hard to save when I am the only one supporting S, but every little bit I can do will help). But in the meantime, I definitely want to make my current living area as nice as possible. I had never done much to S's room (besides some removable stickers that went with his classic pooh nursery theme), but I think this month I'm going to redo his room - paint it, make it a cars theme, and just make it a big boy room. Then later this fall, I want to try to get to my room. It has this awful wallpaper in there and the bedding set is just not me, so I I think those are smallish things I can change to make it feel more like my space. I had not done anything before b/c I honestly thought I would be back with H by now, but it's becoming more and more evident that this will probably not happen.

So newest events, H called me last night. Yesterday was the day they were going to see how likely getting the new bar was. It looks like it is moving forward, which is great news for H (and possibly us - he always said he would not work out things with me until he was making his own money to support us. I always said it didn't matter b/c as a couple we could work thru it together.) Anyways, he calls to say since we are still married, I'll have to sign off on the paperwork too. haha. This is great! I won't sabotage it b/c I love my FIL too much, but I did think it was interesting. Plus now if we D, I'll have 50% of H's share in the business too to take claim too. I love it when the law works in your favor. =P

I'm still feeling very frustrated with myself for letting H get to me tho. I felt like I was so strong last week, but now I'm feeling kind of like an emotional mess again. I just don't know how to get thru to him! Nothing seems to be working! I know he doesn't want to let me go but is it b/c he really does care about me or is it just a control issue? Part of me wants to just give a final ultimatim saying no OW or I'm filing b/c I'm sick and tired of dealing with this and the emotions that go with it, but another part of me doesn't feel like I'm done yet. There is still that potential, you know? H is going to the ENT dr today to get his sleep study set up. Tomorrow he is going back to his main dr, for I'm not exactly sure what (his mom told me he was going), but he keeps talking about just not feeling right and wanting to get fixed. He even said a few weeks ago how he would be willing to take meds just to feel better. These are all small steps for H and reasons for hope. But my biggest fallacy is that I'm assuming his actions are caused by his messed up brain (maybe or maybe not), so I'm still having to take a gamble that any of these steps matter anyway. Arrgg. I just want to be done with this. I want H to want to be a family. I want to just put this terrible phase of life behind us and know that we conquered this and can conquer anything. But then I still have other people in my ear saying "once a cheater, always a cheater". Makes me wonder if anything will ever truely change... =/

[Lucky11too]

I ended up meeting with H today at lunch to sign some paperwork for the new place (the first step is getting the liqour license transferred, so I had to fill out some affadavit as the spouse). I used H's form as my template to fill out and interesting where it asks marital status (single, married, widowed, separated), H checked married. (I was going to check separated, but I didn't want to cause an issue with conflicting forms). He bought me lunch, which is the least he could do, but it was nice. I'm having an internal conflict tho now. As I was leaving, he gave me a hug and said that my back was really tight (which it totally is - it's been giving me a lot of pain recently) and that he would like to give me a backrub Wed or Thurs after he comes to see S. I'm torn b/c I get the benefit of it, so I almost feel silly telling him "no, you can't rub my back and make me feel better), but on the other hand, I don't want to encourage our R, when I believe OW3 is still on the side. I mean, I obviously don't know for sure what the status of the R with OW3 is, but H hasn't said any differently, so I only have to assume that she's still in the picture. I just really feel like I'm not getting thru to him. I end up pretty much having to "ruin" any time together by harping on the OW3 issue. This is a sensitive point for me b/c this is one of the things I did that kind of drove him away in the first place (I did exactly what DB said not to do!). He was hardly home but whenever he was home, I "nagged" that he was never home. It makes it an endless cycle b/c who wants to stay home when all you get is nagging. Kind of the same idea here, but I don't understand why he doesn't understand the issue with OW3 and the pain it causes me! So I don't now, I'm just having trouble figuring out how to handle this. I just know I want to nip this in the butt once and for all!

Last note, H went to the ENT dr today and got approved for the sleep study. He hasn't made the sleep study appt yet but I expect he'll be able to get in within the next week or two. I just really hope some kind of direction comes out of this for him, b/c I'm losing patience!