Hi Shiny! I finally had a chance to do some catching up. Pardon me a second while I say hi to Zoo.
Hi Zoo, I don't know you but I wanted to comment on your mantra. I am a martial artist and here are some things I know about balance:
unbalance is the same as weight.
perfect balance is hardly attainable; it is the struggle for balance that gives it meaning.
So, Shiney, now that I have caught up somewhat I will post some thoughts...first and most important, I agree with everyone that you rock and are inspirational. I think of where we were this time last year and I cannot believe to progress you have made. You have gained so much insight and self confidence that honestly, and I pray it doesn't happen, if CJ fell back into his old habbits you are strong enough to move on. Again, I pray that doesn't happen, but I also pray for your and his happiness.
Regarding the coveted teacher award thing, if it is so subjective and not a true measure of how great you are, why is it so important? Do you have to have it in order to be tenured?
As for asking for a love letter, it might backfire. When Sam and I seemed to be making great progress in our marriage (pre affair discovery, but after affair #1 had started) I asked for a love letter for my birthday. It was very sweet and full of hope and I cherished it. The night I discovered the affairs by locating old emails, I read one where she explained to her lover that she resented me asking for the letter. She said if she wanted to write a letter, she would already have done so. She felt I was fishing for compliments.
On gift giving: I am so far removed the holiday spirit that I feel quite Scroogelike. Like KAW, I haven't any expectations. I am even working the holiday so I can avoid the inlaws who are coming to visit. I am working a night shift again, so I will be able to watch my children have a great time but when the inlaws get on my nerves, it's "...Oh look at the time. I have to sleep before I go in tonight. 'Night all."
I am unable to concentrate on gift giving, but I really like Sage's (she is soooo helpful! Love ya, Sage!) idea: small things that lets him know you care would do the trick, I think. Give small things up until Christmas day, and on Christmas, give him a super duper cookbook (so you'll benefit too!) or something you know he will appreciate. Maybe something that will help with his new job quest. It might show him you believe in his efforts and support him.
On the same old pattern thing: I worry too about Sam falling into the same old patterns. I call her on it. Not to harangue or harrass, but to point out what we, as a couple, are doing. I do this so we can change directions.
And as for decorating, just do it. He will join in I am sure. Go get something new to hang up and let it be a symbol of the newness of the marriage. Then, as a way to solve the other problem of his lack of sexual attention, make sure what you buy requires you to use a ladder to put it up. Have him hold the ladder. Climb the ladder and place your goodies where he cannot miss 'em! I honestly don't understand the lack of desire thing. I'm a 36 year old male and I disagree that the male peak is late teen-early twenties. To me, there is nothing better than that kind of closeness. If God made anything better, he kept it to himself! And if you ever feel you are not sexy enough, just remember that 38s and being petite make any man notice you!
By the way, if you get a chance, go to http://www.lioncastle.com/ and check out the music. The members of this band are all friends of mine and are very talented. They have a song called "Shine." Good stuff.
I hope everyone who reads this thread, and is part of the bb, has a merry and blessed Christmas. Much love to all!
You made my day, Sad! Just a hello would have made me smile, but WHAT a post!
Yes, when I think back a year ago....(where's the "shudder" icon? ).
The teaching award wouldn't bring me any closer to tenure, being a Contact Lecturer, that is beyond my grasp. So it was more a recognition of my 14 years of consistently top notch teaching. The winner does a lecture for peers, gets $2,000, a photo and write up in the University Annual Report.
I know my teaching style doesn't suit everyone, but when my teaching evaluation AVERAGES work out to 9.2-9.9 on all 10 items, in all courses, with about 500 students per year, year after year....
But now it's not about winning, it's about finding out if the process of selection is even valid, reliable or worthy of my continued entries.
Now the Love letter....I agree. I haven't mentioned a thing and I don't think I will. I honestly don't know how I'd feel if CJ asked ME to do that right now.
Plus it would always mean so much more if it were spontaneous...in fact I just had a CHILLING memory.
Just before CJ finally ended it with OW...she made him write her a letter outlining ALL the things that having been with HER had forever spoiled for CJ.
Honestly, I couldn't even get through the thing...I felt sick (yes she so "kindly" send me an e-mail of this, too). In it he wrote about how he could never kiss another without thinking of her lips...how sunsets would never be the same...how the turning of the leaves in the autumn would remind him of....(and lots of sexual references my lovely adaptive brain seems to have repressed)...
He told me that he wrote that major work of "love lettering" under duress....that he didn't mean any of it.
So on second and third thought, the love letter thing is sounding worse and worse for my sitch.
As for your sitch SAD...can you put your finger on why you feel this way? Wanting to hide out (good work schedule for the purpose!) and such over the holidays?
How's your anxiety doing these days?
As for the gift giving...well I actually had to give CJ his main gift last night...(details on the party in my next post ).
I've been trying to think of things that go with his schooling/job search. I did pick up a really nice 2004 daily minder with note pad, phone # section.
I was eye-balling the world globes they had at the same store as CJ has said he'd always wanted one.
Decorating....well CJ was up before me yesterday (surprised?) and worked on the out door icicle lights. All but one small strand are working so we lit them up last night.
I like the idea of getting something new to put up. We really don't do much besides put lights and decorations on the windows and the tree.
Maybe a nice new wreath? Our walls aren't that tall, Sad, would a footstool work?
You wished us all a Merry Christmas...well I hope you swing back on by before then...it's 11 days away!
I don't know what day or time it is...what a weekend!
My niece's afternoon birthday gathering was very nice...her brother J (19) who'd been in Hawaii and wasn't due back until Jan 23 showed up and surprised us.
(I think I might have posted that earlier...sorry folks, I have a few fewer brain cells today than I did yesterday )
Came home, got ready.
Bit of tension as for weeks CJ's been saying stuff like...I hope MJ doesn't expect us to have a party here after the bar...what did you tell her? ....what did you say to H about coming here...
I finally asked him if he'd like me to call them and say flat out there is no chance we're coming back here? He said he wanted to play it by ear...grrrr
So we are 2 hours into the evening at the karaoke bar and he says to me...you can tell MJ we can party at our house later!!! (trust a few beers to make a party look more inviting).
CJ and MJ sang some songs, not me this time. But I danced a lot with the girls and with CJ. We even did some body contact shakin' it to the floor kinda stuff ...It was fun.
CJ's niece was there...the one who does hair...and she's always so supportive of US, she was REALLY shaken up last year. She says to CJ..."look at your wife! she's gorgeous! you guys are perfect together...the way you dance, I'll bet you have amazing sex!".... (Yes she'd had a couple of beers too and had prefaced it with...I know you're my aunt and uncle but...)
WHAT could I say .."Yeah, M, well looks can be deceiving!" I just let the crooning of the current karaoke king catch my attention....
So of course about a dozen of us came back here. CJ played CJ (computer jockey) and we rocked on until....MJ's cab got here around 7:30 a.m.
Now how did CJ come to get his Christmas gift early?
Well we had the tunes cranked so loud that one of my blue vases (a antique one my Mom gave me ) bounced to the edge of the speaker and dropped off...along with a few other items. The vase shattered into CJ's comforter which was lying folded there.
This comforter is at least 13 years old. The last time I washed it I saw that it was literally falling apart. CJ starts most nights out on the couch. His snoring is such that I cannot sleep in bed if he's already there...but he can sneak in later once I'm out.
So I searched and found a beautiful soft-touch queen size, the same red as CJ's wall!. So when he said he'd just use my little blankets (you know the fleece throws that are barely 5 feet long?) I said, no, I'd give him his gift.
So I set it all up and put him to bed and he says he loves it! He's lying in it right now.
Seeing as how I didn't get up until 4 p.m. today I thought I'd best do something to keep me awake for a while!
Okay time to unload the dishwasher and reload it....any idea how long it takes to de-smoke a house? Keep in mind that it's Canada and winter....
Well, I may have made it sound worse than it was...I didn't have to be at the exam until 12:15!!
That went well...and when CJ drove me home it was to our interior living room window all decorated and lit up!
I also forgot to mention that on Friday CJ met with the Revenue Canada rep and indeed we DO have a hefty return coming our way (as in 4 years of RRSP contributions that hadn't been factored in!).
In talking about this, CJ said "Even if I don't put anything else into my RRSP WE will have over XXXXXX by the time we retire.
I honestly don't understand the lack of desire thing. I'm a 36 year old male and I disagree that the male peak is late teen-early twenties. To me, there is nothing better than that kind of closeness. If God made anything better, he kept it to himself! 
And if you ever feel you are not sexy enough, just remember that 38s and being petite make any man notice you! 
).
(Yes she'd had a couple of beers too and had prefaced it with...I know you're my aunt and uncle but...)
) bounced to the edge of the speaker and dropped off...along with a few other items. The vase shattered into CJ's comforter which was lying folded there.
