New Game- Exposed

[CD Bear]

You understand the process we are speaking of and what we need to get at, meaning the "disease". Back up a bit....go ahead and list some of the oversimplified symptoms. What was number one in her mind?

Here are some excerpts from the ILYBINILWY

"In the past 3 years our relationship has taken a hit for the worst. We have tried to fix it many times and it still is not ever where it was. We used to love each other, talk normally to each other. Since we decided to have Calla things have completely changed. You have said and blamed many things on our relationship. Your job, Reno's, your new job, the house, calla, money..... truth is these are all regular things in life. "

"He would tell me he loved me,and I felt it. He would tell me things to make me feel wanted, needed, secure. Those things are non existent now. I don't understand. What did I do. Why did everything stop. When I found out I was having D every things stopped."

"I have fallen out of love with you... Our relationship priorities are gone... I need things you don't need...I need sex, love and desire. You have told me it will change many times. It has yet to change. I cant do this anymore. I don't think I want this anymore. The flame is burnt out. It crushes me this didn't work out, I never wanted this to end this way."

She finished the letter with this (and this was two weeks AFTER I now know she spent a weekend with OM in hotel)

"I think we need to talk, I need your help as a friend. I don't want a fight or a yelling match, I just need you to understand where I'm coming from. I would like to hear your thoughts and feelings on this relationship and what we need to do."

So, I believe I am correct in my view that the lack of loving words and actions crushed this. She felt it from her side. So did I. But neither of us knew what to "do". Granted, according to what I just read about N.U.T's (thanks for that. Orderng it)it was still ultimately MY RESPONSIBILITY to keep that going regardless. But the pressure of all the things we were undertaking simultaneously had me a little overwhelmed and I can honestly say I wasn't feeling appreciated or feeling "the love" coming from her either. Regardless, how she felt was how she felt and I was clearly not paying enough attention and/or reading her 'symptoms" correctlly. Yes, it can also be said I likely wasn't "hearing" her or "pursuing more detail" from her. Again, her 'phrasing' cane at me as criticism. But that is MY FAULT, too. Those are MY FILTERS, not hers.

I think you can start to arrive at that crucial step by working on some of the other more mundane things, like communication.
Yep that's right I called communication mundane. Sure it is key in any relationship and any person can become a better communicator but that does not change why we love our spouses.

And, as I said above, this "mundane thing" is costing me right now.
Am I missing your point?

I think the hard inner work that Grit, some others and I will send your way will help you discover is just how much you Love your wife despite her utter and total disrespect for you. It is the part of setting them free but doing so out of Love not out of self satisfaction. You may claim that you have done it but believe me it is not easy.
I am going to give away some thunder here. Right now most people Love their spouse because of what that spouse does for "US" in return. The key to success here is to Love your spouse with no expectation of "anything" in return. You have to remove yourself from the equation of loving her. You have to totally remove your wants and desires from your "LOVE" of her.
This is not done overnite.

When I read the bold piece, I actaully FELT the impact on me!!
It has significantly changed my perspective.
I will watch for THUNDER any chance you feel the desire to help this "relative noob" learn a little quicker.

I sincerely thank you for the bold piece. May have kick-started the "life change" in one simple shot.