Hi Shiny! I finally had a chance to do some catching up. Pardon me a second while I say hi to Zoo.

Hi Zoo, I don't know you but I wanted to comment on your mantra. I am a martial artist and here are some things I know about balance:

unbalance is the same as weight.

perfect balance is hardly attainable; it is the struggle for balance that gives it meaning.

So, Shiney, now that I have caught up somewhat I will post some thoughts...first and most important, I agree with everyone that you rock and are inspirational. I think of where we were this time last year and I cannot believe to progress you have made. You have gained so much insight and self confidence that honestly, and I pray it doesn't happen, if CJ fell back into his old habbits you are strong enough to move on. Again, I pray that doesn't happen, but I also pray for your and his happiness.

Regarding the coveted teacher award thing, if it is so subjective and not a true measure of how great you are, why is it so important? Do you have to have it in order to be tenured?

As for asking for a love letter, it might backfire. When Sam and I seemed to be making great progress in our marriage (pre affair discovery, but after affair #1 had started) I asked for a love letter for my birthday. It was very sweet and full of hope and I cherished it. The night I discovered the affairs by locating old emails, I read one where she explained to her lover that she resented me asking for the letter. She said if she wanted to write a letter, she would already have done so. She felt I was fishing for compliments.

On gift giving: I am so far removed the holiday spirit that I feel quite Scroogelike. Like KAW, I haven't any expectations. I am even working the holiday so I can avoid the inlaws who are coming to visit. I am working a night shift again, so I will be able to watch my children have a great time but when the inlaws get on my nerves, it's "...Oh look at the time. I have to sleep before I go in tonight. 'Night all."

I am unable to concentrate on gift giving, but I really like Sage's (she is soooo helpful! Love ya, Sage!) idea: small things that lets him know you care would do the trick, I think. Give small things up until Christmas day, and on Christmas, give him a super duper cookbook (so you'll benefit too!) or something you know he will appreciate. Maybe something that will help with his new job quest. It might show him you believe in his efforts and support him.

On the same old pattern thing: I worry too about Sam falling into the same old patterns. I call her on it. Not to harangue or harrass, but to point out what we, as a couple, are doing. I do this so we can change directions.

And as for decorating, just do it. He will join in I am sure. Go get something new to hang up and let it be a symbol of the newness of the marriage. Then, as a way to solve the other problem of his lack of sexual attention, make sure what you buy requires you to use a ladder to put it up. Have him hold the ladder. Climb the ladder and place your goodies where he cannot miss 'em! I honestly don't understand the lack of desire thing. I'm a 36 year old male and I disagree that the male peak is late teen-early twenties. To me, there is nothing better than that kind of closeness. If God made anything better, he kept it to himself! And if you ever feel you are not sexy enough, just remember that 38s and being petite make any man notice you!

By the way, if you get a chance, go to http://www.lioncastle.com/
and check out the music. The members of this band are all friends of mine and are very talented. They have a song called "Shine." Good stuff.

I hope everyone who reads this thread, and is part of the bb, has a merry and blessed Christmas. Much love to all!