You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[whatisis]

Wow, that's quite a day! Pretty emotional not being there for your D's birthday, that hurts! Probably your foul mood during golf was less about losing and more about missing the BD. Hang in there CTH. What's this co-dependency class you're going to? When you have a few moments I'd be interested in hearing more about it. Have a safe trip tomorrow.

[awest1217]

Hope you have a good day today at the race. I also hope it doesn't get rained out because I know it is raining here, but I haven't watched the news lately to see exactly where this weather is coming from.

[ClingingToHope]

Wii, it's a Celebrate Recovery program at my church. Several hundred churches around the country have it. On the first night, it had a check list for codependency.

Assume responsibility for other people's feelings and behaviors. CHECK

Have difficulty identifying what I'm feeling. CHECK

Afraid of being rejected by others. CHECK

Minimize, alter how I truly feel. CHECK

Am extremely loyal, staying in harmful situations too long. CHECK

Do not ask others to meet your needs or desires. CHECK

Compromise your own values and integrity to a avoid rejection or other's anger. CHECK

There were others that applied to me as well.

So I'm going to go on Fridays that I don't have the girls or plans to just listen.

Awest, I worked from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. Saturday and was really tired. But Sunday took the cake. I worked from 2 a.m. to 6:15 p.m.

Hey, I need the money. I have 22 paychecks until next summer. Yes, I'm already counting down.

Good development in that I've been getting more texts from the girls and responding back.

Nothing from STBXW this weekend and that's more than fine. I was talking to someone on Friday about what might happen if the fog lifted and --- I have no idea how that conversation would work.

Pain a lot less, but I was very busy.

[ImprovedRomeo]

CTH, that co-dependency class sounds like a good plan! That list is totally me too. I bet most of us LBS have common patterns and most WAS have their's.

Hang in there buddy!

[ClingingToHope]

At the Friday thing, the band (this church is big into Christian music) actually played a non-Christian song ... and it's one I've heard countless times and yet never really listened to the words.

Don Henley's The Heart of the Matter

I got the call today I didn't wanna hear,
But I knew that it would come,
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone,
She said you found someone,
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through,
And how I lost me, and you lost you,
What are these voices outside love's open door,
Make us throw off our contentment,
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now,
But I miss you sometimes,
The more I know, the less I understand,
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again,

I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter,
But my will gets weak,
And my thoughts seem to scatter,
But I think it's about forgiveness,
Forgiveness,
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore,

These times are so uncertain,
There's a yearning undefined,
People filled with rage,
We all need a little tenderness,
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness,
They're the very things we kill, I guess,
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms,
And the work I put between us,
You know it doesn't keep me warm,

I'm learning to live without you now,
But I miss you, baby,
The more I know, the less I understand,
All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again,

I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter,
But everything changes,
And my friends seem to scatter,
But I think it's about forgiveness,
Forgiveness,
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore,

There are people in your life who've come and gone,
They let you down,
You know they hurt your pride,
You'd better put it all behind you, baby, 'cause life goes on,
You keep carryin' that anger,
It'll eat you inside, baby,

I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter,
But my will gets weak,
And my thoughts seem to scatter,
But I think it's about forgiveness,
Forgiveness,
Even if, even if you don't love me,

I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter,
Because the flesh will get weak,
And the ashes will scatter,
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness,
Forgiveness,
Even if, even if you don't love me,

Forgiveness (hey),
Forgiveness (baby),
Forgiveness (oh),
Forgiveness (hey hey),
Forgiveness (oh),
Forgiveness,
Even if you don't love me anymore,
Forgiveness (ooh),
Forgiveness (oh).

[ClingingToHope]

Got three emails from STBXW last night. First one was D11's camp address because she wants me to write her.

Second one is on IRS info. Interestingly, STBXW is paying more than half of it. I'm not sure she understands that -- but considering she's going to be getting child support from me for 10 years I don't think it's up to me to point this out to her.

It's similar to another thing that's happened. At the start of the summer I agreed to split camp costs. That's what the court is going to order anyway.

I paid for a few, she paid for a few and then there was this big horseback riding camp that D11 is at this week. It cost $520 and we should split it. But she's never asked for the money.

Part of the strife in the marriage was finances. I basically took care of everything and she wanted the freedom to make her own decisions. I do not think I should rescue her here by saying, hey, I owe $260. I would not let this slip through the cracks. If she asks for it I will give it.

Is that wrong?

Final one was on the kids' schedule next week. Remember, she'll be in Sturgis, S.D., getting drunk with her motorcycle buddies. She's pawning the girls off on MIL.

MIL wants me to bring them down to her campground on Aug. 8. Well, I planned to take them to Great America Aug. 8 -- especially since I don't get D11 until Aug. 7 because of camp.

So I responded that I'd rather take Aug. 9 off and bring D11 down after my softball game and swim with them.

I am not going to miss another night with Dll.

[ClingingToHope]

Weird thought today. STBXW is very into her career. You know how she got into it? Me. I called a friend's mom and made some inquries and told STBXW to apply. My friend's mom got her in.

Her career then became the most important thing in the world to her.

Her hobby was -- I'm not sure now I've been out of the house so long -- D11's theater troupe.

You know how she got into that? Me. I found a story about this group coming to town, signed D11 up and STBXW became very involved and it basically occupied all of her free time in the school year.

It's strange how decisions made have strange consequences.

Stopped by a new hair cutting place. Just two stylists in there. One started asking me questions to get me to talk and the divorce came up and that opened the lines of communication. I'm getting better at talking about it.

The second stylist, the one not cutting my hair, was extremely pretty and she was asking questions and she is not married. So I may go back there a few times -- just in case.

[awest1217]

CTH - you really are still thinking mostly about STBXW. Most of your posts are about her. You really need to work on that. I understand you will think about her, but it seems from the posts that you think about her a lot. Try to though stop or something to help you to not focus on her, but to focus on you. Think about you and your life, not about her and what she did or is doing.

[awest1217]

Sorry to clarify. I understand you talking about her when things happen with the D or the girls, but to think about her as much as you do can't be healthy for you.

[ClingingToHope]

Awest, perhaps I am focusing too much on STBXW. I've been dreading next week for a long time. The thought of my wife partying with a bunch of drunken motorcycle riders at a big boozefest is embarrassing.

So far though, none of this has been as bad as imagined. I'm trying to remember that.