first of all, i want to say that i really do appreciate the help and support that i have received on. nobody can force their advice down my throat - it is still up to me how i want to take that advice and use it.
at the start, i would simply complain and whine about stuff. it was unproductive. i could see the frustration in the vets' posts. it was only a matter of time i would stop and say enough is enough. but only i could make that happen. it didn't matter how much coach, forrest, or lauraoh tried to drill it in me. i had to wake myself up. i either listen and do the work, or continue to spiral.
dropping the rope is the goal. but before we get there, we have to work on a few problem areas - my confidence being one of them. dropping the rope is one thing - but what shape is the rope-dropper in when this is being done? is she/he going to buckle emotionally and fall down? or is she/he standing solid on both feet with confidence? i want to drop the rope and be standing solid. this is what the 30-day challenge meant for me. i focused on me. i let the lawyers deal with the legal stuff and my h. my job was to focus on me and make sure that when i do drop the rope, i walk away with confidence.
it wasn't until recently my lawyer asked me to deal with a portion of the separation agreement. i have had little interaction with my h and to be honest, he can do whatever he wants to do. i have to look out for me.
the jewellery and baseball collection argument is not about things. it's about setting boundaries - as lauraoh pointed out. i was going to have my lawyer deal with it but he put it back on my plate. and my concern was how i was going to deal with my h when he starts fighting like a child? it is not about the items. it took an emotional toll on me last time. here is a second kick at the can .. am i ready to deal with this kind of pettiness without stooping to that level and yet, still remain firm and mature? it's about me. how do i protect myself from being emotionally hurt again?
i was actually proud of myself for getting as far as i got with the work that i had done on myself. but your post really put a damper on my spirits. the comments are "harsh" because it took three people almost three months to get me out of my rut and start doing work. finally, i've made progress. a small step forward but it's a step in the right direction.
if there was anything i learned from the vets here they are the following: 1. mind reading is not a good thing - control it, don't do it, and leave it behind. 2. don't do things to get a reaction from your h. when i started to focus on me, i didn't do anything to get a reaction from my h. changes are only sustainable if you do it for yourself and no other reason. if you do it to get a reaction, then it isn't genuine and people can see through that.
i'm not looking to reconcile tomorrow. even if we did, we'd have to do a lot of repair work on both ends. the meeting i am to have with my h is to test the condition of the lines of communication and not damage them any further by giving the look or digging. i've worked on me but i have not worked on my verbage. and how i delivery my point can make or break the lines of communication. getting my communication right isn't just about my h. it will help me in future relationships.
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I don't have time in my day to show up with anything other than goodwill - I wouldn't allocate my resources to anything other. Coming here is a way to give back and be supportive to others.
