Another story of a WH and an LBS

[newmama]

About not being angry--I didn't get angry until after my stbxh said he was going to file in March and it got worse and worse from there (but I didn't explode at him because
1) I don't think it will help S
2) I want the legal stuff to be settled so my outbursts won't affect the divorce
3)It wouldn't be satisfying because I would be the only one yelling and he would just say "you're right. I'm sorry I hurt you." GRRRR! I want him to feel what I am feeling but that is not possible)

But I have a feeling that when I return to work and see my S a hell of a lot less then I will be getting very angry again!

This last month it has really finally hit me--everything horrible that he has done--

Sorry to t/j. Just sharing that I understand not getting angry, thinking it was weird (but I have an alcoholic mother, so children of alcoholics tend to not be good at sharing emotions)

Gatbsy-- your anger may come. But remember, that anger is depression turned outward or something, so maybe you will just be sad and cry instead! It will come one day!

[pinhead]

I don't get angry very often. Far more sad than angry. When I do get angry at the W it's because I see how much this will hurt the girls, me, and even the W. She can't see that of course, she really can't.

Last night she asked if it was good for the girls to see us so unhappy; I said that seeing their parents work through their problems in a relationship instead of putting a match to the fuse would be a fantastic thing for them to learn.

[gatsby11]

Hey all! Thanks for your posts.

I feel like I went through pain/despair, then anger, then either acceptance or withdrawal about his actions with his coworker. But I did that all alone, and he didn't know about it. And now that he's here, I think he should see what he did! But when we're together, I forget about it all.

So, in therapy.

Well, WH came over last night, and on time! And guess what? This is especially for NM-- he grew a beard!! Since he didn't shave for 10 days, it grew out more than in the past. And maybe because he's almost 30, for some reason it grew in thick. Previously it grew in uneven with lots of bald patches. But this is full coverage!

He asked a couple of times if I liked it and I said YES! I also said that I was just telling a friend that I liked guys with facial hair. Ha ha!

It was a pretty good visit. I told him about little girl and he told me all about the trip. He said for the first time he felt 'happy' when he was there-- the first time since Christmas. (Apparently, he laughed really hard with some friends on this trip. And he said the last time he laughed that hard was with my brother at Christmastime.)

He said I would have liked the lodge and he could picture me and little girl there. He also kind of said he wanted to move there to be near mountains. Sure, but don't start the "where do I want to live? Mountains, city, ocean, plains..." stuff which is when he doesn't know who he is!

All right, enough detail.

Bottom line is that:

1) I may have come off as not wanting to be with him. I talked about myself in the singular (with little girl). I said that she and I wouldn't be living in this city forever. He was surprised by that. And then I said something else referring to myself individually.. . can't remember what. I didn't mean to exclude him, just that we haven't really dealt with anything yet, so I'm not ready to include him. But he may have gotten the wrong message. Because

2) At the end he said he wanted to give me a hug. His hug was restrained. I was a lot more giving, but then I withdrew when I felt his resistance. Not sure why he was like that. He was also crying.

We need to get into therapy so we can communicate fully.

The one bad part of the night is that I felt like he did all the talking and wasn't interested in listening to me. We can work on it, of course, but I felt it.

So... my friend is coming into town on Wednesday, so I might not see WH again until Friday. He'll probably be with little girl as my friend and I go out.

So that's that!

[newmama]

Wow, you got your beard! lol! Too funny!!

1) I may have come off as not wanting to be with him. I talked about myself in the singular (with little girl). I said that she and I wouldn't be living in this city forever. He was surprised by that. And then I said something else referring to myself individually.. . can't remember what. I didn't mean to exclude him, just that we haven't really dealt with anything yet, so I'm not ready to include him. But he may have gotten the wrong message. Because

2) At the end he said he wanted to give me a hug. His hug was restrained. I was a lot more giving, but then I withdrew when I felt his resistance. Not sure why he was like that. He was also crying.

There are times when we DO NEED TO talk to our spouse about what they are thinking and feeling, so just curious, why didn't you ask him, G?

We need to get into therapy so we can communicate fully.

So are you waiting for that situation before? I understand! It's just that you might have to SUFFER until then! arghh!

[gatsby11]

Good question, NM.

I didn't ask him because we were outside, he was leaving, and it was like a tear-up-sunglasses-covering-quick-walk-away type of thing.

I would like to ask him. I might, if it feels right in the next week or so.

[gatsby11]

hey guys,

(any of you still getting weird bills from the hospital? geez!)

Anyways.

My friend is coming in today, so I won't be on here 'til she leaves Sat nite.

Hope all is well....

[newmama]

We'll miss you G! And I see why you didn't ask him the Q just then...makes sense!

[gatsby11]

K I'm back! Going to read your threads....

not really much tos ay here except my friend is having a hard time accepting WH. He's being really nice and trying hard to 'win her over', but she tells me that she doesn't trust him. (And that I shouldn't either!)

We haven't talked about therapy either, mostly because my friend was here. But now we've got to really get that started.

[gatsby11]

I'm starting to work again, guys! I just did a bunch of computer work... I'll do a bit of paperwork, too, in the next two days and then I'm going in Thursday for a half day and bringing little girl!

I love work.

I had an interesting sort of thing with WH today. He hadn't texted or anything all day and by 6:30 I was getting mad. I was just like, "Why are you leaving me in limbo, I don't get it" and all this stuff.

Then he called! And he's been sick all day. He slept and slept and then finally went into the doctor. Lots of things-- rashes, a cold, and a bacterial infection. (From his trip to CO.)

So. An issue we've had in the past is what to do when he's sick. He wants to be babied. I don't baby people. So he moans and groans and I go "Oh, that sucks. Hope you get better."

I tried harder in this conversation today. BUT I got concerned that he was only thinking abuot himself and not thinking about how he could get little girl sick. So I mentioned about her a few times. Enough to get him to say "Her health is my first concern." I was surprised about that, actually.

After we got off the phone, I realized he wanted me to baby him more. So I did text him and say that I was sorry he felt so sick, hoped he rested well, and if he needed anything to let me know. He wrote back, "Thanks, {pet name}. I appreciate that."

So that's what happened.

He probably won't be around much because he's sick now. So... we may have to talk therapy over the phone.

NM, what's it been like when S has a cold?

[newmama]

So. An issue we've had in the past is what to do when he's sick. He wants to be babied. I don't baby people. So he moans and groans

I get this, I am the same way (except with my BABY because babies deserved to be babied) BUT (sorry men) Men are like this! They want their 'momma' to take care them when they are sick. They want our nurturing side because that is one of the things that they are attracted to (biologically) and what they need.

Just so you know your H is like any other guy...so good job with the fuss! Another thing you can do is check on him tomorrow, tell him to take some medicine(specify) and get some chicken noodle soup, etc.

Well, when S has had a cold (several times now thanks to germ infested stbxh), he will be just fine playing, might eat a little less, definitely sleeps more. Other than that, it isn't bad. BUT IF YOUR D runs a fever for a few days, is wheezing then get her to the dr. She might have RSV which is common unfortunately. But S had it along with an ear infection.

Is your D sick?