tired of this

[A_goodman]

LRT,

Thanks for the encouragement. I do agree that I'm not out of this fight yet. And I'm still hopefull to save my family and spare my children the pain that they're unaware is so perrilously close to them.

I'm not too worried about the money. Really, I was mad for Dan. If that plays out the way his L says, he's getting the shaft. And it's not fair the way the system works.

However, that got me thinking about what we are all being subjected to. I feel like daddy LongShanks' vision of a LBS concentration camp, while figurative, is more reality than jest. Of course, this site and the work we're all doing is all about tunneling out and becoming free men/women again. It still sucks that we were rounded up from our comfortable lives and transported here to face the prospect of either escaping or suffering some sort of lingering metaphorical death. Even after we escape and make our new and better lives. Won't we bare the scars of this forever? Heck, even if the war is declared over and we don't have to escape (i.e. they come back), this is not going to just disappear. Yes. I'm stronger now. Yes if it ever happens again, I'll know how to escape much faster, but I was still here! I have a number on me that will never let me forget this.

Sorry. It's a bad day.

[LRT Land]

Goodman - you are not a victim! You are a survivor. You are making decisions for YOUR future and for what YOU want.

As for the past trangressions, my H has many. Some would make you wonder why I have stayed. How I have stayed. Partly because my family growing up was dysfunctional, and partly because I dated for so long and know no R is perfect or problem free, I have greater tolerance for nonsense than others. But the key here is to FORGIVE. Not for them, for you. THat's the only true way to let go of the past and start living in the present so that your TRUE future will reveal itself to you.

You have come so far. Patience my dear friend. Patience.

[A_goodman]

Dan,

Trust me you've helped me far more than I've helped you. I don't think you're being petty or unrealistic in the least. NOW, Mrs. F...well. I think our W's are drinking the same water there.

You are right about their future happiness. They are going to be shrivelled up hags in 10 years. Before you ladies get upset at that apparent pearl of sexism, I don't mean physically. I don't know about Dan, but my W is very attractive and I fully expect her to age gracefully. In my mind, She will ALWAYS be a babe. I was looking forward to gazing lovingly at my W for decades to come. I meant shrivelled up emotionally. Mine already had a problem with negativity and can be downright mean at times. Without my stabilizing optimism and positive outlook (I know it doesn't show today, but it's my normal state), I expect her to spiral into depression and discontent. She'll become the characature of a mean old woman.

Sure she'll be happy for a while. She'll probably have an endless string of R's. There won't be any lack of guys willing to be with her...at first. I can't imagine many who'll be willing to put up with her CB as long as I did.

However, eventually, she'll start to experience REAL negativity. The stuff that MWD and all the pros said waits for them after the D will tear her up. Looking into the eyes of the kids will eventually break her down. Maybe not at first. But eventually.

The financial realities might be overlooked at first. It might seem like an adventure. Like recapturing the feeling of youth when we didn't have anything. But that will start to wear on her too.

Then the memories will start popping up. or she'll have something happen that she'll want to share with me, but I won't be there for her. Then the guilt. I believe that the guilt will be crushing when she comes to her senses.

She doesn't want to hear any of this now. And I'm done bringing it up. I'm just sorry that She's going to end up a miserable, cranky old hag when she could have been something special.

ME? I'm, going to be just fine. I'll not feel all that guilt and unhappiness. I did my part. I stood on the line until I was the last man standing. I will carry forward with MY dignity intact and be able to look myself in the mirror. And my future Rs will be what I want them to be, because I didn't have this stupid fantasy about life and will not be disillusioned going in. And because I carry the battle scars to remind me to live life MY WAY.

Of course, that doesn't keep me from getting angry right now while this is happening. You know, I think I figured out what started me down this road today. I'll post it sepperately

Anyway, thanks Dan (and all you others) for being there. I consider you a good friend.

[A_goodman]

Thanks LRT. I know you are right of course. I do feel victomized sometimes. I know that is a position of weakness. I never let her see it. And everytime I do feel it, it makes me mad until I take the reigns back on my emotions. That's why this site is so good. I have learned that sitting in camp wallowing is not strong. So I have been tunneling hard. Escapees are doers. I might be in camp, but I have decided to get out. That's my position of strength. Sometimess it still hacks me off though. However, eveytime I get angry it makes me dig harder.

Thanks for keeping me centered. I'll be patient. And I will survive.

[LRT Land]

You just reminded me of something a priest told me several years ago - "the gates of hell are locked from the inside." In other words, so many people spend their lives complaining about their current situation or blaming others when all they have to do is unlock the gate and step out. We are in control of our future.

I guess I don't like the analogy of being in a concentration camp. If I was, then I'd like to believe I have unlocked the gate, and I'm not going back because unlike in one of those camps I do have control. Not going back. No how, no way. Hell is no way to live.

[Coach]

You just reminded me of something a priest told me several years ago - "the gates of hell are locked from the inside." In other words, so many people spend their lives complaining about their current situation or blaming others when all they have to do is unlock the gate and step out. We are in control of our future.

I guess I don't like the analogy of being in a concentration camp. If I was, then I'd like to believe I have unlocked the gate, and I'm not going back because unlike in one of those camps I do have control. Not going back. No how, no way. Hell is no way to live.

Read The Meaning of Life by Victor Frankl. He describes how he survived the concentration camps by controlling his thoughts, emotions and actions.

I used the POW training I had in the Air Force to help me DB. The Stockdale Paradox is from Adm Stockdale's 7 yrs ordeal in the Hanoi Hilton. The key is understanding what you do have control over.

[A_goodman]

So here is the exchange that soured my mood today.

As I'm leaving for work, I told W good by and she said that she'd been thinking about this wknd. I am planning on taking the boys down to Austin to visit my sister's family. W said that maybe I should rent a car, since the van needs two new tires and a rear break job as well as an oil change. Now the tire place said the tires need replacing, but there's still a lot of good tread. She took it in for the front breaks a while ago and they suggested a rear job. This was after all this started. Since then I've changed the breaks on my car which I'v done several times, so I could do the job, but she never asked me.

Anyway, I was one foot out the door, so I told her we'd discuss it tonight. She said fine and walked off. I could tell she was peeved a little. Not that I care really, but it was curious to me.

On the way to work, it dawned on me that she just doesn't want to be stuck driving my car (which won't make it to Austin). Now, I drive a beater. I've never owned a new automobile in my life. "her" car is a newer minivan. My car has 345k Miles on it, won't lock, sometimes stalls with the AC on (at stops) and burns oil.

Why do I drive a POS? Because, at first, we made stupid decisions about debt and got in a hole that took years to get out of. We both found Dave Ramsey and climbed out. We're almost debt free (House and student loans). When we were young, We couldn't afford an extra car payment on top of hers. Then the debt period, and now I'm dead set against any more debt. We have two boys in private school and aftercare. Plus all summer they're in a summer program which costs only slightly less than the regular tuition. Could I buy a car on the money we spend on tuition? You damn betcha! I could swing a nice Mercedes or a sweet crew cab 4X4. But I SACCRIFICE what I WANT for what is important to me, the best education for the boys I can afford (even when I couldn't afford it). We have one nice car and one POS. I have ALWAYS driven the beater and let her drive the good car.

So here now, she will have to drive my car for a couple of days and she want's to rent a car. The car rental will cost as much as getting the work done that will STILL need to be done.

I will calmly tell her this evening that I've decided to get the repairs done with that money and go ahead and take the van this wknd. The cars are family property and both our names are on the deeds. It's not that I have to be the man tonight that bothers me. I'm not affraid to anger her. It's that she is using tangents to get what she wants and that she is unwilling to put up with what I do everyday for even a few days.

Who is this woman?

[Coach]

It's that she is using tangents to get what she wants and that she is unwilling to put up with what I do everyday for even a few days

Maybe she just wants a vehicle to drive to feel safe in. She wants you to TCB on the vehicle mx. She wants to feel secure. She will love it if you fix the brakes and get new tires. I understand why you drive the car you do, now try to see it from her POV.

[TimeHeals]

I understand why you drive the car you do, now try to see it from her POV.

Since we're talkin about her POV, I am a good Hertz customer when it comes to longer trips because I really don't like doing that in my own car. Plus if it breaks, they have to come and get me and give me another car

If the drive is very long, I think I agree with her. Of course, it costs a lot more to rent an SUV than a full-size, 4-door sedan....

[A_goodman]

OK Coach. As a grizzled veteran here, I conceed the point to you. And I'm honored to have you weigh in.

I guess the pity party's over. Just some days the pressure valve blows open and a guy's gotta let off some steam. Luckily, that never happens in front of W anymore.

I can see her not feeling secure that my car will do. She doesn't have my mechanical skills or familiarity with "old paint", so would probably be worried more than me.

This stuff just starts to wear on you sometimes. Was it this way for you?

LRT, Thanks for feeding me a steady diet of positivity. Sorry for expanding on the concentration camp thing. However we ARE all in roughly the same place. Glad we're sticking together.