Background- My husband and I are 28 and 29, and we have two children aged 9 and 5 (the 9-year-old is mine from a previous relationship, but his bio-dad has never been involved so my husband has been his dad). Our relationship has been troubled. My husband is military, and I am a SAHM. I have a very part-time job (1 hour a day) Fidelity has never been an issue in the past- never even suspected. We purchased a house about two years ago, and it has been a source of stress (financially). My husband is, I suspect, an alcoholic- he likes to drink beer daily whenever possible. He also has a gambling addiction, which I wasn't aware of until about a year or so ago (that's when it seemed to start). A third problem has been that since we've been posted a couple times to areas where we don't know anyone, we've never had a babysitter. This resulted in me sitting at home with the kids whenever H went out socializing. He made lots of buddies at work, and I did not meet anyone. Feeling like I had little control over anything else, I used 'no sex' as a consequence- withholding as a way to try to get him to drink/gamble/socialize less. It became a vicious cycle.
We had a fight back in March when I discovered that he had withdrawn money (about $1200) from my credit card without my knowledge or consent. He says it was for bills, he didn't want to worry me, and planned to pay it back before I noticed. When I pushed for details, things almost got physical and he left to stay with friends (a married couple) for 4 days. We reconciled (I asked him to come back) and he repaid the money on June 1.
On July 10, I checked my credit card balance online and discovered that he had taken another $1000, in cash, between June 15-June 30. When I confronted him about it (I was in tears when he came home), he literally ran away- jumped in the car and fled. He came back a short time later, starting shoving clothes in a duffel bag, and left again- he tried to take the car (which is in my name), but I wouldn't give him the keys, so he left on a bike. We didn't hear from him for a few days. He showed up to coach my son's soccer game, but when I tried to approach him after the game, he again fled on the bike. A few more days went by before I called him at work and demanded a contact number for wherever he was staying- I assumed it was a male coworker. He did not want to tell me where he was staying. I threatened to come to his work and make a scene. At that point he said, "Okay, I'll come home now and tell you everything".
He came home and informed me that he'd been staying "With my friend, OW. Here's her name, address, and phone number." I asked if I could call her to confirm. I called her and asked how she knew my H- she said they'd met a few months ago. I asked her "Are you sleeping with him?" She said yes. I said "Did you know about me?" She said she did. I don't remember much after that, but I went to the computer and installed a keylogger. I made H show me his Facebook page- I had never checked it before because I trusted him- I wanted to see what OW looked like. Then H left 'to go back to work'. I examined this chick's Facebook page and saw things she'd posted that led me to believe that this was more than just 'sex once a week, no personal relationship'.
At that point, rage kicked in, and common sense checked out! I bagged up H's clothes and his empty beer bottles, drove over to the OW's house (what a dump!) and threw the bags on her lawn. My H then came out of her house (nope, guess he didn't go back to work)- he was nervous. I made him go in her house and bring me a beverage, and then drove to the courthouse and grabbed some forms (custody, etc.) On the way home again, crying, shaking and sickness kicked in- I stopped back at the OW's house. H was on her porch with her, and I got to see her in person. I think we're fairly even, looks-wise. I didn't get out of the car but pulled in, blew the horn, and H came to the car. I told him to get in- that I was sick and needed him to care for the kids. He did. After they went to bed, he tried to leave, and I cried, pleaded and begged until he agreed to spend the night.
My parents came and took the kids the next day for a vacation. I had explained the situation. My dad brought me a copy of an email- my H emailed my dad in May to ask for money- said it was for bills and he didn't want to worry me, asked my dad not to tell me- my dad sent him $2000. Turns out, my H used part of that money to pay back my card, and the rest......? Possibly the OW. She has two little kids with different dads, aged 2 and 3-ish. It makes me sick to think that he was stealing from our family to give to hers, but that's what I've concluded.
Without the kids around, it was hard to keep it together- I was a MESS. H went to work, and I got on OW's Facebook. I sent her a nasty message, and sent messages to various friends and family members (hers) about her sleeping with married men and destroying children's lives. She retaliated by writing things like "I love you, babe" (referring to my husband) on her Facebook wall. I called my H at work, demanding to know what this 'love' stuff was all about- he said "she started saying that a month ago, even though I told her I didn't want a relationship". I guess he called her from work and told her to stop writing that stuff, she told him about the messages I'd sent her friends, and he came home MAD. He said that none of this was her fault and I needed to leave her alone. He said he was going to his parent's house for the night- I drove him and ended up staying, too. That night, H loved me, was apologetic, never loved her, would end the affair, would stop working at the bar (he's a bouncer there one night a week, and that's where he met her), etc, etc. This stance continued for a week or so, but he was refusing to call the OW and initiate NC. I made a lot of mistakes- lots of crying, begging, not giving him space, etc.
I knew, from stalking OW's Facebook page, that she was away on a vacation. I wondered if he were faking reconciliation because he didn't have anywhere to stay while she was gone. I was curious to see what happened when she got back. I also checked the keylogger logs and discovered that he and the OW had been sending messages back and forth the entire time he'd been here claiming to try to reconcile, despite the fact that he and I were having lots of make-up sex. He was telling her that I was crazy and that he hated me. She offered to come back early. I knew when she was back because he wanted the car keys (BAD) at 11 pm at night- I refused, and he stayed. The next night, he initiated sex and I said 'I cannot continue to have sex with you while she's in the picture. Please call her and end it, now.' He wouldn't. He again packed a bag, and left our house at midnight on foot. I didn't try to stop him this time. I slipped his wallet out of his bag when he wasn't looking, so I'd have access to cash (bank cards, credit cards).
Two days later (Friday) he came back (sans bag). I was perfectly pleasant and calm. He took a shower, hung out with the kids, ate, etc. We talked and I asked him if he would stay. He said he would like to work it out if we could do MC, which I agreed to. We hugged, he seemed sincere, he said that when I did 'crazy stuff' like hide his wallet/keys, it infuriated him, and that would need to change. I gave him his wallet back. While cleaning out the car, I found a receipt from a florist with his name on it, dated June 30 (same day he took cash off my card!)- I didn't say anything, but began to realise that this was more than just a PA. A few hours later, he wanted the car keys to 'go to the store'. He was still being so pleasant. I thought that maybe he was going to get his bag- he swore he wouldn't be more than an hour. I'd lined up a babysitter for the evening (first time ever) because he couldn't give such short notice to the bar to quit, and had to work there that night- I'd said 'okay, but I will get a sitter and go too'.
After 4 hours, when he hadn't returned with my car, a sick feeling kicked in- I'd been played. Still- his work outfit was here, and he was working that night, so he'd be back- right? Wrong! The babysitter came, and I went to the bar and talked to the head bouncer, who said my husband was scheduled to work in an hour. I waited, had a few beers, shared my sob story with some new friends, and waited some more. He didn't show up. The head bouncer was angry with him- I told him what had been going on with the OW, and he said "Oh yeah, we knew all about that. Well, we didn't 'know', but we suspected- she was always flitting around here. I'm sorry, it wasn't my business and I figured he'd smarten up soon." I told him he could try reaching my H at the OW's number- he called, but she told him that my H wasn't with her. I knew she was lying.
I got a taxi and gave him the address- we live in a small town, and the cabbie knew her. I told him all about how she'd been sleeping with my husband, and that I was going there to get my car back. The cabbie was super-nice- he said that my husband wasn't the only one she'd had on the go- apparently, she's the town bicycle. He couldn't understand why my husband would want her over me- he said she was nasty. Sure enough, my car was at her house (parked in back!) but they were not- just the babysitter. I went home. I called her and left a message- that if he didn't return the car immediately, I was calling the police. She turned off the phone. I called the police and explained that he'd taken my car- they said it was more of a civil matter.
Here's where I lost my mind: I woke up my kids at 4 am and called a taxi. I work early in the morning for a hour (cleaning) and I'd been bringing my kids with me during H's disappearances. I needed that car to get to work- it's too far for the kids to walk. We went to her house, the babysitter was still there and didn't know when they'd be back. I made the babysitter call her and demanded my keys. The OW was flipping out on the phone- "Get off my property! I'm calling the cops!" I told her to go ahead. A police car came- as I approach it, I see my H walking up the road with OW behind. I explained the situation to the cop very calmly and sweetly- my H and the OW were drunk and very agitated- my H was crying. The cop told the OW to get in her house as this was a family matter. H told the cop I was crazy and drunk. I agreed to a breathalyzer (passed, of course) and the cop told H to give me the keys. It was a horrible scene- my H was crying, the kids were crying, I was crying. I asked my H to come home with us, and the cop said it wasn't a good idea because he'd been drinking- I quietly begged the cop to let us bring him home, but no dice. So I returned home- the phone started ringing repeatedly, but I didn't answer- H left a message for the kids saying that he was so sorry, sorry they had to see that, sorry we couldn't get along, and that he'd see them soon- he was still crying. That was Friday, today is Sunday, and I have not heard from my H since.
So.... what a mess, huh?
There are some pressing issues here. He is the breadwinner, and has not left us with one red cent. I believe that he'll continue to pay the bills for now- everything is in his name, so he'd only be hurting himself. For now, I'll have to continue bringing the kids each morning to my cleaning job in order to have some money for groceries, etc.
Exposing- should I expose the affair on Facebook? I changed all of his passwords, so I could post something about it on his Facebook page- he has 350 friends. His parents and some friends already know.
His work- should I go into his work tomorrow and talk to a superior (military)? Explain that he's taken off, we cannot contact him, and that he's left us with nothing? Find out if the military has any 'rules' about this (they seem to have rules about everything else)? I have other information that could definately end his career, but that would be shooting myself in the foot- I do need child support.
I don't have alot of time. School starts in a month, and if H is not coming back, I do not want to stay in this town. I have no support system here whatsoever. Because H has run off, and we can't contact him, I could likely get emergency temporary custody for now.
Anyhow, I don't even know if I want things to work out or not. I don't want this OW to 'win', and after staying home for so long, I'm so scared of being on my own- but it seems like maybe he's too far gone. I know, though, that he is making a mistake with this chick- I can tell what kind of gal she is (trashy), and I know that they'd be bound for problems once the high wears off. At the same time, the affair has been going on since March- maybe trashy is fine with him.
I guess this would be time to go dark, huh? But how should I act when he shows up again?!?!
Me-29 H- 28 Together for 6.5 years 2 kids, ages 9 and 5 D-Day: July 15, 2010.
OK I skimmed through your post, and you ARE REACTING AND NOT ACTING.
1) DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. He screwed up, so why should YOU leave.
2) Decide what YOU WANT. Divorce rips apart people and children. If you want to fight, then FIGHT. Why should some other sleaze woman take away your marriage?
3) If you want to expose the affair, I have EXPERIENCE in doing it to military commanders. I can help you launch a thermonuclear weapon at this affair and have him peeling potatoes for months.
4) Think about getting a job. Seriously. A man having an affair is INSECURE, and NOTHING like a stay at home woman going out into the workforce with PURE DETERMINATION and DRIVE TO SUCCEED will rattle him to the core of his being.
5) If he has a gambling problem, HIS COMMANDERS NEED TO KNOW. If he is to be COMBAT OPERATIONAL with the right SECURITY CLEARANCES, then a gambling addition makes him 10 TIMES MORE LIKELY TO SELL SECRETS.
6) You have got him by the BALLS here. And I mean a vice grip pair of pliers. I can think of so many ways to tear this apart it almost makes me giddy.
7) The Military Family Support Services are EXCELLENT. You need to go to them for help.
8) We are gonna take this ONE STEP AT A TIME. We can get through this if we break it down. We start SMALL and set ACHIEVABLE goals. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
WE HERE ARE ALL TIRED OF FREAKING CHEATERS AND "OTHER PEOPLE". We will get your back, and step up, muscle up, and throw down.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
- I don't want to leave the house- he says he is planning to sell it, but that probably won't happen anytime soon. He's too busy running around with OW, and he can't afford to list it right now. The house is in his name, though. My folks put some money toward this house, and we want it back. My dad is looking into possibly putting a lien on the place. At the same time, I cannot live in this town with H and OW running around in it. It's torturous.
- I really am living in limbo. In an ideal world, he'd ditch her for real, come back, and start working on changes with me. I want to fight and save the relationship. I accept that I have a good share of blame for this situation, and can change myself. I don't know if H can change- he blames his problems on me.
- I was planning on getting a full-time job next month, when my youngest will start school. I'd get one right now, but I have literally $5 left and couldn't hire a sitter.
- I would like to expose the affair at his work. I'm not sure how much sympathy I'll get, though- my H is a real 'man's man', his workplace is 100% male, and apparently he's told them all that I'm a horrible person (he said this in anger- 'go ahead, come to my work, they all know what a bitch you are anyway'. I really haven't done anything to him aside from bitch about drinking/gambling/partying, but who knows what he tells them?)
- He is insecure. For sure, and I contributed to that. I understand that that's why this affair started- she approached him and he was flattered. She appreciates him, and I did not.
- I should also mention that he's Canadian military. So the rules are probably different. But the gambling- yeah, still a problem. He's in charge of a petty cash box.
Me-29 H- 28 Together for 6.5 years 2 kids, ages 9 and 5 D-Day: July 15, 2010.
So, if I do want him back, there is nothing I can do right now. The OW has blocked my phone number, so the only way to talk to my H is to show up at her house, with my kids, and after Friday.... well, I'm not going to do that.
So I guess I wait and see when he returns- but what then? He'll have to return at some point- most of his stuff is here.
Last edited by RoughTime; 08/01/1006:36 PM.
Me-29 H- 28 Together for 6.5 years 2 kids, ages 9 and 5 D-Day: July 15, 2010.
RT if your H is in the military you can put an end to the A very fast... very very fast...
It's not about getting sympathy its about reporting his behaviour and getting him straight again...
Infidelity is like drinking or gambling or crime.. there's a short term excitement, but it will catch up with you eventually... oftentimes that's way too late to repair the marriage though.. which is why we reccomend exposing the affair, particulary for military personell because the Military frowns on infidelity (no clue why the private sector doens't handle infidelity with teh same manner ...)
Once the OW is GONE its a LOT easier to manage a reconcilliation... Until the OW is GONE there is next to no way to repair the marriage... I have seen very few if any visitors on this forum who have combatted an affair by turning a blind eye to it who have come out on top in the end
The exposure process offers you a chance at that... as long as your H is cheating you won't get a, b, or c...
Your H is not going to come back to
a. A woman he has no respect for b. A woman who is begging him and lost all composure c. A woman who allows him to treat her like a doormat
Standing up for the marriage and your children will win a lot of respect.. He will be in the short term very FURUIOUS that you locked the liquior cabinet on him but he will respect you for doign so... he just won't admit it for many many months to come
Lock the liquor cabinet, that's the first step to ending this addiction
Okay. So I will go into his work tomorrow and try to find someone to explain the situation to. I know that it would be an issue if she were a co-worker, but she works at Subway, so no dice there. They will probably have more of an issue with the fact that he's left us with no money.
And what about his Facebook page? Should I post something there? I read the 'Overcoming Infidelity' ebook, and was thinking of using the "My spouse is having an affair with XXX" mini-paragraph that the author recommended for telling family/friends. Everyone he works with would see it there. Maybe that's too public, though- I dunno.
I just don't know HOW to get this OW out of the picture.
Last edited by RoughTime; 08/01/1006:57 PM.
Me-29 H- 28 Together for 6.5 years 2 kids, ages 9 and 5 D-Day: July 15, 2010.
So I went ahead and posted a brief message on H's Facebook page- I used the one from 'Overcoming Infidelity'. It read:
"Mr. RoughTime is having an affair with Skank A (I used her real name). We just found out two weeks ago. We love Mr. RT. I want to save our marriage and keep our family together. Please encourage Mr. RT to do the right thing, end the relationship and all contact with Skank A, and recommit to our family. - Love, RoughTime, Kid A, and Kid B"
I left it up for 5 hours before chickening out and deleting it. However, lots of people obviously saw it.
H called me, irate. Told me he'd run into a friend who mentioned it, demanded that I delete it. He didn't know I already had, and I didn't tell him. He threatened to call my parents and tell them stories about me. My parents have been instructed to simply hang up if he calls, and not to engage with him.
He just called me again, a few hours later, still irate. Ranting about how his bosses and family had seen it, how embarassing it was, how it made him look like an [censored], how it made me look pathetic, how his niece was in tears about it.
"Why are you embarassed? Are you ashamed?" I asked. -"NO! I'm embarassed because it's not anyone else's business!"
Demanded that I delete his entire Facebook profile, and threatened to call and have the phone/internet disconnected by tomorrow. Wants me and the kids out of the house ASAP so he can sell it, and 'then I'll pay you whatever you want'. Wants to know when we're moving, will see me in court, etc. He just ranted and raved and I didn't say much except for "I will not tolerate yelling", "If you cannot communicate in a civil matter, I cannot continue this conversation", and, when he wouldn't stop ranting, "Please do not call me anymore until you are ready to converse like an adult". FINE! he yelled, and hung up.
Me-29 H- 28 Together for 6.5 years 2 kids, ages 9 and 5 D-Day: July 15, 2010.
Mr. RT just showed up at the house. The door was locked and he started banging aggressively.
I asked him (through the door) why he was here. He says "I want to see my kids! Let me in my house!" Said I'd let him in if he was ready to be respectful, but that was a mistake.
He bolts for the computer- "Show me my Facebook page! It's mine! This computer is mine! I'm taking it!" I told him calmly that he was not to remove marital property from the house. He started unplugging the computer, I started looking for the phone. He found the phone first and tried to take computer/phone. Told him that I would be forced to call police if he didn't stop. He put them down.
He started badmouthing me to the kids, loudly. They were clearly stressed, and he didn't care.
He obviously had no interest in seeing the kids. I told him he was welcome to visit as long as he was able to be cordial, but he left in a huff. My poor 5-year-old loves her daddy- she was left sobbing and screaming as he left, calling for him to come back.
This is really heart-wrenching. I am proud that I remained calm and spoke softly.
I'm seriously considering looking into getting a peace bond against him. This is insane. The kids and I haven't done anything to him.
Me-29 H- 28 Together for 6.5 years 2 kids, ages 9 and 5 D-Day: July 15, 2010.
