New Game- Exposed

[CD Bear]

CD,
... I soooo want you understand what it is you need to do next, I also want you to really try to wrap you head around the TIME element here and stop having expectations that your actions are going to yield results now. Even if she stopped her affair right now you would have a very long way to go. The beauty of the plan is that while she is destroying her life, you are making yours better……the thought here is that when she hits rock bottom and she will………… you will be looking better than you have ever looked before. She will think, “what the h@ll was I thinking????”. This is why you need to look at this time as a gift from your wife.

OK. So Thursday is out. Got it.
I understand and will try to be far more patient with this process.
Gift from my wife? Hope she doesn't find out she's unknowingly doing something to help me. She'll be p#ssed

You need to Detach from what she is doing. Detach, detach, detach It means accepting that you have absolutely no control over what she does, what she says, how she feels, or anything else for that matter. Once you get there you can stop focusing on it and it will stop disrupting your life.

I understand but I didn't see how the affair busting 'prevented' real detachment. I get it now. Thanks for that one, too. Until MY life settles down, I can't REALLY start the work on me.

The other reason you need to detach is that in order for you work on You, you need to shed the anger, if you are constantly digging up new stuff on her you are going to constantly feed the anger monster. The anger will get in the way of the real changes that need to take place inside of you.

Now that I've stopped looking at intel; will break contact with OM's W; arranged for as little contact with here as possible; and the exposures are over (for now?), I'm going to work on excorcising the Anger Monster. Without the obsession on HER life, it will be easier to fade it out and settle down.

How is that list coming??? What are her marital complaints???? The reason I ask this is because this gets to the heart of why she had the affair. She probably started out talking to this guy and he was willing to listen……what do you think they talked about???.........that’s right it was you. So…….what did she say in her words, it is not hard to imagine. The thing is some of them may be true, some of them may not…….doesn’t matter they are all true to her.
When you start to look at these things you can start to identify the “whys” and get to the heart of what makes CD tick.

I believe I have posted chunks of this list before. I also have the additional assistance of emails she has sent to me over the last couple years (especially the last 'ILYBINILWY' one.) They, of course, are oversimplified and mention the syptoms rather than "the disease" but there aren't too many layers to that onion. "Lack of sex; lack of physical contact; not feeling loved; etc" It's odd that she couldn't see that I had the same marriage as all of these things are "two way" issues. But that argument is cheeseless. And, as expected, the original arguments/discussions were when we had them. i.e. She would "complain" (tone and phrasing) and I would necessarily "deflect, downplay and defend" (tone and phrasing) (I found 'How to Fix Your Marriage w/out Talking..." immensely helpful in showing me that vicious circle.) I have since seen the same cycle in other books as well. It's a popular word her so I like to use "scripted", too.

My MAJOR contribution to the whole thing was fear of conflict/appeasement; no boundaries to protect my feelings; the resulting build up of resentment; and a few other tendencies/isuues I discovered in "No More...Nice Guy"

This is key to making the changes real, not just “tricks” to get her back. When you make the changes part of who you are not only does your behavior change but the way you feel about things changes also. The work you are going to do now is going to benefit you and in turn make you a more attractive option for your W when the opportunity arises.

Understood. I now see the exposure vs detachment conflict was holding me back.

The books you are reading are great and I can suggest many more, {PLEASE DO!-CD} do not get hung up on the fact that you are reading a book that is geared towards improving your marriage when you do not have the opportunity to put into practice the things that would have made your marriage better before this nightmare began. [This is how I found DR!! Where would I be now without that coincidence?!- CD} These books are good to gain insight into yourself as a man individually which will help you with your growth. You can come back to them later when the time is right.

Ready to go! Looking forward to it. And detachment from her will help me focus the changes to/in ME rather than 'getting her back'. Of, course, my M to her will be my nearest frame of reference but I have other R's I can look at. I have and see some similarities. Also see her last R "interestingly", too.

Warning, as you discover things about yourself you will be tempted to say something to your W…….do not do this it will only push her further away and she will view any changes as an overt act to get her back.

Understood. No problem.

Marching orders are protect yourself financially, physically and emotionally.

Job 1 is to get the Sep Agreement done. She, as expected earlier, is doing nothing to proceed with the D that "she wants". How she stays so thin with all this cake eating.....If I have to do it myself and drag her "to the mediation table" (though my conditions won't leave much to "mediate or negotiate"), I'll do that, too.
Once I know that D and I are "legally protected" from her financilal irresponsibility AND she see's how "real life after D" will look for her, I can relax. Again, her expectations about the "assets" vs "reality" will be a shock

Take care of yourself. Detach.

Already starting. Should get better by the day

Be the best Dad you can be for your daughter.

This will be the easiest and most fun. Only the worry aboyr D when she is with "them" bothers me. My job is to "counter" that.

Start to peel the onion.

Underway. Any "onion peeling" books you or anyone else recommend? Though raised Catholic, religion based (Dobson) or "Frou-frou" language (e.g. wholeness, inner you, 'accept your inner truth' stuff) tends to glaze me over.

I also would suggest keeping a journal just to get your thoughts on paper it will help you later to see just how far you have come.

I'll have to find a place to hide it. I've been using this place for events but I've always journalled when under stress. I've found if you get it out and on paper, when you review it later you can sometimes see what you were missing.

Thanks, MHL. You "sound" pretty solid in your "new skin" so I may rely on you for feedback. I'll have to look into the "Thursday Cocktails" on the alt.

I see there have been 3 or 4 replies to my thread while I was writing the last two so I may be busy catching up with responses today.

Thanks again