tired of this

[A_goodman]

OK,

I am having a little difficulty with the emotions today. No real reason for it. Had a good wknd. Went on an outing W/ the kids that W decided to join us on. It was fun, although, I think I have come to enjoy them better sans W. When it's just the three of us, I feel more free and happy. There's less stress for sure W/O the constant reminder of where we are. Plus we're all boys so we just fly by the seats of our pants and have fun. If they want to jump in the lake and swim, I just stop the car and we go do it w/o having to worry about all the things She does.

For instance, we got to our destination and she spent 10 minutes fretting over all the trash the boys had left in the van. It was comical, it was 100+ degrees outside and she's climbing around the van tidying up. I gave her the keys and turned to go inside. She got pissy about it and I told her: "look, we just drove 3 hours to get here and I don't want to stand in the sun watching you clean the car out. I'll be inside with the kids when your done". She of course felt like I shouldn't just stand around watching and should want to help her. In my mind, they were going to re-trash it on the way home, so the sensible thing was to make them clean it out when we got there. Plus, we had been waiting to get here, why not get to it right away. so I left her to it. She was mad, but got over it. The doormat is gone!

She went out both Thursday night (dancing) and Friday night (dinner and a movie W/ best friend). I blew it off both nights without much emotion. Ditto for the pursuer!

For some reason, today I am getting angrier as the day goes on. I read DanF's post and got really pissed about his impending financial sitch. I was mad already, but in replying to his post, I started really focusing on what is happening to me now and what may lie in my future. It's really not the same either. My W works and makes slightly less than me. We are both highly educated in marketible professions and both have secure positions. So I know I'll fare a little better than Dan, yet it still goes all over me that the system is set up the way it is.

SHE is the sole reason that this is happening. I know that statement is not very empathetic and totally invalidates her "feelings". I realize and accept my culpability. Although her original and onging history revisions and inability to pinpoint concrete needs that are going unmet at MC make it difficult to understand exactly what I'm culpable of. regardless, I understand that I had a big part to play.

But still, it makes me really angry some days that she is so damned selfish that she is risking everything we've worked for, everything we've meant to each other and most importantly the future wellbeing of our boys just for some selfish idea that she'll "finally" be happy. It's BS.

When my kid wants to quit a sports team for whatever reason, we tell him: tough. You joined something and you have to fulfill your committment. the others are counting on you and you have to stick it out. Is that such a hard idea? That's what I equate this to childishness. Selfish childishness.

I'm glad I have this forum. I can get this stuff off my chest here and continue to play it cool at home. But I am really starting to dislike W for all this BS she's visited on me and potentially will visit on our boys.

The train is warming up and the conductor is starting to glance at his watch.