Need Help ASAP (New)

[FindingMyVoice]

Hi LeeSC, Sorry to hear of your sitch; I haven't read all your threads, so my apologies if this misses the mark. A few things just stuck out to me, as being similar to things in my sitch so I thought I might be able to lend some support

Which I did about 2 years ago, I got mad becuase she was stone walling and in anger said it....

She sees that but then when I talk about that she said I dont know what you want me to say.

Yes, I've experienced stonewalling and the 'I don't know what you want me to say' line countless times in my M. So I can appreciate how frustrating and hurtful it can be. What I've learned in my sitch is that people who do and say things like this are so entrenched in hurt and pain themselves, that they use stonewalling like a blanket, to protect them from the possibility of future pain. Believe me, this was difficult for me to swallow when I first heard that theory. But I did keep my mind open to it and found out it was true (again, in my sitch). Before I understood this, I would wrack my brains trying to figure out a way to 'open my husband' up to talking, relating, working together with me on our M but to no avail. Stonewalling is actually an unhealthy kind of boundary that people use, when they haven't learned yet how to create healthy ones. So to try to pry them out from behind their walls is very frightening for them. To them, it essentially leaves them defenseless against possible pain. In my case, the way that helped my H and I begin breaking those walls down, was for me to model more healthy boundaries for him - to learn how speak my thoughts opinions and feelings without blame; to just share myself, openly and honestly and with respect, and finally to teach how I wanted to be treated by the way I treated myself. Once you know more 'what to say' and can model it consistently and respectfully over time, I bet she will to (thus thwarting that annoying 'I don't know what you want me to say' stuff); I know my H has. It's taking a long time, but we are beginning to reconnect in ways that we never did, even at the beginning of our R. Sorry, I know I'm speaking in first person here about my sitch... I'm just hoping you'll be able to take from it, anything that you feel also might work for you in yours.

I have also told her she has no reason to be gone anymore. She says nothing. I told her everything she complained about has been or is being changed, she still says nothing.

This also stuck out to me LeeSC. Now again, I don't know what's gone on in your sitch; what kinds of hurts have happened. So, I'm not trying to minimize your pain, or excuse her from the hurts she's caused in your M. So that being said, from what you're describing to me - her words, her actions, her stonewalling... LeeSC... She is hurting. She is confused. Believe me. I was the one that almost walked away from my M. Granted, I didn't physically leave so if you feel my opinion isn't valid here, I respect that. But my H and I were both about as emotionally 'gone' from our M as people can get without actually walking out the door. So anyways, your wife is behaving very much like I was, when my M was at it's most disconnected. YES, my thoughts and actions were confusing - they confused ME. And when we're hurting, we don't know WHAT to think, feel, say or do. I so admire that you're trying to correct your mistakes and change your life, and I know you wish she would too. But please, please be patient. What you might not realize that as you watch her, she IS changing inside; and as long as you continue your good work improving yourself, she IS seeing you change. But please, let her feel what she needs to feel, and work through it the way she needs to. I know you say 'its so silly', but to her, nothing could be further from the truth. People need to feel their own hurt first, to be able to work past it; if you're the one who show the respect for her by allowing her that, she'll know it. When my H finally began acknowledging my pain, standing by me and listening to it - granted, not allowing me to take it out on him - but truly, over time allowing me to experience my own feelings, that's when I started to feel like I wanted to reconnect and forgive.

So, I don't know if this has helped you any; I really do feel for you. I can appreciate how frustrated you must be feeling. Sorry, I know this is getting long. Take care, FMV.