Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[Lucky11too]

So I definitely called it. H "overslept" on Sunday, but still came down briefly to see S before he took his nap. I'm thinking that when he said that he'll be picking him up, I think he really meant just oome over and see him b/c honestly, he has no idea what to do with S at this stage. So no time to myself, but no having to give up S either.

So I failed miserably yesterday, but I just have to pick myself up and keep going again. When H first came over, it was definitely a little ackward. I was feeding S lunch, so I opened the door for H, he said hi and walked right past me to S. He was all lovey and happy with S, but it was just kind of weird with us. S was supposed to go down for his nap right after lunch, but he was happy to see H, so I let him stay up for a bit. S started playing with his toys and H and I are just talking for a bit and then things just started to heat up. H comes over and just starts kissing me passionately. Given my current strategy, I should have just pulled back, but i didn't, and honestly, I didn't want to. We finally got S down and then things started to heat up more. I'm obviously a little mad at myself for not being stronger against him, but it's definitely hard when I'm as attracted to him as he is to me. On the other hand, it's also good for H to remember what he has so he can realize what he's going to lose. We also talked alot. It's hard to know what is real and what is fluff, but he once again talked as if everything would work out. He talked too about how much he just likes being with me, but then everything else (aka - life!) just gets in the way (hmm, really?). Finally, he talked about how he can't make a committment yet, b/c he needs to figure out what's going on with himself first (he said everything has been on overdrive from his internal anger, ADD, depression). He made an appointment this week to see the ENT dr so that he can get his follow up sleep study done and hopefully get some answers. It's going EXTREMELY slow, but at least he's still moving in a positive direction to try to get help. But my only issue is that you don't have to fully commit to our M again in order to stay faithful now. We still have an inimate R and just like you would in any dating R, you don't have R's with OW too! I think the one thing playing in my benefit tho is that he is so attracted to me and needs me in a lot of ways, so that may be our saving grace to get thru this. Having something to work with is better than having nothing to work with.

I didn't do a lot of talking when H was here, but I was doing a lot of thinking after, and I figured since I already blew it for the day, I might as well send him the text I've been wanting to send him. He mentioned again yesterday how I "don't like his life", so I wanted to set the record straight once and for all. So basically the text went like this. First saying what I liked about his life (his love for his job, his drive to succeed, etc) but then went on to say the one thing I don't like - how he uses his job as an excuse for inappropriate actions. I reminded him again of the pain it causes and why I must stand up so strongly against it. Finally I sandwiched that negative in by referencing the first part of it again as to say the positive, when so often we only talked about the negatives. I was very proud of the text - I thought it was really well written, addressed all the points in a way that I thought wouldn't make him defensive and possibly even make him more sympathetic to my point of view. Unfortunately, I don't know what H thinks still b/c he never responded back to it. Hopefully that's a good thing meaning he took in without having to be defensive and not feeling like he had to lash back out at me.

Overall, I need to get past what happened yesterday and get back on track. I haven't had any desire to look at the phone logs, but I'm sure that I know what's there, given that H hasn't said anything differently. I just want him to understand, but since it's not reversed, he has no idea how it feels, and at some point here, I need to give up trying to convince him. I'll try to be supportive as he continues to get help, but I also need to continue to protect myself as well.

Well, it's a new week and a new start. Let's see what this week holds...