New Game- Exposed

[CD Bear]

...if you get caught by your W at this point that is exactly what she is going to tell everyone that you are acting like and it will further VALIDATE her reasoning for leaving you. You will push her further away.
....…..your wife is still gone…..and at this point it does not matter how many people you convince or who you convince, it is not going to bring her back to you.
....more Intel at this point does not help.
It is that plain…………….let that one soak in.

OK. I completely understand and agree. And whatever lies and stories they are telling abour "us", "me" and "them" will all come out in the wash.

I would send the letter similar to what Grit sent to his MIL, but after that you are done with her too.

Done. And "done".

STOP COMMUNICATING WITH THE OM’s wife. She has served her purpose there is no other good reason within the context of saving your marriage to be talking with her. Every time you talk to her it is going to get back to OM and your W and anyone else that is remotely interested……..makes you look crazy……..actually it is crazy…….your not crazy are you???? If your not crazy now you soon will be if you continue to talk to her. ..It makes you look desparate …………also makes you feel desparate and it prevents you from detaching from the sitch.

Understood. It isn't helping me and it can't be helping her either for the same reasons. I really doubt it will get back to OM and/or W but I agree it is pointless. However, if she finds text evidence (she has the only acess to it) from either OM to her or from his mom to OM that the A is developing cracks, it would be good to know, correct?

Phase I of Super Spy Sleuth is over………..and you did well, in fact you did it perfectly.You graduate with Honors, Puppy send him his certificate please.
Time to shut down the operation, give the 007 gadgetry back to Q.

OK. I appreciate the kind words. I feel that I did "something" but certainly NOT with the perfection of Allen's or Puppy's words. I didn't have the detachnemnt or confidence to REALLY shock her. Though sitting with her mom felt pretty calm. And, someone said here that though my W didn't react like she was affected, the words "went in there and will bounce around for a long time"
So I'll take your accolades and add them to my "good job" file for confidence and pride in myself for the next stage

Time for Phase II……..Making CD a better person.

READY!! (see next post)

[Puppy Dog Tails]

The purpose of Exposure phase is a few-fold:

1) Make every attempt possible to separate the addict from the source of their addiction;

2) Understand the truth of what's really going on, so that you can deal with it accordingly;

3) Give OP's spouse the same opportunity to know and deal with the TRUTH as you have;

4) Establish grounds for a possible legal action, if yours is a "fault" state for divorce, and/or give you guidance for whether or not you want to fight for custody of your kids;

5) Identify if there are any immediate threats to the family (legal/financial, any possible drug/alcohol/gambling addictions, for example) so you can protect you and your children accordingly.

6) Identify what OP is providing emotionally to your spouse, so you can factor that into your "bet the better option" plan.

Once you've done those things, it's time to move on to actually BEING the better option, and working on your GAL stuff just for YOURSELF, regardless of what your spouse decides to do.

I think part of the problem for us guys is, CD, that we are SO "solution-focused," such "fixers" and "doers," that we greatly overestimate our ability to fix the problem if we do summon up the courage to do the things in the Confront-and-Expose phase. Even if we execute them PERFECTLY (and I agree, you've done really well), this is STILL our wayward spouse's decision, and the scary truth is, we really cannot control them ONE WHIT.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

For the record, I do prefer to continue to have an intel system in place, for some of the reasons outlined. But my opinion on that is greatly affected by how much the betrayed spouse can handle it, and how much it may continue to just DISTRACT them from actually moving on to Phase II. Even for myself, I had to change the frequency with how often I checked my intel, going to 1x/week and then even less often than that later on, as it can be addicting in and of itself.

I do NOT advocate just SHUTTING IT DOWN, however, as a spouse in full wayward mode is a volatile cocktail indeed. I'd rather see you check it less frequently, or another option is to ask a trusted and discreet friend to monitor the raw intel FOR you, and only inform you of immediate threads and give you summary reports.

Puppy

[MHL]

Time for Phase II……..Making CD a better person.

READY!! (see next post)

Awesome!!!! Can't wait to read it.

I think part of the problem for us guys is, CD, that we are SO "solution-focused,"

I think it is okay to be solution focused and even a fixer, just that it be on ourselves. Time to redirect the energy inward.

Also, I can't say this enough......TIME.....make sure you allow enough time for all this to happen and evolve.

[SunnyD]

Getting caught up here, CD. So glad you're getting such good advice, as usual, here!

How do you like the Dobson book? Can you tell me what the Campbell book is? I read a reference to it but not sure what that one is.

Hang in there!!! :-) We have to start our Mod Squad!!!

[CD Bear]

CD,
... I soooo want you understand what it is you need to do next, I also want you to really try to wrap you head around the TIME element here and stop having expectations that your actions are going to yield results now. Even if she stopped her affair right now you would have a very long way to go. The beauty of the plan is that while she is destroying her life, you are making yours better……the thought here is that when she hits rock bottom and she will………… you will be looking better than you have ever looked before. She will think, “what the h@ll was I thinking????”. This is why you need to look at this time as a gift from your wife.

OK. So Thursday is out. Got it.
I understand and will try to be far more patient with this process.
Gift from my wife? Hope she doesn't find out she's unknowingly doing something to help me. She'll be p#ssed

You need to Detach from what she is doing. Detach, detach, detach It means accepting that you have absolutely no control over what she does, what she says, how she feels, or anything else for that matter. Once you get there you can stop focusing on it and it will stop disrupting your life.

I understand but I didn't see how the affair busting 'prevented' real detachment. I get it now. Thanks for that one, too. Until MY life settles down, I can't REALLY start the work on me.

The other reason you need to detach is that in order for you work on You, you need to shed the anger, if you are constantly digging up new stuff on her you are going to constantly feed the anger monster. The anger will get in the way of the real changes that need to take place inside of you.

Now that I've stopped looking at intel; will break contact with OM's W; arranged for as little contact with here as possible; and the exposures are over (for now?), I'm going to work on excorcising the Anger Monster. Without the obsession on HER life, it will be easier to fade it out and settle down.

How is that list coming??? What are her marital complaints???? The reason I ask this is because this gets to the heart of why she had the affair. She probably started out talking to this guy and he was willing to listen……what do you think they talked about???.........that’s right it was you. So…….what did she say in her words, it is not hard to imagine. The thing is some of them may be true, some of them may not…….doesn’t matter they are all true to her.
When you start to look at these things you can start to identify the “whys” and get to the heart of what makes CD tick.

I believe I have posted chunks of this list before. I also have the additional assistance of emails she has sent to me over the last couple years (especially the last 'ILYBINILWY' one.) They, of course, are oversimplified and mention the syptoms rather than "the disease" but there aren't too many layers to that onion. "Lack of sex; lack of physical contact; not feeling loved; etc" It's odd that she couldn't see that I had the same marriage as all of these things are "two way" issues. But that argument is cheeseless. And, as expected, the original arguments/discussions were when we had them. i.e. She would "complain" (tone and phrasing) and I would necessarily "deflect, downplay and defend" (tone and phrasing) (I found 'How to Fix Your Marriage w/out Talking..." immensely helpful in showing me that vicious circle.) I have since seen the same cycle in other books as well. It's a popular word her so I like to use "scripted", too.

My MAJOR contribution to the whole thing was fear of conflict/appeasement; no boundaries to protect my feelings; the resulting build up of resentment; and a few other tendencies/isuues I discovered in "No More...Nice Guy"

This is key to making the changes real, not just “tricks” to get her back. When you make the changes part of who you are not only does your behavior change but the way you feel about things changes also. The work you are going to do now is going to benefit you and in turn make you a more attractive option for your W when the opportunity arises.

Understood. I now see the exposure vs detachment conflict was holding me back.

The books you are reading are great and I can suggest many more, {PLEASE DO!-CD} do not get hung up on the fact that you are reading a book that is geared towards improving your marriage when you do not have the opportunity to put into practice the things that would have made your marriage better before this nightmare began. [This is how I found DR!! Where would I be now without that coincidence?!- CD} These books are good to gain insight into yourself as a man individually which will help you with your growth. You can come back to them later when the time is right.

Ready to go! Looking forward to it. And detachment from her will help me focus the changes to/in ME rather than 'getting her back'. Of, course, my M to her will be my nearest frame of reference but I have other R's I can look at. I have and see some similarities. Also see her last R "interestingly", too.

Warning, as you discover things about yourself you will be tempted to say something to your W…….do not do this it will only push her further away and she will view any changes as an overt act to get her back.

Understood. No problem.

Marching orders are protect yourself financially, physically and emotionally.

Job 1 is to get the Sep Agreement done. She, as expected earlier, is doing nothing to proceed with the D that "she wants". How she stays so thin with all this cake eating.....If I have to do it myself and drag her "to the mediation table" (though my conditions won't leave much to "mediate or negotiate"), I'll do that, too.
Once I know that D and I are "legally protected" from her financilal irresponsibility AND she see's how "real life after D" will look for her, I can relax. Again, her expectations about the "assets" vs "reality" will be a shock

Take care of yourself. Detach.

Already starting. Should get better by the day

Be the best Dad you can be for your daughter.

This will be the easiest and most fun. Only the worry aboyr D when she is with "them" bothers me. My job is to "counter" that.

Start to peel the onion.

Underway. Any "onion peeling" books you or anyone else recommend? Though raised Catholic, religion based (Dobson) or "Frou-frou" language (e.g. wholeness, inner you, 'accept your inner truth' stuff) tends to glaze me over.

I also would suggest keeping a journal just to get your thoughts on paper it will help you later to see just how far you have come.

I'll have to find a place to hide it. I've been using this place for events but I've always journalled when under stress. I've found if you get it out and on paper, when you review it later you can sometimes see what you were missing.

Thanks, MHL. You "sound" pretty solid in your "new skin" so I may rely on you for feedback. I'll have to look into the "Thursday Cocktails" on the alt.

I see there have been 3 or 4 replies to my thread while I was writing the last two so I may be busy catching up with responses today.

Thanks again

[CD Bear]

Once you've done those things, it's time to move on to actually BEING the better option, and working on your GAL stuff just for YOURSELF, regardless of what your spouse decides to do.

Thanks, PDT. I was trying to do them simultaneously and couldn't figure out why my GAL'ing and/or 180's seemed so slow in coming. I now see the 'crossed-purposes"

I think part of the problem for us guys is, CD, that we are SO "solution-focused," such "fixers" and "doers," that we greatly overestimate our ability to fix the problem if we do summon up the courage to do the things in the Confront-and-Expose phase.

No contest. GUILTY AS CHARGED!!

Even if we execute them PERFECTLY (and I agree, you've done really well), this is STILL our wayward spouse's decision, and the scary truth is, we really cannot control them ONE WHIT.

Again, thanks for the kind words. I nned to recognize that the world of R's is NOT "cause and effect". I can "cause" a change in MY life but that doesn't preclude that it will have the desired or ANY effect on HER life.

I really liked MWD's line about how one person can change "the dance". But it is oversimplified. The other person can choose to simply continue the "old dance"; choose "not to dance" anymore; or "change partners"

But that also doesn't mean that I can't continue the "new dance" I decided on or that I have to do what she is doing. I'm happy. Still dancing.

Thanks, Puppy.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I really liked MWD's line about how one person can change "the dance". But it is oversimplified. The other person can choose to simply continue the "old dance"; choose "not to dance" anymore; or "change partners"

I think that's a pretty astute observation, CD.

Also, you didn't miss the boat on thinking you were to simultaneously affair-bust and GAL. I can only speak for my own approach, but to put it more accurately than I did above, it is:

1) simultaneously confront-and-expose, while beginning your GALing/180s/"shining a path back towards the marriage."

2) phase out of your intel, decreasing its frequency, while more fully implementing GALing/180s/"shining a path."

It's really Day One that you begin the "look great/smell great" part of your plan.

Puppy

[CD Bear]

I do NOT advocate just SHUTTING IT DOWN, however, as a spouse in full wayward mode is a volatile cocktail indeed. I'd rather see you check it less frequently, or another option is to ask a trusted and discreet friend to monitor the raw intel FOR you, and only inform you of immediate threads and give you summary reports.

Other than the GPS, and chats with OM Wm I don't "have" much intel gathering in place. That is why I suggested installing EBlaster now while I'm still in "Phase I"

And look at it every week or so.

Recommendation? I know it is an affair so proving that is done. All I'd learn is the status or the A; plans to move/shack up; living conditions of D (HUGE); and anything "she/they" be planning legally. But I don't know if she'd do that from her laptop. However, it would be nice to know her Yahoo PWord to watch it, just in case. However, she often uses her Berry email (as well as the Berry Msngr) which I have NO ACCESS to.

I can't decide if the distraction is worth the potential though limited intel.

[CD Bear]

1) simultaneously confront-and-expose, while beginning your GALing/180s/"shining a path back towards the marriage."

2) phase out of your intel, decreasing its frequency, while more fully implementing GALing/180s/"shining a path."

It's really Day One that you begin the "look great/smell great" part of your plan.

OK. I guess I was a little disappointed in the speed at which I was GAL'ing/180's.

Also, though I did get into "look and smell great", and I did "FEEL" better, I was pretty consumed with looking for a reaction

*******I don't think I did "Shining" at all. Still not really sure what that looks like/I need to do*****

And, in retrospect, her involvement in the A would have prevented her from seeing any light.