A month ago I couldn't imagine being intimate with my H. We were beyond disconnected. It was uncomfortable being in the same room.
Sometimes, a H and W need a big dose of reality, like a potential D, to bring the M back into focus so they can decide what they really do want.
Also, I think the most important lesson I learned here was to be the person I want to be - the person I truly am. You don't want to be someone you are not. It's important to know if your spouse wants to be with YOU. I hadn't been myself in a long time.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
For me, and for many women, it has to be a conscious choice. Hormones wreak havoc with age and just the time spent in a R can make things dull. So it really is a choice. Both people are hurt, resentful, angry. Neither wants to be the one to make the first move. Someone has to. My H has lower self esteem than I do. Since he was the one that intiated the lawyer, I decided I needed to do some 180s that would hit hard and fast. One of those was to bridge the intimacy gap. I started by asking him questions about himself, his day. I complimented him. When the atmosphere became less tense and I felt that we could tolerate being in the same room together, I started making efforts to touch his shoulder when I spoke or his arm. One night, things escalated to sx. It still took almost a week after that before he came back to my bed.
It is a hard line to walk - to think about what you would like the goal to be and take baby steps to get there while gracefully detaching and accepting that this M may not work out.
But to answer your question - one person has to take subtle, baby steps to bring the other along while simultaneously allowing them their freedom and validating that yeah, maybe things won't work out.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
We've talked better in the last month than in many many years. We've been kinder, more considerate, more compassionate. She's afraid the attraction won't return.
But she let me give her a really good, full body massage. That must have been hard for her, she's said me touching her is like her brother touching her. And I'm sure that when she went to bed, she expected me to initiate sex. I didn't (though of course I wanted to) because I want to take it slow, baby steps.
I just can't be afraid anymore...Fear is the mindkiller.
Trade off between "taking whats yours", and "respecting her space" is you fall into this brotherly/friend type of position. Most women who I have been with, when they are with me will allow me to "take whats mine", not "rape" - but to strongly initiate...
Where I'm "respecting her space" too strongly and doing the egg-shell bit, its more of a friend/sister role.
I think she's getting to the point where you should initiate strongly, tell her what you want and what your going to do to her. Allow her to do the same to you.
She's been pretty clear that she's not attracted to me. I think that even with her letting me give her a massage (it was safe, kids in the room etc.) if I were to "take what is mine" would have disastrously backfired.
Seriously, I can count on one hand the times we've had any, ANY physical contact since Bomb day...
I'll take baby steps. I can be patient. Love is patient, love is kind...
Love also makes love to their spouse, even if the physical attraction has diminished. Love loves the inside of the person more than the outer view or world image, thus they can be as handsome or beautiful as ever, due to the way they are when most people might not see it.
Dangerous waters to keep chasing one whose not physically attracted. A surefire way to have your libido knocked down, and I wish I didn't know about it.
It may be once again, she will take what she can get without giving much. Same boat as many of us.
Dangerous waters to keep chasing one whose not physically attracted. A surefire way to have your libido knocked down, and I wish I didn't know about it.
I'm actually finding that it's enhanced my drive. In fact, all I think about is having her...
I would have been really put off a few weeks ago if my H had strongly initiated sx. Yes, he initiated D instead, but now we are having one of the strongest, closest times ever in our M.
My guess is we had both reached a point where "forced" sx with the other would have been a turnoff. He was still attracted but resentful. I had no attraction or interest to him or anyone else. We would not even undress in front of each other and slept in separate rooms.
I think pinhead you get that I"m not talking about baby steps forever here - there has to be a meeting of the minds at some point. For me, I think that took about 10 days of baby steps for the first sx, which definitely focuses more on him, and then probably another solid week before it became mutual. If either of us had felt "forced" it would NOT have happened.
pinhead - give her nonphysical attention. If you are getting short respones back away and try again another time. Bring up some memory that will make you both laugh. Don't dwell on it - just put it out there. When you feel the tension melting, start with the touching. When she doesn't pull away from that, take it further.
This is all my two cents and maybe worth only that, but I am a girl even tough I was/am the LBS - who refused to be LB without a fight.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
Dangerous waters to keep chasing one whose not physically attracted. A surefire way to have your libido knocked down, and I wish I didn't know about it.
I'm actually finding that it's enhanced my drive. In fact, all I think about is having her...
It happened the same way to me. A supercharged drive and emotion going to her. After the continual rejection, delay, being told "no", "later", "not know"... It reduced a huge amount.
I know the fix is going to be someone who is saying "yes", with their body and energy - and to get it when I want. Someone who wants me to "take whats mine".
