I guess it is time for me to post my sitch. I have lurked and resisted doing this for a long time. But now I do not know where to go or what to do. Some details will remain sketchy because H hangs out here sometimes.
We have been married 20+ years. One college age D.
We have been in a SSM for many years. He tried many many times in many ways to get thru to me. I wouldn't listen, wouldn't hear. He had hurt me (verbally/emotionally) when I was pregnant with our child and I never felt like he truly loved me after that. And that he resented our baby enormously because of the attention she took away from him. He was more interested in doing his own thing, so I basically just shut down.
About 10 years ago he up and moved out and filed for divorce after doing some hinky things with finances. I was a wreck. I am a stay at home mom and no income of my own. I was petrified. I did all the things you are not supposed to do...begging, crying, pleading, bargaining. Well, he did agree to see a counselor during our "cooling off" phase of the divorce. He decided to drop the D and reconcile.
Things were good for a few years, but in the last 3 things have begun to backslide. He has become more distant and withdrawn. He was hanging out here and on some other forums constantly. Last year I got really suspicious & decided to do some investigating. He is a porn addict. He has had 2 serious PA's and many one nighters and has paid for sex on many occasions. I never new about the affairs before he filed. He would never admit there was anyone else. He denied, denied, denied it. That is one thing about him....he will lie till the bitter end and he is excellent at being a sneak.
We began seeing a MC/ST. She is good and I really like her. His opinion was she spent too much time on our family histories and not enough on OUR sex life. (uh, it's all connected, dude!). She decided after about 5 months that he is a sex addict and that she did not feel she could help him any longer and referred him to a specialist. He refused to go to him. He had started going to SA meetings at her urging. Has gotten a sponsor and seems to be doing quite well with one exception and this is why I am finally here.
He is still trolling craigslist. I have discovered that he has posted his own ad. And the ads he is viewing and his post are for other men. I really do not know what to do or even how to approach the subject. I also am not sure I even want to. I have walked in on him twice in the last 3 years looking at craigslist (then for women) and the last time I tried to make it clear if he does it again that is the third strike and I am done. I guess I wasn't clear enough, or it just doesn't matter to him.
I do not want to give up my intel source until I am ready to finally just call it a day. But I do not know how to approach him about this w/o revealing. Any suggestions? And let me know if I need to move to another forum. This just seems to be the only one that fits right now.
Nope, hon. This is the right forum for your sitch. I am SOOOO sorry for your pain. What you are going through is a very rough road, and I'm afraid it's gonna get tougher before it's all over.
What have you done to protect yourself? In the event it comes to D, I mean. Are you presently working...I understand about the SAHM thing. Have you consulted with an attorney to know what your rights are if you D? Sounds like it's time for a showdown, but you gotta get your ducks in a row before you confront, honey. Not only necessary, but it will help your confidence too. You get one chance to confront properly, so sit tight for some coaching on it.
This just goes to show how we only hear one side of a sitch on this board. I would never have imagined some of the things you've described in your sitch from your h's side, but I've read enough that your story is familiar to me... I'm sure these events were NOT what you had in mind now that you finally have an empty nest. POOP!!
You will receive more help soon...weekends tend to be slow on the boards. You need to send up the PUPPY LIGHT if he doesn't show up soon. Puppy has the experience, toughness and sensitivity (sorry Puppy) to offer advice on strategy.
Hi silverado. Thanks for responding. Sorry for the delay, there was hovering most of the weekend and I was unable to check in.
As far as D, no I have done nothing. Mainly because when all of the affair stuff came out a year ago I was prepared to work on the marriage. I have never considered D the answer. But in light of my very raw and recent discoveries that were left out of all the confessing that went on, I am just beginning to look in that direction. So, I am perhaps going to start checking into that. I know things are about to get waaaayyyy worse.
Originally Posted By: silverado
your story is familiar to me...
LOL! guess I wasn't "sketchy" enough with my details!
Puppy and Allen and Quicksilver all have given some great advice already. And I have read a lot of the advice from them on others' threads. I just don't know if there is help for my sitch at this point, because I really don't even now how to broach the subject to begin with. And am still unsure of what I want to do. I just know I can't live with someone who lies to me. I go to counseling later this week. Hopefully I will get some enlightening there.
Thanks for responding and for the hugs. I really do appreciate it!
I understand about not wanting to live with lies. But that's what addicts do, and your H has a really tough addiction. If you've read the posts here, you know he has such angst/shame over you knowing the truth. Ask your therapist about resources for you. It's great that he is going to SA, but don't they have resources for the spouses/families too? I would also ask if it would be a good idea for you to speak with H's sponsor. It might help him to provide better support if he knew the real truth. SA will also be able to help you with a confrontation strategy on the lying.
Yes, there is a support group for them and MC has suggested I attend. They only have a couple of meetings per week in our area. I have been busy with my own counseling which is a group session and that will be ending in a couple of weeks. I am thinking I might start going once D is settled into college.
I forgot to answer your other question in my reply. I looked for work last fall and got no replies or only rejects. I wouldn't hire anyone that hadn't worked in 20 yrs and didn't have a degree, either! So I went back to school at the beginning of this year. I hope to be done by this time next year and with a job.
He has said that at some point he wants me to meet the sponsor. I probably will not be allowed to talk to him privately though.
