I spent a lot of time this weekend going back to my old posts. It really took approximately 30 days for things to go from crazy to a semi-stable state.
I feel like I’m no longer in the toilet bowl and swirling around in the vortex. Instead, I’m gripping on to the edge of the toilet bowl and I’m clawing my way out of it. In other words, I can actually see myself moving forward.
I read forrest’s comment about how the ball was always in my court. I simply didn’t see it. I was too busy ranting about getting even with my MIL that I completely missed the fact that there was a legal process ahead where I would have to face my h again. I had to get my head on straight in order to deal with that part. It was if I was ranting to avoid facing reality. But the vets knew that if I didn’t have my head on straight, not only will I look really unattractive to my h but I will also make decisions based on my emotions – not a good thing when it comes to the legal process. It was a lose-lose situation.
I still don’t know how forrest managed to get me to stop, drop, and roll. Did I really hit rock bottom?
Looking back, I wasted a lot of time getting myself prepared. The vets were right – I was clearly going in circles. But hindsight is 20/20. I may have to put in some overtime now.
I was surprised when my h said that he saw the gears grinding in my head and that I just wanted to win. It was weird hearing him say that because at that moment, it wasn’t a game anymore. It was for real. And I wasn’t winning anything. In fact, I was losing.
Yes, my h knows me. He always knew I had this competitive spirit in me. It fuels me to do better and that I’m not just a “pretty face”. He also knows that I’m always one step ahead of him. I’m the pragmatic one who thinks things thoroughly, rather than feels.
For me, I often use my competitive spirit to try and inspire others to do better. Call it my version of Jim Collins’ flywheel concept. The better you are at something, the more fun it can be and the happier you will feel about yourself. And it just fuels you. In my marriage, I think this backfired. Instead of inspiring him, it emasculated him because his wife was more often “right” than wrong. He couldn’t get the flywheel to move so he just gave up. I could be mind reading again but I don’t think I’m far off.
I can see that affection and attention are two different things now. I used the terms interchangeably but they cannot be.
I have to really think about how to approach the subject of working out our separation agreement without the competitive “look”. I have to carefully select my words. It’s crucial because I only get once shot at this. I know there will be more face-to-face opportunities but I have to take advantage of all face to face meetings.
My friend victor said it’s more important how I say it. Delivery is key. He also told me to put myself in his shoes. When I say something, how does it come across?
It’s getting late. I will journal some more tomorrow.
