I may have to go deaper into the infidelity thing. We were working in the basment cleaning out some junk when I got a call from a mutual friend about church in the morning. After I went back downstairs and we started working again and a phone started ringing, W sais your phone is ringing again. So when Iwent back up I checked, it was not my phone and my son said it was W's phone. I told her and she checked it, said it was just an email. I don;t think her phone is set to "ring" on email, it usually just "dings". Obviously who ever it was she did not want to return the call while we were all in the house.
I guess what I am saying is that at the first signs of hope do not give up doing what you have learned here about DBing. Do not draw from emotions when it happens. Draw from the knowledge that you have gained to keep doing what is working for your M to continue the positive little signs. I did not mean to imply that what you are seeing are your emotions or to not let them get in your way.
It seems that myself and others I have seen go back to doing the things that are not helpful to the relationship.
Keep the momentum going and the positive signs coming.
I hope this is a little clearer.
You also have to do what works for you in your relationship and make the decisions you think are best. I am not telling you "let them get in [your] way." Those are your decisions.
I am sorry for the poor post, and I hope this one is not unclear either.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
Thank you LSG, for clearing it up, I was not sure but felt that's what you were saying. I have just found myself questioning my judgment a lot lately and am striving for clearity in a very un-clear situation as you well know. Also, I was a little stressed because I couldn't remember where I put my DR book and feared she might have found it. Finally I remembered I moved it to a "safer" place
I didn't have time to backslide before she told me of the filing and that sort of took over and made me take a step back. I do plan to continue DB and focus on what I need to do for me and my kids.
It's funny I was talking with a friend last night and he asked what my plans are. Without thinking I said I have to prepare for my next relationship, weather that be with my W, or someone else, it will not be like it has been!
He was shocked and said he had never thought of it that way. I believe it's true, it can't be the way it was, the old R is over and something new will replace it.
Some confusing things: she asked me to get with the kids and make a list so *we* can go grocery shopping (she usually did that on her way home from work) she asked me if i wanted to go to the movie last night, I said "I guess, I was going to work on getting the last of the equipment sorted out" (then she retracted and asked if it would be ok for her to take them by herself, I said ok, that;s fine.) she commented to the kids that she has wanted to go to church for a long time, and now I'm going every weekend I started helping clean the house, she commented that I never hepled before, why now, I replied "I was busy doing the farm work, but I don't have to do that anymore"
Grocery shopping was enjoyable (being with the kids) but about half way through her mood changed for the worse, like she remembered she was supposed to be unhappy about us being together.
she has been really biting her nails more the last few days (she always has, but this has been worse)
She started discussion with a friend that is a realtor about selling the house instead of her staying in it.
Then she remembers that we need to finish the asset list showing what each of us is taking.
The only comfort in this all was how well I handled the asset list. It was just business, no emotion at all.
I think you are doing wonderful. You are at the exact stage I am (asset list). I went to the movie on Sat and got ambivalent answers too. Don't worry so much about what is said rather than her actions. Whenever my W brings up an idea on how to expedite our D, I just agree with it and say "You have an excellent point there." I put on a happy face and let her know I'd like to help expedite too. This has caused her to say a few things like, I am just playing devil's advocate. Which to me sounds like a backpedal. Backpedaling is the only sign I have seen that she has stopped running further away.
I think you need to keep an optimistic outlook and continue to check out other threads from folks a little further along on the roller coaster.
You can check out my thread in my Sig block.
I also go to this thread to boost my confidence on how it's done:
thanks Chuck, It's really unsettling that one minute I am thinking WTH, how did I really allow it to get to this point, the next I am going room to room deciding if I am taking something or she is and it's ok.
She is still angry, or at least she is using anger to make it easier to get through it I don't know.
dad1, You have to remain calm when they are angry. I tried that for days and the anger was there every day and I was thinking this DBing is full of crap. Eventually though I kept my cool and did not argue. I tried to be as calm as possible and did have some slip ups, but overall I tried to agree with her. "You are absolutely right about me being controlling and you not being affectionate and I should have trusted your instincts on relationships." That was the line I said when I I could not get her to commit one way or the other.
She said she could not decide if she wanted to be in this relationship. I went and filed for a divorce and told her that she was RIGHT that it was unlikely that neither one of us were going to change (even though I don't believe that nor do I want a divorce). In the meantime she has asked to do more family things than I have imagined. I have just started to noticed a change in her but it's like she just started to take notice of me. She has been so self absorbed for months that any notice in my direction is front page news.
Stay positive, Stay happy. My W was goading me into arguments in the car today. I tapped my fingers on the steering wheel to the music the entire time she spewed. I never got to the DB line that "I am sorry you feel this way" but I deflected and got off topic in quick order not to be drawn into anything negative.
Be patient when they are angry. Keep telling yourself that your relationship with this person relies on you not showing weakness nor unattractiveness through any negativity. My W said I was acting giddy even after her spewing. Her demeanor also lightened up throughout the day. Perception is reality. Stay positive no matter what emotion they are giving you and keep the faith.
Last edited by Chuck66; 08/02/1004:43 AM.
Me 44, W 39, S 6, D 6, M 21 Bomb June 18, 2010 I filed D July 20, 2010 W filed counter suit Aug 2 Rings came off Aug 5, 2010
She made a little slip last night. When she goes to bed (at least that since she moved into guest room) she just announces that she is going to bed. Last night, she said "Goodnight, love you (pause)... I'm going to bed". I was the only one up at the time.
Then again, I had to go out of town today and she called "to make sure I made it" - didn't answer but she left voice mail and I returned her call.
Then she called twice later in the day to see if I was on the way home. Seemed happy on all voice mails.
I get home before her and when she comes in - no wedding rings (shes been wearing them) and she is short with me.
Only thing she wants to talk about is selling the house and kid stuff.
Well things just keep going downhill. She has been very distant since her C session yesterday morning.
S16 went to counselor to talk about relationship with W etc. W and S had a big fight Friday so we aske dhim if he would like to go. When he got home today he was telling me that he thought it went well and was looking forward to going back. Then he siad, C told him that is was not right when his mother told him during the argument "he was one of the reasons we were getting divorced!" I can't believe that she would do that, but then again I don't know this women at all. I will have to call C in the morning to see what I need to do about this with him, I told him that is was not right and that I'm sorry she said that.
Also, we had agreed to "keep the D as agreeable as possible" then she shows me the filing and it had the cause as Husband engaged in inappropriate marital conduct". I have done nothing inappropriate and she doen't see why this bothers me so much. I told her if I receive the filing and it is on there I will retain my L (right now L is working by the hour for simple questions and document review).
Also she has "decided" that we will sell the house. I really don't want to try to keep it since I don;t have a job. but what gives her the authority to make these decisions....
