Surviving the Big D STINKS!

[Mrs. A]

So I went upstairs fully-clothed and had the fortitude and presence of mind to say this to Mr. A:

Me: Last night was for old time's sake. It was fun.
J: Stop it.
Me: I'm serious.
J: Just lay with me then.
Me: Lay with you?
J: Yeah, just lay with me.

So I did - fully clothed - and he was touching my chest, which I loved. Then he tried to take it further and I said no. That was an unprecedented boundary for me.

So I said no very firmly and he said ok, and then we were just laying there. And literally like 10 seconds later he said, Well I guess I'll get out of your hair then. And I said, Ok. And then I got up out of bed and he followed. And then he went into the bathroom for a minute.

He came out and said something about switching the cable out of his name. Then he left. I ushered him out. I saw him sit in his car for a minute and then leave.

That was it.

[Mrs. A]

Hi NM. You are so great - thank you for checking up on me!

If you can believe it, I haven't even read my horoscope today. And I usually read Cainer religiously! hahaha!

I'm deflated after last night with Mr. A. I loved it but I really think we need a break from each other. And I need to have my own adventures.

I know I keep coming back to that, but I feel strongly about it. I don't know if Mr. A and I will ever be able to work out our issues. But I DO know that we'll never be on a level playing field if I keep pining for him and letting him have his way with me and he keeps coming back to me like this.

I feel a lot of remorse for what I contributed to our SSM. But I also know I made an earnest attempt to change things before Mr. A left and he opted not to be forgiving.

For the moment, I need to get off this rollercoaster and go SERIOUSLY NC with Mr. A. I miss him like crazy but I'll do it.

[Mrs. A]

Yep, I am definitely feeling embarrassed about writing all that personal X-rated stuff about my last encounter with Mr. A. BUT - I'm keeping it up here so that I can look back at it and remember what NOT to do: on the board AND in real life!!

Ok, so this has been a very crabby week for me because... stupidity with Mr. A. Self-doubting is a confidence killer.

What does that mean? I feel weird about stuff with Mr. A, so now I'm second guessing myself in lots of other ways. Like for example today my part-time administrative assistant (who knows almost nothing about my personal life) asked me if everything is ok. She said I seem distant.

I almost started crying! Granted, I think she crossed a line with that question - but still! Ugh, I am letting off some BAD VIBES.

[Mrs. A]

Maybe I've been reading too much in the Mars & Venus series but I'm going to go on dates (nothing physical!) and see how that works out for me. Newmama also inspires me!

I went out on a date tonight. I guess it was inadvertent. It was my first date since I got really super-serious with Mr. A!

I copied Newmama and went on Meetup.com - but there are NO appropriate meet ups for me. So I had to start my own group. I decided to start a meet up for bad golfers in my area who like the sport and want to practice.

I scheduled it for Friday nights, which says something about my social schedule!

Last week was the first time and there were four of us. This week there was just me and one guy from last week and he paid for me. I need to adjust my pre-Mr. A definition of date because this was definitely a date, there just wasn't anything physical. Yes, Mrs. A, it was still a date! Some people date like that all the time!!!

[Mrs. A]

Well those of you still reading this probably know that Mr. A and I have an intense - and arguably very unhealthy - draw to each other. We have since the beginning. That aside, the man who took me golfing tonight was very nice. I liked him a lot! (Although I don't want to get into anything physical with him at the moment.)

He was smart and a great conversationalist. We have things in common. He was also a new golfer, which is supposed to be a prereq to joining my Meetup group. It was fun! For real!!!

It was also a prime chance for me to try relating to a guy in a different way. That was very interesting and novel.

I hope that Meetup asks me out again. I enjoyed myself! He's cool. I don't feel like much else, but I like being around him. If he just wants to play golf and chat, that will be awesome. We shall see....

In the meantime, I'm planning on getting lots of rest and doing yardwork. This place is a hot mess!

[newmama]

Mrs. A, what a great idea about a bad golfing meetup! Wow, I wonder if I might copycat you!

So Meetup guy was nice- when you say you don't want anything physical, do you mean you don't find yourself attracted? Or you won't be sleazy like me and make out with strange men? (lol! hey, I lost a few cards in the deck from this whole DBing fiasco!)

About you second guessing yourself in life right now...it seems completely normal (doesn't mean that it is RIGHT) for you to be "off your game" for a bit. DIVORCE is one of the top stressful things ever, right? But your plan to rest up this weekend sounds wise- and take out some anger on those weeds and branches!

[Gardener]

Mrs. A,
Been following along.
If you put it all together, you may find that you are right on:
A

I'm deflated after last night with Mr. A.

+B

I DO know that we'll never be on a level playing field if I keep pining for him and letting him have his way with me and he keeps coming back to me like this.

+C

...But I also know I made an earnest attempt to change things before Mr. A left and he opted not to be forgiving.

=

...I need to get off this rollercoaster and go SERIOUSLY NC with Mr. A.

My $.02 as a man, fwiw...

Peace,

[ClingingToHope]

Don't be so hard on yourself. It's hard to turn down a call like that.

[Mrs. A]

Gardener, I'm so glad you're still here - thank you! Yep, definitely NC with Mr. A. It's the only possible way for me to keep (a shred) of my sanity. That doesn't mean I'm not thinking of him... BUT - he doesn't need to know that!

Gotta catch up on your thread!

[Mrs. A]

Hi CTH,

Hopefully it won't be so hard to turn down the next time! I think maybe I'm starting to learn something???

But thanks for giving me a pass!