Hey that sounds good but becareful my wife has told no one about affair!! I have told one other person and our MC knows. Do I know if it's still going on no, but she told me at our last MC secession W wasn't going anymore and still has the fake in love feelings for OM even though she said she didnt want to!!
Maybe she will come out of the fog before the big D is final. As far as looking for intel it just eats at me, so I've pretty much stopped.
Maybe she is telling the truth as this did happen to her with her ex the only difference is she wasn't married & we didnt have kids of our own. So becareful and hope for the best that's all we can do.
The other thing when I did bust the affair!! I did tell W that if she did end up with OM I didn't even know if I wanted her friendship (I know harsh but till this day I still don't know if I could be friends) probably over time but it would take an awful lot and believe me everyone would know the truth.
See I invited this guy in my house cause wife said he was a friend ate, drank, & even hung out with my S. Then I found all this shi* out later see OM lived in FL with his W, so supposedly he was gonna work with his W then moving up here sometime for his job. I don't know any more.
I told my XW for years that if something happened like if she D me, etc. I would be gone, no friends, nothing. It was her greatest fear not having me in her life somehow. When she told me she no longer wanted to work on things with me and was filing, I told her that whether we were friends or not depended on how she was during the divorce.
Things went pretty smoothly as far as the D, but after the D was final, I just could'nt be friends. I decided to play it safe and work for a fair D.
Formerly SGfan M:38 W:33 M:8 yrs T:10 yrs Bomb: Dec '08 Separated: 4/18/09 Divorce: 8/28/09 XW Affair began: April 08
OK, I know, I know, no relationship talks. But she brought it up. And not only did I validate, but she asked me a lot of questions.
First, there's no affair. None. I am totally convinced.
Second, she's afraid of trying counseling forever, but she hasn't ruled it out. She just needs to know the details, how it'll work, not like our last MC who really wasn't very good. So I'm going to call my pastor in the morning and see if he can recommend a very pro-marriage counselor. I even mentioned Retrouvaille.
The big thing she's scared of is an open-ended commitment to perpetual counseling. So we'll have to set some type of checkpoints to see how things go. I don't want to be in counseling forever, but I also don't want a divorce! I know that my love for his is stronger than ever, but she feels that she's lost that attraction for me.
Can anyone give me some advice? Not the typical DB/DR stuff, but what to ask when looking for a counselor, etc?
She hasn't said yes, but all of our other stuff is kind of on hold. I said we've been the best friends since this all started, something we didn't have when we were dating; that we're listening better than ever, that we are showing concern and compassion better than ever. She agreed to all of this, but she doesn't know how to bring back the spark in our R.
Then we went inside, and while our girls were watching their pre-bedtime show, the W let me give her a massage. She was really wary, and probably expects me to try and jump her bones when I go to bed, but I'm not going to. Baby steps.
Gah, I hate this rollercoaster.
What started it all was that she was talking about our R, and asked me point blank what I wanted. Taking a deep breath, I told her that not only do our two daughters deserve us really trying to mend this, but I do, and she does. That I wanted to be able to tell our daughters in 10 years that we had tried our best.
She said, "Don't you think that it's bad for them to see us unhappy like this?" and I said, I think that seeing us working on our R, seeing that a R needs TLC and hard work, is a better lesson than just throwing our hands up now...
My heart is so heavy. I'm afraid that in the morning she'll say she can't.
I have been trying to keep up, but isnt this a lot better than where you were at days ago? Like you said baby steps. If you find a good MC from what I ahve heard they will help guide you back to a better M. Again both parties need to be in it. So I would say dont pressure her, give her time to really think about it. I will be praying for you both.
dsh- yes, it is a much better place than before, but I have to keep my hopes from soaring too high. This morning she didn't mention it at all, but she was friendly etc. Just have to see how this week goes. I'm hoping my pastor will be able to steer us to a better MC than the one we previously saw.
PDT - I think that was the paranoia from being alone for three days coupled with my need to have a definitive explanation for her behaviour. A good friend who knows both my W and the guy I suspected said no, there's nothing there.
I really think this is a case where she felt so alone and detached from me for so long, coupled with hitting an age where you start to question your life. Add in working with some women who are all into becoming more independent and healthy (exercising) and it's a perfect storm.
When she was asking what I meant by "trying," she threw out some questions. Separation where we date each other? Staying together with MC? She just doesn't want the status quo to persist, the status quo of the time before the Bomb.
pinhead - see if you can find a therapist who does "internal family systems." A friend of mine tried it and she and her H (he had an affair and other issues) are still together several years later. I was considering it as we have been to 3 MC and I really don't think any of them helped "the marriage" thought the last helped me deal with some of H's traits. My friends therapist gave them exercises to do at home which none of ours did.
There is also a section in DR on finding the right therapist.
My H and I were extremely detached before the big blowup. I feel closer to him now than I have for a long time, so it is possible for that to turn around. The harder part, which we all know, is sustaining it. It really takes persistant vigilence.
fyi - my friend's therapist also suggested they separate for a while (they have 2 kids) and only see each other once a week for about 6 weeks, then they started a date night, then he moved back in after a few months.
I was fortunate enough to have dated a long time before marriage, so I know no R is perfect or problem free. It's more about what problems do you want to deal with? So I did have to set some very firm boundaries the first couple of years, and then life and the usual drama caused distance (and the ssm which I felt like I was the only one trying to fix even though it wasn't the first thing on my mind). So here we are - and I still don't know where here is but I"m going with the flow for now.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
My biggest concern is pinning my hopes on being able to rekindle her affection/attraction to me.
Separating and then dating will be tough for us, both financially, and because we both want to be involved with our daughters as much as possible. We'll be seeing each other almost every day.
It seems as if she just wants space, nothing legal yet. So, I have to keep my hopes up, without going crazy like I did this weekend.
