Ok. My aunt from italy skyped me today to see the baby and to congratulate me on the baby... here is how the conversation went...
Congrats... Blah Blah Blah... all the good happy stuff and me going on about how much i love the baby and cant get enough of him...
So happy to hear H is so involved and helping out... send him my luv... (thanks, very thoughtful, too kind)
Hope one time that we skype I could see H too (really... ok i do know that my aunt truly adored H, but ok... a but strange)
One day you will fall in love so deeply and this guy will fulfill your life and do some much for you and love you entirely (ok... not the time and place, but i understand your wanting for me to be loved and adored, like i did H.)
and when this other guy loves you, you can have more kids, have your family and be happy (ummm... really dont want to hear this...)
my reply, i have the love of my life right here,and hug the baby...
...then she came in with the killer
And then you will realize that your H never truly loved you and what you had wasnt real...
(what a way to ruin my day and remind me of my loss... needless to say the conversation ended and i am now in tears...)
who am I kidding... H, which i should probably type out as STBXH, butjust cant bring myself to admit it, didnt love me, at least not enough... AND if his feelings werent resurrected when the baby was born they never will...
Its like all of the pain is still there... i just dont have time to deal with it, and dwell on it like i used to but the truth is he did stop loving me... he did file for Divorce... he did leave me... and the boy too.
I dont understand, why I put myself through this... I really should not even think of H, i should accept that he left and never want him back...
seriously i dont even have the time, or the energy...
a tiny part of me doesnt think i could ever fully forgive him or love him the same or trust him, so why am i still hanging on... i am in love with a ghost... one who no longer exists...
and H... well, who doesnt like being admired and loved. I am his security blanket... his baby mama... i often wonder how things would have been different if there were no baby involved... would be be divorced by now... would i live somewhere else other than our home... would i be able to hate him and get over him... maybe if i didnt dream up a future with him, things would be differnt...
its really hard to pick myself up when even at the happiest time of my life, i will always be seen by others as that girl... and the baby too.
I do know one thing... The pain, the hurt, the lies, the deciept... if i had to go through it all over again to have this beautiful baby boy in my arms... would I do it... ABSOLUTELY.
