Still trying to find my way

[Vulcanized]

While my C may not know the future, I feel that I do. And I don't see myself ever dating or anything. Honestly, I have never dated, I don't know how to. I take rejection very personally, and I tend to latch onto people and want more from them than I should. So I'm just not dating material. Let me explain.

You can date w/o getting so serious. Have coffee, go to a bookstore, take a walk, etc. Date. Not be in a dating 'relationship' w/just one man.

The thing that *will* make you dating material is some practice. You can carry on conversation w/others, I presume? Then you can do the exact same thing w/a man.

H was my first and only boyfriend. Keep in mind, we met when I was a few months shy of age 21. He was my first kiss, first date, first lover, first everything. I pursued him, looking back I can see how that didn't work out so well for me at the time but in the end he still chose me so I don't regret everything that happened from the time we met until the time we got serious. Yes, there are some things I wish I'd done differently and things that I wish had never happened. But hindsight is always 20/20 and sadly I am not one who seems to learn from the past.

This is something you should work on then. Your personality isn't fixed. Up until I reached my late 20's, I was incredibly shy. Worked on it, now I'm shy, but 80% less.

The point is once, I met H and got to know him, that was it. I decided he was who I wanted so I latched onto him and hung on until I got what I wanted: him. The times he rejected me I felt pain similar to what I'm feeling now, but he always came back to me and I would forgive him for hurting me because my heart had decided he was the one for me. And I can very easily see myself doing that to any other man I meet.

Again, something to work on. Maybe interacting w/many different men will help you to not attach to just one. Maybe the experience of meeting and interacting w/men, and having them vie for your time and attention would be helpful to you.

So that is how I know already that I won't meet guys or date or get married again. I am too intense, too insecure and too co-dependent to have a relationship.

Then again, this is something that you need to work on. Dismissing these things as "that's just the way I am" is shirking responsibility. I understand that you are what you are, and there are things about your nature that you can't transcend, but there are plenty of things that you can change.