I can relate to everything here. And after many months of doing this stuff, GL's advice is tempting. In my sitch, I'm pretty sure it will not change H's mind or make him re-think anything if I let him go. He has said (and I always kind of knew) that my attitude (DB) over the past few months told him that I didn't seem to care about him or our M very much b/c I seemed "fine" with it all, went GALing, etc. I've reminded him a few times when it's been appropriate (i.e., not pursuing or starting a conversation, but when he questioned what I really wanted) that I do not want a D, but he interprets my actions otherwise and seems further convinced that I don't want him, never wanted him, and my actions now demonstrate that. Esp since he's been inactive for 5 months after saying we had to D ASAP and I'm sick of the limbo and need to move in some direction, so now I'm the one taking action.
I put down a deposit on an apartment. I was not planning to do it right now, but I did. I have been looking since May, but am very reluctant to take this final step. For reasons too complicated to go into here, even though I didn't want a D, I am the one who has to move out - but that feels like I'm the one giving up on the M if I go. But I see no signs he's willing to accept responsibility for his part, forgive me anytime soon (b/c I'm blamed for everything), or be nicer to me, willing to work on things, etc. So I'm reluctantly having to move forward as I don't want to be in limbo forever.
I am questioning whether I should stay for 3-4 more months, since I can (hard stop after that at which I have to move). I'm scared of how we tell our young daughter, of making the final step in moving out when it wasn't what I wanted... OTOH, had a convo w/H yesterday and was reminded AGAIN that I will, sadly, always be blamed for everything, I "did this" to him, etc. I just sat there and took it b/c there's no point in arguing. And it was exhausting.
I really think we need to get custody and other stuff lined up before I move. I want to consult someone about co-parenting, etc. but H says he does not want to see anyone to help us do a co-parenting agreement and thinks we can "figure it all out" on our own- schedules, how to tell D, etc, which worries me. I want professional advice on this and don't trust him to not say something totally wrong or inappropriate to her.
I don't know how far in advance to prepare her either. She's preschool age and doesn't have a good concept of time. I don't know what to say or anything. I can go see someone myself, but H may not take that advice if he doesn't hear it directly. I've got some books about it, but he never reads anything. I'm willing to put in the work and do it all just to get things right for her, though. That's more important to me than who does what.
Anyone with little kids out there want to share how they told them, or if you got professional advice, what they said you should do??
It seems like several of you are also in my boat: "I need to move on, but this wasn't what I wanted and now *I'm* the one leaving b/c I can't stand the limbo anymore". It sucks to have to take this step and move out, but I don't know what else to do.
