My New LBS Reality

[irishblessings]

This morning S and I were finally the only ones at home! No friends, family, etc. Of course we have our new baby boy Gabe (our lab puppy) - but we were able to finally just talk.

We talked about grief and the grief process and that we both are experiencing it. Talked about the structure of our day-to-day in this new life. What we need to do - how we need to do it. Talked about our fears regarding the future and what we needed to do to help each other through it. Asked each other questions about what was "real" and what wasn't. He talked about what he thought his dad was going through and he said that what he thinks is that dad wasn't happy with himself. I let him keep talking because once a 16 year old boy actually finishes a complete sentence with his mother and moves on to another one ~ it's a gift:)!!!
I was moved by his intuitiveness. He said "Mom I think Dad was happy as a husband and as a father but I think he questions whether he had too many kids."
My heart stopped. I said "Honey - nothing could be further from the truth. I said that many people hit a point in their lives where they look in the mirror and don't like what they see or what they have or what they have done. At that point they start changing a lot of things to see if it makes them happier or feel better. But ultimately most come to realize that the changes have to be inside - you can't just change jobs, homes, spouses, etc. But sometimes people don't come to that realization and they live the rest of their lives trying to "find a fix." I told him that I pray everyday that his dad will come around and see what we had or could have but that in the meantime we needed to "act as if" it wasn't going to happen and begin to set up a new way of living for us. But I also told him that I am standing for my marriage from a compassionate distance. He said - what does that mean? I told him that I believed in my marriage vows and I didn't believe divorce was right for me. I said your dad may believe that divorce is right for him and he has the right to feel that way as well. So when two people believe very different things - you can't try to change each other - you just have to be respectful and take care of yourself to make sure you limit the amount of hurt you expose yourself to. I told him that I didn't plan to see or talk to his dad for awhile but that I wasn't going to date or look for anyone else. I would love his dad from a distance and let him have this time and space to figure things out for himself. I told him that what I really wanted to do was to throw myself into H's arms, beg, cry, convince, etc. - but that doing that would not be the right thing to do. S understood and we talked more about him being scared that his dad had gone "crazy" or was mentally ill. He said that he had told the counselor that in his session. I said "S - do you know how hard your dad worked when he was young to be a star athlete? Do you know how that's all he ever did and that's all his family every focused on? Well - your dad sees that he was successful that way. I, on the other hand, always wanted to have more balance in life and I think that your dad saw that as me being disrespectful of him. And in hindsight - maybe he was right. I have just always wanted us to work hard and be happy and enjoy each other. I think that now your dad is trying to focus all of his effort and work on his own life in order to be happy - because that's what made him successful as an athlete." This seemed to make sense to S but the last thing he said was "it seems like a lonely life to me." I said "Honey, what's great is that you get to discover what kind of life you want and then go after it!" He hugged me / left to meet his friend / and I sobbed.

It's August 1st ~ and my S and I are moving forward.