I'm not sure his decisions are coming from unfulfilled expectations. There comes a point where you know you have done all you can do and it's time to walk away.
You know when that time comes. Mine came already. Did it completely shut off any desire I had to reconcile my M? Hell no. But I am done. There is no effort from me in saving my marriage.
All my effort is going to me and my kids. I will make the best life for myself and my children - and I don't care if I drag her and her family through the coals to get what is right.
Only a fool hopes for something he cannot have - some people will go to their graves holding onto the martyr mentality that they will be 'married' till they die... even when their spouse has moved on, married someone else, and has absolutely no contact with them. Is that healthy? Hell no.
It reminds me of a story I heard years ago...
A Japanese man was courting a woman. He was very in love with her and deeply committed to his principles. He promised her he would meet her at a certain bridge at a certain time.
When that day came, a terrible monsoon hit. The man, holding onto his commitment, set out into the storm. He made it to the bridge and waited. The storm got worse and the water began rising to a dangerous level. A lone stranger crossing the bridge warned the man he should leave. The water would soon overtake the bridge.
The man did not listen. He felt because he told the woman he would meet her, he must be there. His word is his honor and to not keep his commitment would be shameful.
The water kept rising but there was no sign of the woman. The water finally overtook the bridge and swept the man away to his death.....
Some would say he was a man of principle and held it until his end... Me, I say he's an idiot.
Kicking the dirt off your feet, turning your back and walking away may be the very thing that wakes up the WAS. Or maybe not. NOBODY EVER KNOWS. I'm definitely not a believer in any form of action that is looking for a reaction. It's all just crap. An illusion.
You do what is right. You do what you can do. When that is done, you move in a different direction.
He did what he could do. He exposed the affair to everyone he could think of. He put his ass on the line. He found out that family is usually no help to the LBS - remember, that woman came from their genes and their role modeling... it doesn't surprise me when the family acts exactly like the WAS. They are all running the same programming.
Now what is he supposed to do?
I say he stops, looks over his work, exclaims he can do no more, cut off the people who are unhealthy, grieve, then build...build the shite out of his life. Build the best life he can dream of.
If the WAS looks back, they look back. You deal with it if it happens. If they never look back, then it doesn't even matter - because you have held your head high, fought for what was right, did everything you could do, then continued to build a marvelous life for what was left of your family.
Is there anything else?
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
I looked through the Campbell book online and saw the "reactions based on my expectations". It's funny you brought that up because I had mentioned the same thing to a freind this afternoon whose D is dragging on 3 years.
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
Look your W had an A. She is behaving like an idiot. You have done a great job at all this stuff... You have. So Now how does it feel to walk away? You stood up for yourself and you didn't get what you wanted? What do you control?
I did what I could with DB. It wasn't perfect. But I did something. It didn't work. I control nothing. And I've hit the wall. No results. Feel crappy walking away but I have to protect myself and get my life back. This existence is even worse that the marriage.
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
Right now your choice to leave is based on a reaction from an expectation she didn't fulfill (coming back) That Is what I mean being a victim of bad behavior. Make the choice for YOU. You can only answer that by digging inside you... for what you believe.
I believe that a marriage-especially involving children and NOT involving physical abuse-is not something you quit. Worse still, betray through infidelity. Things not working? Get some help. After all that and still no hope, then maybe D is LAST option. But to decide to quit (after contemplating/going negative for 2 years!?) and putting in no REAL effort other than the same cheeseless, more of the same "complaints" and simultaneously distracting yourself from "your own issues" by hooking up with someone else is completely despicable.
So what do I believe? Marriage and my W should be fought for. I understand that she is heading for a world of disappointment and hurt. And she is dragging my D with her. I am a protector. I'm the oldest brother.
But that doesn't make me feel any better. My effort has done nothing. No one is better off than before.
I have a better personal understanding and attitude about what is happened; is happening and will happen.
I wish I could do more; something else; get a better result.
You said it much better than I (sorry, emotionally drained) but I'm walking away from the rope. I have to go in a different direction. I'm afraid if I stay this close, she;ll grab onto me as she goes over the cliff.
I have to go in a different direction. I'm afraid if I stay this close, she;ll grab onto me as she goes over the cliff.
I believe that is true.
One of the downsides to affair busting is that you do not detach while you're doing it.
Impossible to do it.
You are snooping, getting intel, etc.
All the focus is on your W and what is going on and how to stop it.
Now
As I said in my first post to you,
There is a difference in moving on and moving forward.
Originally Posted By: steady
There comes a point where you know you have done all you can do and it's time to walk away.
Agree. Only you know when that is CD
BUT
I submit that YOUR work and healing begins when you drop the rope and detach.
You will be amazed at the things you see and learn when you do that.
I am going to be lazy and quote this dude who posted yesterday and think is sums up what I want to share with you pretty well.
Originally Posted By: Bruce1
what is critical is to see what happens in our lives as learning opportunities. What is it you need to learn from this experience? Until you figure that out, you will keep spinning in circles filled with anger, frustration, and sadness. Let that go and figure out what you need to learn. We are bigger than our roles as spouses, parents, workers, etc. Inside each of us there is a core. Move toward that core and the other stuff shrinks in importance. It's not narcissim. Rather, it's an essential journey to wholeness. You will be better for yourself, your kids, and anyone else in your life if you have a deeper sense of yourself.
This ^^^^^^^
Is a process CD.
And it takes time.
And you have time right now.
Protect yourself in every way from being hurt.
Financially, legally, emotionally etc.
Then
Get to work...
And make your decisions from a place of strength rather than weakness, resentment and self doubt.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
CD, I will be back later tonight, I wanted to post yesterday but ran out of time, sorry I am still in the trenches also. I want to tell you something real quickly.......
TIME
This stuff takes TIME......
You expect to do something and then see the results immediately....Not going to happen dude, no way, no how, notta.
You will not see the results of what you have done up to this point for weeks maybe months.......
Patience my friend.......please understand you have done great so far, the work that needs to be done now is totally inside you.
I will be back later.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
And for some reason I got a feeling in my gut that they will get their own little place soon. Don't know why but it popped in my head. Gotta get the GPS back in the truck. Toying with eBlaster but they don't have to do anything secret so I doubt she uses the laptop much. And I'm not sure I'd want to see whatever she does use it for? Am I being chickenshlt? Should I do it anyway?
CD, Good to hear you are back from vacation, let’s not tear down all the benefits of that downtime, so were gonna go ahead and get your 2X4’s out of the way now…….
You are fabricating this crap in your head and actually contemplating an action based on something you have concocted in your mind. This is nuts, crazy, whacko whatever…..why am I calling you these names?
Because if you get caught by your W at this point that is exactly what she is going to tell everyone that you are acting like and it will further VALIDATE her reasoning for leaving you. You will push her further away.
Listen, Grit just said it to you……You are here for a reason……..You want to save your marriage……you love your wife…….right???? BRAVO……me too. However, proving just how unfaithful she is or how crazy she is acting is not going to get her back, right???
I don’t know what you do, but let’s pretend you’re a lawyer and you are pleading your case to the Supreme Court (also have to pretend you’re here in the states LOL). You have all this evidence, airtight case, no way anyone could possibly argue with you, yes your wife cheated, yes it started long ago, yes she might be doing this, yes she might be doing that………guess what………….. The Supreme Court just ruled in your favor……….YOU WIN…..right????? Wrong…..your wife is still gone…..and at this point it does not matter how many people you convince or who you convince, it is not going to bring her back to you.
More Intel at this point does not help.
It is that plain…………….let that one soak in.
I would send the letter similar to what Grit sent to his MIL, but after that you are done with her too.
Originally Posted By: CD Bear
Interesting you said just that. OM's W and I just went back and forth on this exact same thing.
Next, 2x4…..sorry dude but you are action oriented at this point so we gotta change your actions because they are speaking louder than your words.
STOP COMMUNICATING WITH THE OM’s wife. She has served her purpose there is no other good reason within the context of saving your marriage to be talking with her.
Every time you talk to her it is going to get back to OM and your W and anyone else that is remotely interested……..makes you look crazy……..actually it is crazy…….your not crazy are you????
If your not crazy now you soon will be if you continue to talk to her.
Look I get it, I did the same thing when I contacted the wife of OM#2. It is a sick twisted connection to our wives, you desparately want your wife back in your life so bad that you will continue to talk to the wife of the man that is with your wife. It makes you look desparate …………also makes you feel desparate and it prevents you from detaching from the sitch.
Phase I of Super Spy Sleuth is over………..and you did well, in fact you did it perfectly.
You graduate with Honors, Puppy send him his certificate please.
Time to shut down the operation, give the 007 gadgetry back to Q.
Time for Phase II……..Making CD a better person.
I hate long posts, so I am going to break this up.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
CD, Sorry to be harsh on you up there but I soooo want you understand what it is you need to do next, I also want you to really try to wrap you head around the TIME element here and stop having expectations that your actions are going to yield results now. Even if she stopped her affair right now you would have a very long way to go. The beauty of the plan is that while she is destroying her life, you are making yours better……the thought here is that when she hits rock bottom and she will………….. you will be looking better than you have ever looked before. She will think, “what the h@ll was I thinking????”. This is why you need to look at this time as a gift from your wife.
You need to Detach from what she is doing. Detach, detach, detach……what does this really mean? It means accepting that you have absolutely no control over what she does, what she says, how she feels, or anything else for that matter. Once you get there you can stop focusing on it and it will stop disrupting your life.
What is the worst case scenario that could happen, go ahead think about, play out all the implications, ramifications and anything else…..great if the worst happens you have already expended the mental energy on how to deal with it, anything less is even less impactful and again you have already mentally dealt with it. No need to worry about it, right?
The other reason you need to detach is that in order for you work on You, you need to shed the anger, if you are constantly digging up new stuff on her you are going to constantly feed the anger monster. The anger will get in the way of the real changes that need to take place inside of you.
How is that list coming??? What are her marital complaints???? Not what you read in a book, not that the books we suggest reading are not good but really what would she say? The reason I ask this is because this gets to the heart of why she had the affair. She probably started out talking to this guy and he was willing to listen……what do you think they talked about???.........that’s right it was you. So…….what did she say in her words, it is not hard to imagine. The thing is some of them may be true, some of them may not…….doesn’t matter they are all true to her.
When you start to look at these things you can start to identify the “whys” and get to the heart of what makes CD tick.
This is key to making the changes real, not just “tricks” to get her back. When you make the changes part of who you are not only does your behavior change but the way you feel about things changes also. The work you are going to do now is going to benefit you and in turn make you a more attractive option for your W when the opportunity arises.
The books you are reading are great and I can suggest many more, do not get hung up on the fact that you are reading a book that is geared towards improving your marriage when you do not have the opportunity to put into practice the things that would have made your marriage better before this nightmare began. These books are good to gain insight into yourself as a man individually which will help you with your growth. You can come back to them later when the time is right.
Warning, as you discover things about yourself you will be tempted to say something to your W…….do not do this it will only push her further away and she will view any changes as an overt act to get her back.
Marching orders are protect yourself financially, physically and emotionally. Take care of yourself. Detach. Be the best Dad you can be for your daughter. Start to peel the onion. I also would suggest keeping a journal just to get your thoughts on paper it will help you later to see just how far you have come.
Take Care CD.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Grit and MHL are right on. It is human nature to want what you can't have. Women are attracted to strong confident men.
You've have executed Phase One beautifully from the get go.
Phase Two is your turn to work on yourself. Get back to the CD that attracted your W in the first place. Time to take focus off her and put it on you. You've already proven you've got what it takes. Be the man that proves your W was crazy to leave.
