New here but learning slowly. Advice appreciated

[Albuquerque]

I felt it was about time to discuss my story. I’ve been lurking on various MLC sites for some time and it has been SO helpful to hear everyone else’s stories. There is great comfort in knowing we are not alone in our troubles.
I’m 37 and have been married to H40 for 15 years. Last January, he attended a conference he works at every year. During this time, he informed me that he had some anxiety attacks (a new thing). The conference is always hard work for him and he’s under a lot of stress, so while concerning, it seemed understandable. My D13, and I went up to see him a few days later. He seemed amiable enough but a bit distant, something I chalked up to stress. Once he returned home, he seemed very distant. I knew something was wrong but he never said anything. Finally, in February, I got fed up and asked if he was ever going to tell me what the hell was up with him. That’s when I got the ILYBINILWY speech coupled with major revisions in our history. Up to that point, I felt we had a great, solid marriage. Like most of you, I was floored. I got angry, then depressed, then desperate. But as you all know, nothing seemed to help. He told me he intended to move out and even told my D. But no action occurred until I got fed up again in March. I was still so confused and couldn’t understand his actions. I kind of forced the issue of him moving out and he did so.
For a while after that, I continued to do everything wrong according to DB. It wasn’t until on a whim, I googled MLC that I realized what the hell was going on. In a way, I was relieved. I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t crazy. And for once, things made sense. However, at the same time, the prognosis was made more clear for me and I realized this wasn’t something that was going to be resolved anytime soon, if ever. I read DB as well as other books and realized that everything I had done to that point had only made things worse. My outlook changed. My actions changed. I realized I had to concentrate on me and my D13.
It’s been hard. Since my realization, we’ve gotten along good although our conversations are very superficial. When I have to work long days, he watches my D at our house. He often makes dinner and we have nice family meals. But then other times, he falls into his MLC phase. Only recently, I’ve realized there’s OW in the picture. It appears to be a relatively new thing and he doesn’t know I know. But unfortunately, he’s not good at lying. I knew immediately. She lives in a completely different state and they met at the conference. He initially went to that city (according to him) to do some contract work (he’s a software developer) and it was mostly true since when he came home, he showed me some websites he set up. But more recently, I believe she came here to visit and he’s already set up another trip back to that city (supposedly for more software work). But since the trip is mainly a weekend trip, that really doesn’t hold water. Dealing with that realization was very difficult. I was SO tempted to get upset or tell him that I knew. But I chose to remain calm and think on it. As a result, I’ve realized that if he wants to tell me, he’ll do so. Any other actions on my part would be pointless.
He’s been slowly moving more and more away from me. Even before the break up I had started doing triathlons. I’m not very good yet, but I get better each race. My first race of the year was shortly after he moved out. Yet on his own, he chose to attend. That was refreshing. As I approached the finish line, I literally burst into tears thinking about all that had happened to me and the strength that it had taken to continue training. The next race, he INTENDED to maybe go to but ended up sleeping in and didn’t make it. But he called and asked about it and apologized for not being there. The next race was out of state but he still called and asked about it. I had another one yesterday. This is the first one post OW. He never mentioned it even though he knew it was scheduled. He came over later to help D13 with computer stuff and said “good job” and asked superficially how the race was, but I could tell he really didn’t care so I kept my answer polite but short.
I’ve always considered myself a strong person and I think I am doing about as well as I can do. When I’m feeling overwhelmed, reading others’ posts have helped a lot. I realize that the OW is a part of the MLC but it doesn’t make it much easier. I have a few questions for those of you who have been dealing with this a bit longer than I. First, what have you chosen to tell family members? I’ve only briefly discussed MLC with my sister. I think I will be calling her and giving her a total lesson in the horrors of MLC just so that I have someone else that I can talk to that might be able to understand. Unfortunately, she’ll probably think I’m crazy for staying around. I haven’t wanted to denigrate him in my family’s eyes. I worry that they might treat him differently. Also, what have you told older children? I don’t know what the future holds in regards to the OW. I haven’t told (and don’t plan to tell) my D13 about it. But if it becomes something more serious and he decides to bring it out in the open, would it be recommended to explain MLC to kids to try and help them understand what their parents are doing? Does that make it better or worse? I don’t want anything to get in the way of their relationship. I’m only a few months into this and realize how long things like this can take. I’m in it for the long haul, but not a day goes by that the pain in my heart is not felt.
The other major question I have is concerning the journey that the MLCer has to go through. Is there anyone that has any stories about them being helped through their MLC either through books, IC etc? I realize the rule of thumb is that they have to go through this on their own. But do any of them realize they need an extra hand and have found help through external sources? It seems most wouldn’t and don’t care to listen to anything.
Thanks for any advice you can provide. I plan to use this forum to vent, journal, and get and provide strength to others in this situation.