cheated on, lied to, and now I am moving on

[awest1217]

NM thank you so much!

3. I would have to text H and I don't want to tell him I have filed through a text, but he won't talk to me any other way so I have to figure some type of middle ground. I just feel it is juvenile to break up with texts.

4. He will freak out, but I don't think at this point he will do anything. I think I will tell him that he told me that he didn't want to be my H anymore like 3 weeks ago and since I had been saving to get a D, I just filed so we didn't have to wait for him to save the money. I am a little concerned because he didn't give me the child support check yet so I hope he doesn't flake now that it is going to go through. He will put a spin on it for his family and friends (friends are few) to say that he is the victim, but I don't care at this point.

5. He has never once tried to reconcile so I don't think he will now. He D'd me in his mind April 1, 2009 and has done every thing he has wanted since. He has been having the A since Feb 2009 and I think it became physical March 2009 because that is when he stopped wanting have sex with me although I tried and he just wanted to fool around (everything but). In order to reconcile, if he wanted to, which I seriously would doubt, he would have to get rid of OW completely. Give me all passwords to every electronic account he has. Lose the cell phone and iPod Touch for a long time (have a cell that only will call and nothing else). Go to church again. Go to MC. He would also have to disclose everything he did with OW because I find out anyway. He would also need to apologize to my family, unlike him, I have kept a good R with his family, but he right away stopped being with my family and he has hurt them badly for that because he was close to my sibs, and they are mad mostly because he left me high and dry, but also because he ignored them when they tried to reach out to him when this first started. When this first started, everyone understood a bit about him wanting to leave because I am very demanding, controlling, and had neglected our R with S coming along (like many new moms) so they tried to help him and say they understand and would help him, but he just ignored it.

It is funny how far I have come. My IC that I went to last year kept saying that I needed to be stronger and tell H what I wanted, but I just couldn't. Now I can, if he tried to reconcile, once again I doubt. I felt like I had caused this and really have worked on myself. I am less controlling. As she told me, i have worked on embracing my feminine side; being more feminine in my dress (although I wear skirts everyday, I was not feminine), speech, character, etc. I feel I have accomplished that a lot. When I started, I had one friend, H, and my family. Now I have about 6 good girlfriends I could call at a moments notice if I need something, and about 3 guy friends who are some of the girls' husbands and my brother's friends from high school so like my brothers, who would help me out around the house if needed. I have a huge support system. H has OW and that is it because he doesn't talk to his family about anything and won't tell anyone else anything.

In the beginning, I felt I was at fault for everything. I was controlling. I was too independent. I was too demanding. I was too neglectful for the last year. BUT then I started to realize as I changed that some of those characteristics were not me, but they were developed to deal with H. I was always independent, but I was a lot less controlling and more trusting before H's OWs. Also H never made a decision (like with our R) so I had to do everything and that made me controlling. I retreated into S more because of H's EAs because S needed me and loves me unconditionally where H treated me as a W for about 6 months and then another OW would come along which I would find out about every other year and I would tell him if he wants to be with her then i would leave and he said I was more important so he would "leave" her, which he wouldn't and after another 3 months of fighting, it would fizzle and we would start over again. I by no means am saying this is all H's fault because I truly believe we both had a hand in our M not working and I have changed so much to become a person I like (I am so proud that I only did one petty thing and that was during my break down in January), however I am starting to realize more H's role and how bad H treated me. My SIL and brother always told me H was abusing me, but I never realized it until I was out. I wasn't being abused like my mom so I didn't see it, but I was.

I am back to being the confident woman I was when I first met H as a teen. I have learned a lot about Rs and am very excited to be on my own. I am excited to have fun and move on. It will be interesting how everything pans out, and it is scarey when it comes to the financial aspect, but tomorrow I will have that part done or at least no if I am going to be the one owing him or he owing me.

I still haven't cried about it, which is weird, or maybe not considering everything in my life I have been through. Yesterday at the concert one guy played Canon in D which I walked down the aisle too and another person played a song that H plays on the piano. Usually that would make me cry, but nothing. Odd...

S slept with me the last two nights again, and he is very fussy when he gets home each night, but we are doing well. Today is the kick-off for my time as Sunday School Superintendent at church so I pray it goes well, tomorrow the L, and Tuesday is pics.