Went out to see my neighbor's band last night. It was a lot of fun. Stopped in a few other bars too, no really attractive women anywhere, except one who was married!
Toward the end of the night, my friend started talking about my sitch and I started to break-down. My neighbors came home from the show about 2:30am and I went to their place for a while, blubbering like an idiot. I think I needed to get it out. It has been building for a while. Feeling better today.
Going to an old friend's today for his annual summer party and taking the kids with, so I have to be "good".
I just can't seem to drop the rope completely. W was wandering around the yard on the phone this am and I can't help but wonder who she is on the phone with. I saw her out the window and she actually covered her mouth with her hand so I couldn't see her mouth. She was on the phone for at least an hour and just went outside on the phone again. She may have been off for 5 minutes. I just wish I knew what she was thinking. She is on the phone constantly. "I did hear her say she was worried about whomever she is on the phone with and that she tried something a couple of times and that she could say" and then she walked out the door.
She told the kids that she has plans to do something today while they are with me.
Dan, it takes time to drop the rope. But, bit by bit, you will release it. In the end, it's the best thing for you and your family.
I learned that 6 months after the bomb. When I freaked out when I opened an IM where my H and OW were discussing how they would have s*x with each other. I ran downstairs, started popping whatever pills were there, to get rid of the pain (it was as physical a pain as it was emotional). My H tried to stop me by pulling me back (big mistake to do that with a person who trained in jiu-jitsu, even if it was awhile ago, but I got my brown belt and I know instinctively where to hit), so without thinking I hit him in the solar plexis with my elbow ... hard. When that happened, I calmed down, the action snapped me out of the rush to get rid of the pain. I was shocked that I could do that because it's not who I am. Thankfully, our older children got my younger one downstairs to protect her. They had never seen this kind of behaviour in our family before, so I went downstairs and apologized to those shocked, white, beloved faces and said it would never happen again, and it has not in these last 6 years. My H had phoned 911 by this time, so I went upstairs to my bedroom and waited for them. I was very calm by this time, and by the time they arrived, I had dropped the rope completely. I told them what had happened, and the officer (a woman) asked if I was okay, and I calmly said, "yes ma'am". H came up after they left, shaking. I just said, "I agree: I want a D."
The reason why we are still together came about a long time after that night.
So, the moral of this story? Snooping doesn't help ... it felt like I had lifted a rock and found a snake, that bit me. Also, don't let it get to this stage before you drop the rope, but do let it go. I refused to give up hope, I held on tightly, but I have learned that it doesn't help. Not you, not your children, not your M, not your W who is probably infatuated with some OM and ruled by her emotions and feelings. True love comes with time; two years or so into the M it is only infatuation and once that leaves, one has love that has grown through experiences had together (positive and negative), i.e. birth of one's children, building a life, even fighting.
At this point, you have to let her go, emotionally, with love. Turn to yourself, and work on those things you want to improve. Be the best dad you can be. You have to find a way to love yourself first. Set boundaries, GAL, be cheerful around her, but distant and don't try and find out why she is on the cell phone. Just shrug it off; don't look. Go to the gym, or go for walks when you become angry, emotional, or just frustrated. It helped me a lot. I learned that I can only control myself, and hope to influence those around me, but that it was not a given.
Sorry, this was long. I rarely know how to put things in a short story.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
It is okay to let it out. It is better than holding it in. It will help to cleanse your heart. It is rough on the rollercoaster. I feel the pain, and I understand.
It is easier said than done to "drop the rope," but it could help you. You will have to decide this for yourself.
My thoughts are with you!
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
I think letting it out is actually part of dropping the rope. Everytime the emotions overwhelm me (and brother you know they do), afterwards, I'm a little stronger. It's like puking poison out of your body. It sucks when it's happenning, but each time you get more of it out and the episodes get farther apart. Eventually, you get enough out that your body doesn't need to vomit anymore. It's healthy and neccesary. He'll, there's been nights where I put my finger down my throat just so I could start feeling better.
Gross? Maybe. But we've all been there. This is not appreciably different.
The scary thing is when you start to feel indifferent about the rope.
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
Put like that, I can see that ... I puked the last of the poison that last time. I had been slowly bleeding poison. Good way to put it, A_goodman.
Dan, continue to work at it. You'll get there. We all know the journey, in our different ways.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I seem to be blubbering as soon as someone asks about W or sitch. I have good days and bad when it comes to dropping the rope. I think once we get our W's out of the home it will make a world of difference.
Blubbering makes me feel better some days. I have some great friends/family who are willing to listen to me vent. I just want people to know that I didn't give up on our M. She has made the decision to find a "shiny new toy".
We are going to have good and bad days my friend. I'm confident that with all the advise we've gotten and GAL it will pay off in the end for both of us. Keep your head up!!!
M: 36 W: 29 S: 2.5 EA: 2/2010 OM1 D Bomb: 3/2010 PA: 6/2010 OM2 W moved out 8/2010 Loc: DE, USA
Dan - I have been reading your thread for a while, but have never stopped by to comment.
My stbx has been out of the house for 8 months and I still have not dropped the rope completely. I've been at this dbing thing for 5 years (off and on). I just posted on my thread that I have finally decided to give in. It's still not the thing I want to do, but what I need to do.
I actually said out loud "I love you, I miss you, I wish there was a way to be happy together for ever, but you win." There was no one there of course, but I said it to make me HEAR it.
I have to stop swimming upstream, or it's going to kill me.
This may not be our choice Dan, but it's what we have. You can do this Dan.
I'd like to say thanks to everyone for chiming in with positive thoughts after my blubbering Friday nite. I really means a lot to me to get such support from you guys and gals. I apologized to my neighbors today for the same and their reaction was the same as everyone here. No problem, don't worry about it, that's what friends are for. It really helps to have such good friends and to know that I am not alone in my situation.
Again, I'd like to say a heartfelt thank you to all of you out there who have chosen to stick with me and provide support. It is GREATLY appreciated.
Journaling:
Well, it turned out to be a very good weekend after all. I slept in on Saturday and then took my kids to a party/picnic at an old friends house. He has an annual summer party that I have not been able to make it to for a couple of years and it was good to see everyone again. My kids were on the fence about going, but he has a pool and they love to swim, so they decided to go. The kids had a great time!!
His parents were there and his wife's parents were there and I had some conversation with the mothers about my situation. They knew my W had decided to get D and they told me not to blame myself and talked about how my generation seemed to take M so lightly. They said they had very tough times too, but hadn't thrown in the towel. They just couldn't believe the situation and wished me the best.
Talked with another friend there who is also D and he assured me that I wouldn't have any trouble finding a new woman. He understood the pain I am going through, but said not to let it get me down and that she would be the one to regret this eventually. He said it was obvious how much I loved her.
Got home a little after 8pm and W was out somewhere. Had a fire in the backyard with the kids.
Slept in again on Sunday, completed some performance appraisals for work and then took the kids fishing. They have been bugging me to go for quite a while, so I decided I owed it to them. It's actually tougher thinking about going than actually doing it. We had a good time. Caught a few keepers and enough others to keep the kids entertained. Got home and cleaned-up by 9:30pm or so.
Was on my way to bed when I decided that my little blonde bartender might appreciate a visit, so I headed over there about 10pm with no word to STBXW. Has a nice little chat with her and some others at the bar, including the owner, who I am also getting to know quite a bit. Chatted about a number of topics, including her garden. Told her I was going to bring in some of my peppers for her to try. left after 3 beers and she riminded me to bring in the peppers next time I came. I think I may have to stop in on Thursday eveningto see her, since I will be out of town the next week.
meeting with Atty tomorrow and court on Tuesday. Got some child support and alimony numbers from the atty on Friday that did not make me happy. How can they justify splitting our combined incomes 50/50 for the next 5-7 years? She gets the benefit of my work, but what benefit do I continue to get? None! My atty told me that there is no justice in that court room, so don't expect to get any. This just makes me sick. She wants out and she gets all the benefits. How is that fair?
I guess that life is not fair, but you just have to deal with it.
